Information Blast: Hustlin'

I'm trying to see Shoot 'Em Up in about 50 minutes, so I've gotta book it.

• National televised high school football is creepy. Turns up, that's really only the tip of the iceberg.
• Unemployed? Have 100 million dollars and an unused Aeronautical Engineering/Rocket Science degree? If those are both yes, then you should enter Google's contest to send a privateer to the Moon.
• In a piece of what's new news, following the outbreak of E. Coli in spinach that killed a few people, the government did nothing to ensure that the newly grown crop is actually safe.
• Is Mötley Crüe over?
• A good, yet seemingly too hip soundtrack to America.
• In what has to be one of the best videos next to the Legion of Rock Stars playing Danzig's Mother, Glen Danzig, in typical Danzig fashion (if you know anything about Danzig, you already know what this means), talks about his book collection. I swear that it's more interesting than it sounds. And, no, I'm not obsessed with Danzig. He's only the best punk vocalist of all time with Black Flag-era Henry Rollins and Minor Threat Ian McKaye battling for second.
• Shakira can read a book, but 50 Cent slams Nas for reading one. And, Black people wonder why Latinos are soon going to be housing us in the future.
• In what has to be one of the most irresponsible comments made by a media critic in recent years, Howard Kurtz says that Fox News is allowed to be a 24-hour spewer of misinformation and misdirection. If you don't know who Kurtz is, consider yourself the better.
• Interview Genius: Take one Canadian with a predilection for furry hats, one hungover feminist, one Latino. Throw in a shaky knowledge of area codes and some interesting subject matter. Publish. Enjoy.
• The A.V. Club ponders out-loud why MTV hates us.
• Even though I'd rather have Jack Bauer save me because he's a hardcore G, the majority of Americans would rather be saved by MacGuyver. If Jack Bauer didn't exist, I'd probably want MacGuyver too.

Just for the record, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is, seriously, one of the best shows on television right now. I laughed so hard I cried last night. If you are in foreign countries or haven't seen it, I'm not going to spoil it for you. All I'm going to say is that a lot of drugs were involved. And, not on my end; I have to stick to drinking for a while.

Information Blast: I Wanted To Rock The Bells

But, I was more comfortable in straight legs.

• The American government gets a report. The report panders to both sides. This is forcing two dogs to fight over a bone: you just don't do it. It ends up poorly for everyone.
• If you thought your own life sucked, here's some extra sucking for you. James Sensenbrenner, an already rich man, has won the lottery three times. If you want to hang yourself, I'd say hold out for something more substantial like a new Iraq surge or a draft.
  
• The economy's tanking. Even International Superstar Erin Burnett's worried about this one, and she worries about nothing at all, especially not Maria Bartiromo.
• Tyra Banks is not going to pull an Oprah and support Obama. Why would she anyways? I mean, that would divert attention away from her and give the impression that she cares about the rest of the world. Yea, she's totally not supporting Barack.
  
• No, seriously, George Bush hates your kids. This isn't a joke anymore.
• Madeleine L'Engle has died. She was 82. She wrote A Wrinkle in Time.
  
• 10 Songs that no one want to hear when they go to a sports event. I actually don't want to hear any of these songs again, especially since none of them are The Final Countdown.

A friendly reminder from someone who cares about your hearing. If you are listening to something (a CD player, cassette player, iPod) and take your headphones out. Ask yourself this question: can I hear what I'm listening to? If you can hear what you are listening to, how well can you hear it? Is it a murmur, the backbeat, or can you finish the verse? If it is the last one, you need to turn your headphones down.

Continuous listening at that volume can permanently damage your hearing. If you say that you do it because you have to, you are wrong. You are just cheap and need to buy some sealed ear/headphones. Getting off that money as a young person will be much better than having to wear a hearing aid because you wanted to have some fun when you were young. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

Information Creek: Flowing Into Your Mindspace

Creek: more substantial than a stream, still not level with the intensity of a blast.

• Iraq is pretty much a failure right now with its non-functioning police force. I'm not trying to pile on. I'm just saying.
• While there is nothing wrong with selling pot, there is something wrong with going, "hey girl! you want some weed?"
• Madeleine Albright tries to give Bush some tips on how not to be a complete failure. She forgets that she talked to that terrorist in North Korea and now has no street cred with the Bush administration.
• In his obstinacy, Bush tries to spin numbers to show that things are going well. Aside from the fact that they aren't, the surge isn't helping to protect the people who need it: the Iraqis.
• While the two sides have been at conflict for a while, Ethiopia and Eritrea are about to break into a full-fledged war. I'm sure Bush will do nothing about this because he hates Black people almost as much as he hates the Constitution.
• Corporations are trying to get people to start reading ebooks. They fail to realize that idiots like me will buy paper books until the earth goes the way of the quick stick. Boo technology!!!
• In case you haven't gotten the idea yet, Bush is trying to make this war look good. The media should have done its job in the beginning, but at least they are now. That said, Karen DeYoung, which is kind of a dope name, does an analysis of the military casualty numbers and finds out to the surprise of pretty much no one in the political world that the numbers are being fudged.
• The following quote summarizes the whole article: There's a bathroom floor waiting for him. He seems to have a death wish and that is so incredibly dull - to think that that's a cool and exciting thing. Guess who they are talking about?
• The Justice Department weighs in on net neutrality. I didn't know that they had a voice, but, whatever, no one likes them anyway. They are such joiners.

