Soccer or Football. To-ma-to, To-mat-o

Today, at the challenge of one Adam Khatib and due to the fact I was going to watch it anyway, I'm live blogging the 2nd Leg of the Champions League Semi of AC Milan v. Manchester United at the bizarrely named San Siro.

For the non-soccer folks, this is like two of the top ten of all-time in their field going up against each other. To set the scene, Man U is up 3-2 currently, but the game was at their house. AC Milan has to win by a differential of 1 to go through to the final and keep it from being an all-England final as possibly could be. Click the link and stay posted. I'm just going to keep adding to this. Hopefully this match will be more entertaining than Chelsea v. Liverpool.

• We're still in pre-game, so pump your brakes there, chief.
• I have to say without question, my favorite unreasonable part of football is the line-up and the young child. no use for the young kids.
• Kick-off: it is a wet, rainy day in Milan. Keep that in mind.
• Milan in Red, Man U in white.
  
• It's less than a minute in and Christian Ronaldo does something dumb. Backheels with an interceder: always a bad idea
• Kaka on the run and almost got it on the foot of Inzaghi. Could have been 1-0. he complains that he was getting pulled. He was, but they'll let that side.
• Also, color commentary guy is going to be worthless in this game. I already have the feeling.
• Milan's setting up against for the attack. Free kick on the wing. Seedorf cleans up and almost puts it in. Good work from Van Der Sar on the save.
• 4 minutes in, I realize I should probably note minutes when things happen.
• 6' - Ronaldo ran, but the ball was put safely out of the touch of Rooney
• 7'- Good cross. Kaka should have finished that ball.
• 8'- Man U's looking out of sorts defensively. They need to find their rhythm otherwise this will be a long, long game
• 11' - Kaka: GOAL!!!!! Pretty shot, right out of the reach of van der sar. Great ball control, better finish for the trailer Kaka in the bottom of the net. 1-0 Milan. Assist to Seedorf, a criminally underappreciated player.
  
• 13' - Man U is pushing. They have the corner. Giggs on the corner. Good ball, but Milan broke it up and is now in the offensive half.
  
• 14' - A bad cross will go down as a shot because it got to the goalkeeper.
• Manchester looks scared or something. They don't have the same swagger they normally have. They look lost like they don't play in hostile environments all of the time.
  
• 16' - Pirlo crosses a fancy ball. Van der Sar got their before Inzaghi, but the idea gets applause from this guy.
• 17' - Pirlo goes from about 20 m. Off target but it made the keeper come off his line.
  
• 18-19' - The ball needs to be in Rooney's control more. He's who they should be looking for on this upcoming free kick from about 30-35 m. Giggs hooked it in, it was deflected and played back in. Offsides.
• 20' - Giggs gives it a rip, but Dida swallows it up.
• This Milan defense is stifling. Any ball that comes in on a Man U foot is being stolen with ease. This is crazy.
• They are referencing Man U playing Everton. Everton is not Milan, and Everton has been known to play less than neat football.
  
• 22-23' - Fletcher trying to control, but the defense was there and put it on the corner. Milan goal kick.
• I'm going to agree with the color guy here. Manchester's getting comfortable again in the game and its flow. They are attacking more, their runs are better, and they are getting good looks.
• 25' - Milan in the offensive half. Tried to get a flop, but no dice.
• This game is like bombardment. Man U's D is just getting pelted with crosses and penetrations.
  
• 28' - Milan corner. Deflected high in the sky and cleaned up nicely by Van der Sar.
• 30' - SEEDORF GOAL!!!!!!! 2-0 Milan. A beautiful, hustling goal. He gets the ball taken off his foot, but instead hits it out of the air to the bottom corner of the net. Awful defending by Man U, fantastic goal by Seedorf. Van der Sar's rightfully pissed.
• 33 minutes in and I haven't heard Wayne Rooney's name get called. If Man U wants to go on, they need to put the ball on his feet. They've been talking about Evra a lot, and he's really good, but this is more than one player. This team doesn't have its head in the game. Sir Alex needs to get them refocused or something for them to even stand a chance. This isn't Roma; Milan can play fantastic defense.
• 35' - BODY CHECK!
• 37' - Man U playing dirty in the set pieces. Milan goal kick.
• 39' - Wayne Rooney gets a call on a cross, but it didn't work out so well. Dida caught it with ease. The rain's slowed. Let's see if Man U starts streaking more.
• 40' - Handball - Fletcher. Milan free kick about 35-40 m out. Pirlo really botched that one. The announcers called him a master. Now, they are calling him an ex-master.
• 41' - Inzaghi gets a good look. A little too much force, but good attempt nonetheless.
  
• I'm going to go on record and say that Gattuso is a beast. As long as they don't call him the snarling dog many more times during this broadcast, I'll be alright.
• 44' - Man U's applying pressure, or at least trying to. We are approaching stoppage time. Let's see if Man U can go in on a high note.
  
• 45' - Rooney with a good strike. It got deflected, but he needs to do more like that. Rooney needs to start dictating the pace.
  
• One Minute of Stoppage Time. This can only end too soon for Man U.
  
• 45+' - Ronaldo tries from deep to no avail, as can be expected.
• HALFTIME

An exciting 45 minutes of professional European football. Milan thoroughly outclassed Manchester in that half. They displayed better touch on the ball, more creativity, and looked for its primary strikers. The defenses were studies in opposites. Man U: shaky, playing timidly. Milan: solid as a rock, not letting any strikers get a good look on frame. Milan is also controlling the midfield in possession and putting the ball into useful spots for the strikers. The only thing that Milan supporters can hope for is that the team does not sit back on its laurels and defend instead of trying to ice the game and take it completely out of Manchester's reach. They also cannot let Giggs, Scholes, and Rooney get started in the middle of the field. Man U needs to get their D tightened up and working as catalysts. Let them make runs and get the ball into the offensive half. The first 45 were compelling. The next 45 should offer just as much with a team that is now desperate to put up 2 goals to stay alive (with only one, they would be out on aggregate due to the fact that Milan scored two away goals while Manchester will have only scored one).

• We are post halftime now. Milan at minute 46 has the free kick from 37 m. With that poor showing, can someone please take Pirlo off the free kick if he's going to continue doing that?
• 48' - O'Shea with a dangerous cross. No one could finish it off. Giggs tried, but his efforts were thwarted.
• 50' - Milan with the sloppy crossing pass. O'Shea tried to play it into the box. Dida clears it up easily.
• 53' - Kaka goes running and puts it on frame. Van der Sar made a fantastic save. Simply fantastic. Whoever is on Kaka is getting SMOKED like salmon.
• 55' - Ronaldo tried to go on frame, but the defender blocked it. Milan went running. Seedorf tried to play cute and Man U took control. They almost got on frame, but Dida got it.
  
• 56' - Ronaldo tries to go on frame from a set piece. No dice; hit the wall. Corner. Easily dealt with by Dida.
• 58-59' - Gattuso gives up a corner kick in a terrible spot. About 25 meters out from goal. Ronaldo with an attempt to save the team. Blocked by the wall. Dida does clean-up.
• This half is considerably more controlled than the first. Dida made an interesting clear, but it should be alright.
• 62' - Inzaghi played it right, but couldn't get on the end of the ball.
• 63' - Fletcher has a fantastic look, but makes a terrible attempt. Rooney should have struck it instead of Fletcher.
• 64' - Rooney gives it a go twice. One from the side of the net, another as a bicycle. Both ineffective. Rooney was looking for a penalty and has a legit claim, but it's too late to consider otherwise (no instant replay in soccer).
  
• Milan's packing it in a little bit. This is what I feared they would do. They need to work to put one more on the goal to shore things up. They don't need to sit around and play defense. Solidify then rest.
• 69' - Kaka finally gets the stick from his defender.
• 70' - Solid cross. Defender had to put it into touch for Milan. The cross came in, but didn't work out so well for them.
• GILARDINO GOAL!!!! On 78'. 3-0 Milan. This game is pretty much over. They have to get it to 3-2 to ensure that they will play overtime! Gilardino's goal is useful, but third prettiest on the night for sure. Note: that would make it the ugliest one.
  