There is one week until the spilling of the Iraq reports telling us how much the war sucks. Actually, I take that back. The military people will tell us how awesome this whole war is, how it is going well and whatnot. The people amongst us who have actual eyes and see all of the destruction in the papers, wires, and television will believe otherwise. A contrived public announcement will not convince the sane ones of us otherwise.

Information Stream: A Return to Form

I haven't done this in a while. I figured that this would be as good as any time to bring it back to the forefront. Also, I have to wait for a repeat of 30 Minute Meals. I should go buy some beer before that. It's just to soften the blow. I was born allergic to enthusiasm.

• If you are planning on starting your own bare-knuckled cagefighting league, you'll be the USFL to the UFC's NFL. I would personally suggest that you come up with a better idea. If that idea makes you want to punch a hole in a wall or break a table with your bare hand, I will suggest that you don't have to give up your dream but don't go to England. I will also suggest that you don't go to town on my face.
• From my personal favorite amongst leftist rabble-rousing websites, a columnist at The Black Agenda Report website discusses how democracy and voters lose by the selective coverage and questioning done by the media. The writer's fundamental point is very true. The uneven coverage is unfitting of what democracy is really all about.
• I should keep a file of just mental giant stories. If you have lived under a rock for the last 20 years and never heard this term before, read this story. You will come to the same conclusion that I did when I read it: Peter Allison is a mental giant.
  
• All men masturbate. It's pretty much one of those inalienable rights: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the right to beat one's meat. Women masturbate, too. They should masturbate. It's quite fun and very relaxing. But, I'm getting away from the point. As many people who masturbate, there is only one lesson in life: if you are not the masturbating bear, you shouldn't masturbate in public. Along with the indecency, it's illegal. This whole illegality thing didn't faze this guy. I bet he has a really strong grip.
• Although they got rid of Apartheid, South Africa hasn't quite made it out of 1692. If you don't understand that reference, you should learn your American history.
• Luciano Pavarotti is on the downswing. I don't have anything witty to say here. That would imply that I actually listen to, and care about, classical music.
• If you couldn't be outraged enough, Bush, in a new book, talks about playing Americans to support him in staying in Iraq longer. Keith Olbermann, as he usually does when Bush does anything that is bad with regards to the Iraq war, takes the President to task. I can't be convinced that the President is not hearing some of these commentaries on the regular.

Yes, all in the game like Jack LaLanne. If you don't know the name, don't rack your brain.

Information Stream: Ideas for a New Generation

The issue that has been all over the newspapers and cable news syndicates has been the resignation of Alberto Gonzales. Everyone is happy that this has happened, but many are still questioning where the White House will go from this current position and whether they will decide to try to put in another partisan. Also, there is a larger scandal involving Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He was trying to get dome in the Minneapolis airport Men's bathroom (you can connect the dots yourself) but was caught by the police. Additionally, he pled guilty to lewd conduct since he never did get that dome. I was actually going to spend some time going through that on its own. Once I realized that, I looked at my other tabs only to realize that most of my tabs were related to the Craig case. Since this wasn't going into the stream, I only had a little bit of information left to put in here.

So, to start, we travel to England where the Liberal Democrats (think Green Party in America) were trying to outlaw gas-based cars in the country by 2040. I doubt this has a very high likelihood of happening, but still it's very ballsy for them to try to pull such a manoeuvre.
There's no chance this would fly in America, at least not for another fifty years. I would put some article from New York about Matt Drudge here, but that runs on the assumption that any of you actually care about this dude. I know who he is, and I barely care about him. I haven't read the Drudge Report since the late 90s. But, in something that everyone can relate to, the best way ever to leave. Even better than Scarface's exit in Half Baked.

Information Stream: Gossip is Abound

Today's only real news story is that of woefully incompetent Attorney General actually stepping down from his position. The left is excited about this, but not that excited. I'm not really either. Gonzales has now just accomplished something that I've wanted him to do for months now. So, I say to him good riddance. If you would like to know what he said, look here and feel greatly underwhelmed and slighted. Now, onto other news...

• The Onion's AV Club has been cranking out a lot of lists this year. This is another one, focusing on shows that had meteoric highs and just as spectacular falls. For the modern youth, think about the rise and fall of The O.C. They also talked about Moonlighting, but there are other shows that many of you most likely remember.
• I found a story on the BBC this morning about a girl who ran 3500 km across China. Accompanied by her father, the girl, who is eight, ran a marathon and a half everyday. That's about 40 miles a day. Now, this leaves me with a strange quandary. Should I be shocked by this story or should I be proud of this story? I really don't know.
• The death toll is rising in Iraq following the truck bomb attack from last week. It is now at 500 people. These numbers are still liable to rise.
• There is a lunar eclipse tomorrow morning. If you are hardbody enough to wake up, you should look at this nifty guide from NASA, chocked with eclipse informational goodness.
• Having an affair is a bad idea. Writing down the sordid details of that affair is even worse. But, then again, she is a journalist.
• Howard Kurtz writes a fluff piece on the obscenely attractive and ridiculously qualified CNBC anchor Erin Burnett. If you ever need to learn how to write a fluff piece, just read Kurtz's work. But, to be fair to Kurtz, I'd want to write a fluff piece on Erin Burnett too; she's hot enough to justify disregarding your journalistic morality for a few hours in her aura. No one can touch her; they might spontaneously combust.
  
• Jessica Alba has stooped pretty low before. The event that stands out in my mind is calling her ex-boyfriend to break up with him then sending people over to her house to move out his stuff. I thought that was pretty low. But, at the Teen Choice Awards, she called out someone who wouldn't date her when she was seven. I kind of wish I was making this one up.
• Is it me or is this guy way too pretty? There's a story attached, but I don't really care about that so much.

Seriously though, if I actually cared about business, I would watch CNBC regularly for Burnett. She's on that level of quality.

Information Stream: Yea, I Know, I Know

This is way, way late. I'm sorry nothing interesting has really happened today. Let's see what I've got here...

- In an ongoing series of events with the editing of Wikipedia by people who want to make themselves look better, it appears that the Prime Minister of Australia John Howard is one of those people. There's something inherently classy about making yourself look awesome on Wikipedia.

- Tell all of your irritating, pretentious hipster hip-hop wannabes that hip-hop is dead. It might actually save the game.

- The 2nd killingest guy in Texas History, George Bush, is now changing the rules on the Death Penalty because he hates you, the Americans.

- Joe Biden is the best candidate in the field, but why does the public hate him. McClatchy attempts to answer this questions.

- The Daily Show has pulled the wool over our eyes.

- History to Bush: Stop using us in vain! Hater.

I'm out of here on this.

Information Blast: Slogging

I have been slogging through so many articles today that I feel like my eyes are going to start bleeding. Everyone decided to talk about the same things and bombard my RSS with the same articles. I have to spend some time cutting back on them, so I can actually read them effectively. After I finish this blast, I'm going to pay a visit to zen habits and learn about how to drop RSS feeds effectively. Word.

• Pigeons are endangering your safety as a motorist.
• Texas: Killing people like they stole something. They probably did. And then, they killed them.
• If you watched OZ and thought that American prisons were g-ed out, you clearly know jack shit about the Brazilian system, which makes our domestic system look like a dandy. A story like this could only happen in Brazil.
• What will they call the new Tet Offensive? The Ramadan Offensive?
• China: If you are going to reject our products, Americans. Then, we will reject yours. Take that! China is also a 10-year old.
• In the most non-shocking news on the face of the planet, La Lohan is getting charged with breaking the law. I don't even care anymore. Just, someone, make it stop.
• Why you shouldn't vote for Rudy Giuliani: He's totally stupid and not as awesome as he thinks he is.
• Why you shouldn't vote for Mitt Romney, aside from the fact that his name is fucking Mitt: He's a flip-flopper and believes women have no right to choose.
• Atlanta goes on further to prove why it totally sucks. Sorry, Atlanta, it's true: I can't stand you, and you're not all that so hype down a bit, ya heard?
• Britney Spears finally releases a new song. To the surprise of no one, it totally sucks. It's awful. I'm listening to it right now. As soon as I finish this sentence, I'm turning it off.
  

Wow, that song was terrible. Absolutely terrible. Anyway, moving on. There's not a lot else going on. If I come up with something, I'll let you know.

Information Blast? No.

I have some substantial posts on their own. I don't need to blast them at you. I will say this on the other hand. I was reading about Heath Shuler voted for the expansion of FISA to allow the Bush administration to do pretty much whatever they want. Seeing as I was against giving them such grand expansive powers, it only raised my ire for him once again.

If you are not from Washington or New Orleans and/or a huge football fan, you probably have no idea of who Heath Shuler is. Currently, Heath Shuler is the representative for the 11th Congressional district of North Carolina, the place that he retired to once he finished his football "career". I say "career" because Shuler was one of the worst quarterbacks to ever step onto an NFL field. He's only second to Ryan Leaf as one of the major quarterback busts of all time. Shuler was a fantastic college quarterback. He led a very successful Tennessee team before Peyton Manning came on board to do the same although neither won the dreaded big game.