• 83' - FISTICUFFS!!!!!!
• 84' - Ronaldo booked on the retaliation foul.
• 85' - Gattuso replaced with the salty vet Cafu. He's so salty, he can cure meats with one touch.
• While a quieter half, Milan has still dominated.
  
• 86' - Kaka taken out to a warrior's applause. He's had a great day on the pitch.
  
• Commentator just said that Manchester isn't on the level of Milan. I'm apt to agree.
• 88' - Giggs tried to play in, but was smacked down by the defense.
• 89' - Man U tries from long, but still no dice. Time is running down, they have to get this done or at least try instead of looking like some sauce bums.
• 90' - The fans are doing the wave. Oh man, this game is over. Go get a beer, get a bite to eat, continue on with your lives because this football game is OVA!
• Three Minutes of Stoppage Time. I don't know why. Manchester can't come back in that time span and it seems slightly unreasonable. I guess it must be because of the fisticuffs and the substitutions
• 90+' - Cafu puts it on frame, but it was a weak effort. He could have done more with it, but it doesn't really matter.
• Final Whistle! 3-0 Milan. Dida gets the clean sheet. Milan completely outclassed Manchester. Fantastic win that. End of the month: Liverpool v. AC Milan in Athens for all the marbles.
  

Streams on Kiddie Beauty Queens*

*Yes, that should sound dirty.

I'm going stream-of-consciousness on Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown. I have an important question to ask you: If someone told you that Justin Timberlake was a beauty pageant king, would you be impressed at all? Would you care?

As far as I've gained, the show is following four kids as they prepare for the biggest kiddie pageant in America. The first kid is Joanna, the reigning queen. She seems interested, but her mom looks more interested in her winning than she does, even as she criticizes her at every juncture. Aleena is the second girl who already has a sense of sex appeal, which is slightly disturbing. Kynnedy is a Black pageant queen who just wants to have her father see her at a pageant. Jordan is the long shot in this set. Her mom called her clumsy and described the losing streak that Jordan has been on. As it is, she hasn't been in a pageant for 9 months.

Jordan is staying home while the rest of the girls are going to a pageant called "International Total Miss," a virtual semi-final for the bigger pageant. We are introduced to the people who have made their careers on the exploitation of young children. A particularly interesting figure is the host Mr. Tim, who is also the narrator. Colorful guy there.

The three girls are getting ready for the pageant tomorrow. Aleena has to take a bath, then TAN, and go to sleep by 11. Kynnedy is practicing her smiling while her father complains about being tricked into coming to the event. Joanna is thinking ahead of herself about winning the prize money and getting a pony. Apparently, she was upsetting her mother, but they both upset me more than they could ever imagine. Also, who tells their six-year-old to stick their chest out more as they are walking along? That's kind of wrong, but we're on commercials now.

With commercials over, Mr. Tim brings us back to Gatlinburg, TN [sic] and the International Total Miss Pageant. The pageant is three parts: casual wear, swim wear, and formal wear (beauty). Joanna is irritating her mom, Aleena is using her sex appeal, and Kynnedy's pops is hella disappointed about having to be there. While not there, but somewhere else, Jordan is just a hot mess. The pageant coach is complaining about her not having any actual rhythm. They note that their is a swim wear component of the competition. Does anyone else find it wrong that little girls are being judged on swim wear? That seems sort of horribly wrong and exploitative.

So, we get some hot runway action with the 3-4 years old. We are transferred to the 6 years old who are getting fake tans, fake eyelashes, and their hair curled. Apparently, Aleena's mom is the queen of the spray tan. There is also a family called the Welches who sell "flippers," false teeth for beauty queens who are LOSING THEIR ACTUAL TEETH. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? Anyway, you have to have the flippers, which will set you back 250 because you are six and in a natural biological development period where you lose your teeth.

Kynnedy's dad is still pissed that her daughter wants to be a beauty queen because it is expensive such as the 2 Grand glamour dress. We are currently in a scene with Joanna reminding us that they are only 6, as she complains about getting her hair done. They are using more hairspray than Divine in Female Trouble. Aleena's hair is falling down because the humidity is too high! The humidity is just awful in this building!