Shuler's raw collegiate level talent led to many NFL teams thinking that he would be a good professional quarterback, someone to lead the team into the future. With this as his thinking, Charlie Casserly, the then-GM, decided to spend the Washington Redskin's first round pick (Third Overall) on Shuler in 1994.

He held out at the beginning, which did not make him a fan favorite when he got to D.C. When he got around to playing, expectations were high because of the holdout; everyone wanted to see if he was worth the wait. It turned out that he wasn't. Shuler was a terrible quarterback. He had no field presence. He couldn't control a game. He was the epitome of the black years of the Redskins. If you look it up on Wikipedia, there is no history of the Redskins from 1993 when Joe Gibbs retired to 1997, the year of Daniel Snyder's purchasing and subsequent wrecking of the team (Snyder is the reason that I am not a Redskins fan anymore. The bad years were OK, but I can't stand that dude. I've been a Ravens fan since the Marchibroda days, and I have no intentions of looking back). They went through coaches. They went through talent. But, regardless of what they did, the Redskins just didn't get better. The best move they made during this period was getting rid of Desmond Howard and Heath Shuler leaving after a couple of years in the nation's capitol.

Now, I mentioned Desmond Howard as well. Following a successful campaign at the University of Michigan which netted him the Heisman Trophy (throw the stiff-arm!) in 1991, Howard was a highly scouted prospect. The Redskins ended up with him in their stable. He played three full years in the league as a featured receiver with the Redskins. He only got FIVE touchdown passes. TWO full years went by before he got a touchdown. People literally booed him when he caught the ball. Everything evened out after Howard left because the Redskins drafted Michael Westbrook who, while frequently injured and short-tempered, was a far better receiver than Howard. Howard got the last laugh on the other hand because he actually won a Super Bowl after leaving D.C. Yea, after the win in Super Bowl XXVI where Mark Rypien played one of the best games of his life, D.C. doesn't really have much to remember except for all of the failures. Someone is saying that D.C. United is the most successful club in MLS. My response to you is yea, so? Do you want me to care about MLS? I like soccer, and I don't care about MLS. I'll watch if I'm desperate, but I prefer the European and South American games more. It's more skilled and has better fluidity.

My larger ranging point before going off on that extended rant is that Heath Shuler still sucks whether he's in a suit or in a set of pads. And the fact that I don't have an Information Blast.

Information Blast: Fuck it, Van Damme 'Em

Ace will blam blam 'em.

• An amusing assessment of MREs from the men and women who actually have to eat them. A gem from the pages: why stuffed cabbage wow it was horrible I wanted to die. Oh, there are far more like this, too.
• George Bush hates your kids.
• Kevin Federline is now a legitimate member of society. POPOZAO! It will never be forgotten.
• Another reason you should be glad that you don't live in Britain. Imagine getting busted smoking a doobie behind the school because your mom decided to check up on you.
• The Netherlands: A Hot Bed of Liberalism.
• Gay people, I know it sucks to be gay in America. But, hey, at least you don't live in Uganda.
• Dick Cheney wipes his ass with the Constitution.
• Endeavor made it back safely in spite of NASA's best efforts.

Information Blast: The Return With Quickness

My mind is occupied with trying to learn the ratios necessary for making an awesome marinade. I have a piece of steak that I want to soak in a stew, but I want it to have my own flavors. Unfortunately, I can't find out what ratios of things that I need. All I know is that I need a fat, an acid, and a flavor base. I can cover all, but I need ratios so my shit doesn't come out greasy or like a meaty pulp. With this occupying much of my mind, I have to make this information blast fast and effective.

• I don't need to snark on this one, the article's title is what I was thinking myself: Why Do Women Find Pete Doherty Attractive?
• As many a mental giant can tell you, don't hang around bears while drunk. You may lose your life.
• This accident is clearly proof that Xenu's second arrival is near.
• The media isn't covering the war as much. I don't know why. It's more interesting than this bullshit they are calling an election. We still have 15 MONTHS!
• This is possibly a first in the history of tabloid journalism: someone says, oh shit, my bad.
• Suffice it to say, Bush doesn't do democracy so good.
  
• When you don't plan for a war, things like this happen.
• In a long history of governors with namers like The Terminator and The Body, will we add the Nuge?
• Best Pizza Party ever. I can't imagine why this guy was totally pissed.
  
• Vick is making a plea deal with the Feds. As I said before, if the feds are coming down on you, they probably have a pretty good case.
• Seattle Times tells neophyte hip-hop fans what the old heads have known for years.

Blast off!

Information Stream: Stop Making Shitty Records

The title will come to make sense in due time, but let's start on this one first.

• In an eerie resemblance to an article from FrontPage Magazine about my alma mater, a teacher in Uganda is in huge trouble for getting involved in a nude dancing orgy with students. There was no sex, but I'm sure there were a lot of flying bits.
• As you well know if you are a resident of D.C. or a frequent reader of this blog, the city is rife with infrastructure and social problems. But, these are usually problems that cannot be visually sorted out. They require planning of sorts. Today, a story appears about the firing of 3 MPD officers for strip-searching a criminal and putting them into the male processing system. The reason they are getting fired is because the criminal is a female. I have no idea how they failed to notice, after a strip search no less, that this is a woman they are dealing with here. Like, I'm seriously bewildered.
• I'm not sure if this story is sweet or sad. I'll let you decide. This piece is about a man in Kansas City who kissed his wife goodbye and then threw her off a balcony four stories high. The man says he did it because he could no longer pay for her medical costs. If this is not another case for universal insurance, I'm not sure what does.
• Iraq has no social infrastructure. Between all of the war and indecision, this would be next to impossible. So, Iraqi women have taken the quest for survival into their own hands by working in the world's oldest profession. I can only hope this doesn't become a trend.
• I, Ace, today call Hugo Chavez a flip-flopper. How can he say that he doesn't want to rule the country forever but still push for endless terms? That's a flip-flop if I ever saw one.
• Yo, Peru got its shit FUCKED UP! I hope there are no more deaths than there already have been.
• And, this last item goes into a perpetual beef of mine with these celebutards. They think that they get a little press on TMZ.com and in US Weekly and can magically sing. All of them release records that are messes of samples, synths, lazers, and club sounds that are about 5 years old. Heidi Montag, i.e., the bitch from The Hills (no, seriously, that's her character's description), decided to release a shitty club track with her boyfriend who can't rap. To its credit, it's about the third worst pop song ever after Jessica Simpson's version of "You Spin Me Round Like a Record" and Paris Hilton's "Stars are Blind." People need to stop telling them that they have talent because they don't...at all.
  

Information Stream: Downgraded from Information Blast

It's the summer. The stories are a bit thinner, so I can spend more time with them like one would when floating aimlessly down the stream. Anyway, we proceed.

• Favorite target of The Daily Show Karl Rove retired yesterday from his position as Chief White House political strategist. As can be expected from those dirty hippies over at The Daily Show, there was a buzz of excitement at this prospect. This excitement was hilariously played on by John Oliver in a loving send-up of the classic Disney story Mary Poppins. Raw Story has posted the video.
• In one of the less surprising pieces of news that I've read in a few years, corporations are taking advantage of the fact that anyone can edit pieces on Wikipedia, the public's encyclopedia. As can also be predicted, many corporations are re-writing their entries in a more company-friendly, personable tone. Wired has written about an action that has been taken against this policy: posting the fact that it actually happens. CalTech grad student Virgil Griffith has tracked down all of the IPs who have made changes on Wikipedia and posted them into a searchable database. So, if some entry seems to biased, you can check to see who has been working on it.
• Trey Ellis, blogger at The Huffington Post, suggests that because Barack Obama is Black, all Black people will vote for him. I'd like to go on the record and say that I'm Black and not voting for Barack Obama. Unless he stops talking in dialetics and shapeless, optimistic language, he doesn't stand much of a chance of getting my vote. I would vote for him in 2012, but I refuse to vote for him now. He also talks about a Black person in power raising the spirits of Black America. I only have two words against that theory: Clarence Thomas. Done.

That's how slow of a news day it is. There's just nothing to be had discussion-wise. The only other news that has come out is that John from Cincinnati, the frustratingly genius television show that only debuted this summer on HBO, has been canceled.

Information Blast: Summer Style

As dictated by the intense heat and frustration with day to day activities, most people have decided to separate themselves from the grind of reporting real news or even locating themselves in a place where they could even receive news. With that in mind, the material is lacking. I have to start generating some of my own material, as I clearly can't rely on the media to give me accurate information or opinion fodder. Let's start, shall we? (Yes, let's)

• If you see a Lefty today, slap them five on the left hand side. And I don't mean across the face.
• Only 16 now. Tommy Thompson has dropped out after a bad showing in Iowa. I can already tell who's going to win.
• There is a Hurricane about to hit Hawaii. It is called Flossie. There have been some pretty sweet hurricane names in the past, but this might be the best one ever. Where did they pull the name Flossie from anyway?
• Quality control goes a step too far in China. This is the second person I mind you.
• Dick Cheney is his own Nostradamus.

And, that's summer style information blasting.

Information Blast: Chocolate Rain

As Chocolate Rain begins to catch on with the tragically unhip (read: those with real lives), I'm left with administrative notes. First, this is going to be the only post of the night. I plan on doing something non-digital with my day, so not posting will have to be a component of such a process. Additionally, there was a Democratic debate last night. You might be saying to yourself with exasperation that there was one on Monday. And, yes, there was one on Monday. But, there was also one last night. I'm going to do a more thorough analysis of it on Saturday because it was not a regular debate. The candidates were brought out one by one and asked questions about LGBT issues. Additionally, there were no time limits and inquisitors had full range to ask follow up questions when they thought an answer was particularly shady or unsatisfactory. Such candor is greatly appreciated from this observer, enough so to give the debate a full post of analysis instead of passing the buck. I think that's everything. Let's get this!