So, the girls finally go into their beauty pageant and the older people try to explain that this is not exploitation of children, as it clearly appears. There is some interesting video of the girls on the runway with them thinking about "money" while they walk. I won't get into how this portrays a negative female image. I'll defer that commentary to your local (radical) Feminist.

After commercials, we are caught up with Jordan, who is still at home trying to step her game up. Apparently, the beauty pageants are very, very long. Kynnedy's pops is still not feeling this competition. Apparently, swim wear allows for the young girls to be like the big girls. That's so wrong on so many levels, especially since they are all of six years old. I'm also going to disregard the fact that Kynnedy, the Black girl, is the queen of the swim suit. I can't keep up and go down that road.

The swim wear competition is way more disturbing than I thought it would be. The girls are walking around like they are at Carnivale, swinging their hips and doing a walking samba. They have moved onto the next level with girls going "freestyle." The girls are allowed to dress how they please and dance to the music. They call it pro-am, but I don't really know what that means. All during this situation, the parents are coaching the kids and guiding the kids through this situation.

We are now in the outfit of choice, and I have to say that so many of these outfits are atrociously awful. Also, Aleena failed on an important component of her dance: the jacket twirl. Also, the girls are now being awarded. Essentially everyone gets an award, except for Aleena. It's clearly because she dropped her jacket during the outfit of choice round. Joanna won the whole competition although I feel like I've lost far more than she's won. Kynnedy won something else, but I'm not really clear what is what. We get the inevitable disappointment of Aleena having explained to her that she sucks and her mom's tactless explanation of it all. With International Total Miss now finished, after the break, we will be whisked away to the majesty that is the Fabulous Faces competition in FLO'DA (that's Florida for all of those of the more sane persuasion)!

I have to say that this show is starting to make me want to smoke crack. Not yet, but if some crackhead walked up to me and said hey, you wanna smoke some rock, I would actually contemplate taking them up on the offer.

Kynnedy's pops is proud, but he's never going to another pageant again while the other parents are in various states. Jordan's mom is actually concerned for her child and her well-being, especially if she doesn't win. This is the first time that this has happened during the show. I'm actually amazed that it hasn't happened more often, but it is fitting that it hasn't.

The work required to organize a pageant is immense, and they are rotting the kids' teeth with tons of candy due to candy sponsorships. Just, no. Just say no.

The girls are getting done up. Jordan is not a fan of the beauty pageant culture, which is actually refreshing because she's acting like a *gasp* normal six year old. There's some faux tension being built up right now as the parents get concerned for their kids even though the kids aren't that concerned. There is a dance sequence that has pushed me over the edge. I want to smoke crack now.

The pageant has started. Joanna's mom talks about how she can control her child by sticking her tongue out and flipping her hand about. Yet again, another sane comment from Jordan's mom. This competition is really disturbing. The girls' walks are all really unnatural and really disturbing me. Like, I'm really creeped out. It's like watching mod girls dancing, but with way, way less rhythm and the awesome 60's soundtrack. Anyway, I can regain some senblance of my decency with this coming advertising block.

We are in Daytona Beach with gratuitous shots of the female bosom. Rapid switch back to the girls getting done up for the swimsuit competition. The judges get some late advice on what to look at in the girls. The parents are freaking out over their daughters. There's some faux drama, but nothing too serious. Aleena might be out, but that's her mom's fault not hers because she forgt the number. Joanna's glue doesn't work or something. I don't really know what's going on there. Mr. Tim has made a costume change, looking sketch as usual.

The competition is now over. Some trash talking between Aleena and Joanna. No games. Some girls won some bootleg, lower prizes, but that's not important. We're America and no one cares about the small things. Who's number 1? Kynnedy won the swimsuit award. I'm not touching that one. But her mom rolls on the ground. She just set back Black people a decade. Joanna repeated as top champion. Mom's jazzed. Joanna's kind of jazzed, but not too jazzed. Aleena's just hating and mad because she didn't win. Aleena's explanation also doesn't make a lot of sense, but I shouldn't expect more as she's six and all.

On the whole, this was possibly one of the most painful things that I've ever sat through. I'm going to go watch the Colbert Report and try to wash this atrocity from my mind, or at least replace it with dreams about Lindsay Lohan. COUNT IT!