• Slate believes Al Pacino mocks Al Pacino. After thinking about it, they're right.
• If you have heard the term assclown or asshat and not known what it means, this should be a fairly concrete example.
• When I first read this, I was, like, awesome, parents are taking an interest in raising their kids right. Then I realized, the parents will beat them if they don't exercise.
• Totally dope stop-motion video done with Polaroids.
• Giuliani, like Charlie Murphy, suffers from delusions of grandeur.
• Bill Richardson needs to stop putting his foot in his mouth.
• I thought coke use at work stopped after the 1987 crash. Guess I was wrong.

In a rare moment of sympathy on this blog, Oh Stewardess tips a wing to Rick Ankiel. For those unfamiliar, Rick Ankiel used to be a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. A few years back, Ankiel lost all control of his pitches. Unfortunately for him, this loss was all over television and SportsCenter for days. It lead to Ankiel's departure from Baseball. After a few more attempts at pitching, Ankiel proceeded to switch to the outfield. After toiling away and becoming good at his craft, Ankiel got promoted to the major leagues. And, in his first game back after such haunting memories, he hits a three-run blast and helps to win the game for the Cardinals. Whether you are into sports or not, the success of anyone who has seen their life collapse is always impressive. This story is just as impressive as Judy Garland redeeming her rightful place in American history as one of its best performers and actresses. So, to this end, I give a salute to Ankiel and a friendly reminder to Jessica Biel to show her what can happen when you go to the lab instead of complain.

And, if this weren't all enough, here is a video from Black Moon for How Many Emcees from 1994.



Now, I'm out.

News, You Disappoint Me: A Very Special Information Blast

Firstly, I have to apologize. I was busy buying groceries and trying to get my teapot to work as a sandwich press (which it did until the last sandwich), so blogging got put to the back burner for a while. This time was used effectively as I realized that basil mayonnaise is the best herb mayonnaise ever. Anyway, my love for basil aside, the news is disappointing because nothing really has raised my ire or required my attention. Bush talked, but I have an item talking about him. Nothing else is really going down. I also spent that spare time today that I wasn't blogging discovering the absurdity that is the food blogging culture. It's sort of strange and a bit intense. It's almost more intense than politics blogging. Go to Slashfood.com and you'll understand what I'm getting at. Anyway, let's do this nighttime wrap up. Bam!

• Barry Bonds is the asterisked home-run king of America. But, he is not the world champion. The world champion is Sadaharu Oh. He has hit 868 home runs. Eat it, Bonds!
• Maybe you will stop getting emails about transferring money for Nigerians to Swiss bank accounts.
• Hurricane, WV has a goose problem. So, when most people have a goose problem, they do what is most sensible. For Hurricane, that is shooting them.
• This guy would have benefitted from a note saying this is a work of fiction.
• Women have decided that starvation is overrated. I would agree as a woman who eats red meat is really, inexplicably hot. I can't explain it. I only know it's true.
  
• I fully support this union.
• Good News: Baltimore declares today Frank Zappa Day. Bad News: Zappa Day is desecrated by Dweezil Zappa playing.
• Ellen Pompeo says that young celebs are setting a bad example. While this may be true, isn't she also setting a bad example by making us believe that she has talent?
• S. Carolina has switched its primary. Because of the early election cycle, people in Iowa probably will have to vote this year for their presidential candidate. THANKS FOR NOTHING, MAINSTREAM MEDIA. Assholes.
• American cars are no longer pieces of crap! Huzzah! Wait, didn't one of them just get recalled for a cruise control problem? Oh yeah...right. Scratch that first sentence.
  
• Why FISA is bad. No need to snark; this is purely informational.
• A friendly reminder that Bush doesn't exist in the real world.

I've got one more post in me, but I've got to put dinner on.

Information Blast: Back and Better than Ever

After a day off, it's time to hit the bricks once again!!!!

• So, it seems that the whole tragedy in Minneapolis could have been averted if the government had come up off that money.
• They only call DaMarcus Beasley a monkey because he is the hardcore, unadulterated shit. On the realness though, this racism shit needs to stop in soccer; it's unacceptable. Also, look, it's an American playing legitimate soccer. Take that, MLS!
• Young Republican is caught up in a sex scandal. A gay sex scandal. I guess snoring doesn't give consent for a blowjob.
• I guess getting your boobs to obstruct your feet really doesn't increase your self-confidence.
• Dying Guy: Let me test drugs that could save my life. I'm already dying anyway. If they kill me, it's whatever. FDA and Appeals Court: No, fuck that shit.
  
• I watched the old guy cry about not being able to care for his wife after working for 34 years, but I also saw that online. I didn't have the intestinal fortitude or requisite boredom to watch the debate myself. Steve Benen watched it, so I didn't have to.
• A check-in on the CIA and those "enhanced interrogation methods". By the way, that's the best euphemism for torture ever.
• In case you forgot, China owns America. And, I wish I was being facetious.
• MTV announced its Video Music Awards nominees. MTV assumes that people still watch MTV.
• Team America: FUCK YEAH!!!
• This video and this video are hot in America right now. For all y'all that didn't watch Bamboozled, The Jazz Singer, or don't read books, these guys are what minstrels look like now. Too many crackheads tried to freebase the cork.
  
• Mitt Romney can't keep his foot out of his mouth.
• JT LeRoy is broke. Oh wait, not JT LeRoy. He's not real; let's correct that statement. The woman whose nom de plume was JT LeRoy is broke. Wait, what's that? That's me still not caring.
• More doping scandal news involving the winner of the Tour de France Alberto Contador. At least he didn't pull a Landis.
• E! gives out television shows like weed at a Wu-Tang concert. Even Kim Kardashian can get one. I didn't know that get nailed on camera by Ray J counted as acting and showing off your ass implants to the paps as modeling.
• The following two are for the true sadists out there amongst my readers. First, a series of stories on America's Train Wreck Britney Spears. The second is a 50 Cent video with Justin Timberlake.

I'm out the funk now. Let's get it!

Information Blast: I Hear Crickets

No, seriously. I think there are crickets outside of my window or in my house. I can hear them chirping. But, it's not too fast, so it's not too hot outside.

• Hugo Chavez is trying to be the first velvet Communist dictator. Yea, we didn't see this one coming.
• Nicolas Sarkozy is unaware of the risks that face him every time a person steps onto American soil.
• Congress proves that it is run by idiots in poorly to nicely tailored suits. So? What else is new. Oh right, how could I forget? Americans have no privacy anymore.
• 4 Black people were gunned down in Newark. It really must be a slow news day for the Mainstream Media. Must not be any white girls missing.
  
• Amanda Marcotte has a slight problem with the pick-up artist goon whose name is synonymous with Angela Lansbury: Mystery. You should have read that name with Europe playing in the background.
• Hillary Clinton went to YearlyKos. While she didn't get taken behind the tool shed, she definitely got jumped on the street corner.
• Chuck Schumer: Seeing as a bridge just fell apart in MN, let's give our renovation budget another billion to make sure this doesn't happen again. GW Bush: No dice.
• Another piece of fine asshattery from Bill Kristol.
  
• I thought Hello Kitty was supposed to be a symbol of unity, not a symbol of shame.
• When you should probably decide not to run: Rudy Giuliani's kids won't even vote for him. I won't vote for him, but I'm Black.
• Slate compares George Bush to the dialectical search for history and liberty as constructed in the political philosophy of Hegel. I think this article might be a little over Bush's head.
• Worst advertising campaign for your game show: Death.
• Just because you have a badge and a gun doesn't mean that you can't be a complete ass.
• I couldn't not take the blowjob, officer. I was surrounded by Black guys. If I didn't get this blowjob, I thought I was going to die. 110th Congress, everybody!
  
• It was true: Keith Richards did snort his dad. The memoir's still going to be worthless.
• La Vida Lohan is at Rehab Summer Camp. This way, she can't read about how everyone hates I Know Who Killed Me.

That's the blast. In case of cabin de-pressurization, air bags will not pop out of the overhead compartment.

Information Blast: 55% Less Legit

I think this one contains more legitimate news than most of my other posts. Just to prove that there is a lot going on elsewhere in the world. There's a ridiculous story or two, for sure. This wouldn't be an information blast if it didn't have some ridiculous news. Let's get it...

• First things first, apparently Kanye (West) thinks people care about what he says.
• R. Kelly finally goes on trial for peeing on young girls. Only took five years.
• Justice is brought to the people of Sierra Leone as they try to recover from the civil war that inspired a Kanye West song.
• There's a war in Somalia right now with Ethiopia. A Report.
• The Russians are trying to expand their empire. They are already brainwashing the youth. The better question is who will be Chamberlain this time around?
• Gonzales sorta, kinda takes responsibility for creating confusion. Actually, scratch that. That sentence implies that his mea culpa actually makes sense.
• Big Bird will tell you how to get to your grave.
• Karl Rove is standing his ground, digging in with both feet.
• The English are telling the English that the Americans are upset with their prodigal son. America's still nonplussed.
• McClatchy returns to the days of shooting from the hip with this article about campaign books. This article should be reason enough to advocate drinking while reporting.
• This wouldn't be a bad idea in the godless Northeast, but it is a terrible one in the Bible Belt.
• If you think your money is worth nothing in America, you will be high royalty in Zimbabwe.
• Bush proves in this incident that you can take a good ol' boy out the frat, but you can't take the frat out of the good ol' boy.
• Sean Penn is now going to be called a terrorist and supporter of communism. I think he was already, but this is just icing on the cake.
• An AP writer gets intellectually lazy in the stirring paternity case of Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy. This case is so uninteresting that I can't even come up with a witty one-liner for it.
• Only assholes and Classics majors make casual references to the Odyssey. And, no, the two terms are not synonymous.
• See, if prostitution were legal, this man could take this woman to court for failure to provide services requested. From her perspective, the woman wouldn't have had to run away from a crazy guy using a truck as a weapon.
• Women from film then and now. Some of them are quite shocking.
• Nicole Ritchie is untalented. She can't act either.

While I thought this one was more substantial, it turns up my one from yesterday is a lot more substantial than this one.

Information Blast: Fuck Giuliani!!!!

My contempt for "America's Mayor" has been quite obvious. I've got some good shit to add to the gripes once forwarded by Kathleen Hanna on the eponymous Le Tigre album. Anyway, I've got way too many articles for you to persue. Dig it!

• Slate looks back to the origins of those crazy Christian rockers. Turns up Jesus can be found in Acid after all.
• Good Idea, Bad Idea time. Good Idea: Juicing people for money by saying your daughter is dead. Bad Idea: Your daughter is a) still alive and b) sitting directly outside of the building.
• Dick Cheney is a national menace along with being a goon. He should know better than to pick on America's Mom Hillary Clinton.
• Fan favorite and personal favorite from the John Waters acting stable Mink Stole talks about those landmark roles with the A.V. Club.
• This one's for the academics. A history professor complains about the shift in focus from cultural history to social history. History professor clearly has an anti-area studies bias. Damn historians and their master subject narratives.
  
• A gem from passive aggressive notes.
• You can do organ harvesting the right way, the wrong way, or the Max Power way.
• Keith Richards is writing a book. And, by write a book, Richards means he will do a lot of blow then proceed to rattle off his life story to an unemployed writer. I feel sorry for their editor.
  
• Black commenter comments on how white people get a pass in the media while Black people are immediately condemned. Yea, yea, I know. What else is new?
• Giuliani's camp is calling this a hatchet job. Hatchet Job means it's true, but you'll look bad if you admit this and let it get in the way of your husband being a total loon and complete jackass.
• You already know this.
• Add complete and utter moron to Mitt Romney's stellar list of accomplishments. Why is this guy qualified to be president again?

We're going to take a little break from the Information Blast to check in on the quagmire in Iraq: the $1 Trillion project of nation building. While the numbers are decreasing in deaths, they aren't really as Iraqis are still being killed in high rates and daily. If this weren't enough, we can't account for 190K guns given to Iraqi security forces. Yea, good work there, Dubya. I think that I can smell the progress. Smells like burning flesh and motor oil. Back to the Blast!

• Hatton-Mayweather is a huge fight, but you're missing the point. I want you to note the rhetoric from Mayweather's camp.
• OMG! A blogger at The Huffington Post stops crying about the competitiveness of American society and makes a good point about journalism!
• If you need to understand why Rupert Murdoch owning the Wall Street Journal is a bad thing, I refer you to another HuffPo piece about the media oligarchy. Wow, HuffPo actually produces some decent pieces today. I'm amazed.
• So, Jonah Goldberg has this brilliant idea to reinstate the voting test. Yes, reverse all that work my grandmother and others did back in the 1950s and 60s to gain the right to vote. Great idea, JG!
• I think this article is a clear reason for why I can't stand the Democratic Party of the United States. Newsflash: you're considered soft because you are soft.
• This story is pretty simple: Married couple flies flag upside down in protest. Couple called unpatriotic. Cop comes to house and says couple is desecrating the flag. Couple complies by taking flag down. Cop kicks down door. Cop beats shit out of husband. Cop arrest husband. Yep, this story's perfectly normal.
• Barack Obama proves he still knows nothing about foreign policy. I have to give him credit: he, at least, said something substantive.
• O.J. Simpson really needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut. His ass isn't in jail because he couldn't fit a leather glove over a rubber one.
• A genius piece: inappropriate hyphenated names. Example: Best-Lay.
• Man's in jail after a high-speed chase in May. Nothing too strange about this. Problem is he has no limbs. Zero. He's only got stubs.
• Britney Spears, along with being a terrible mother, is threatening paparazzi while her bodyguard beats them. We are witness to one of the greatest meltdowns of all-time. Britney Spears is setting herself up to be the Judy Garland of the 21st Century, except without any discernable talent. Well, there's still hope with K-Fed?
• Kate Moss kinda, sorta responds via proxy to Pete Doherty's rambling, Rick James-esque speech.
• Excerpts have been released from Karrine Steffans a/k/a Superhead's new book. But, I ask you, fair male readers: would you get with this chick? Two words from this guy: no dice.

Wow, this was mad long, but I haven't seen anything of consequence enough for me to talk about it. So, that's why it's mad long.