Gossiping about Gossip Girl

On Wednesday nights, the demoralization of America's Youth is taken on with great glee by the executives of the CW. There is the whole institution of America's Next Top Model, which is a complete farce of a program in my opinion. The show lost credibility when the houses became huge shrines to the washed-up model-cum-talk show host/investigative reporter that is Tyra Banks and a testament to her life instead of an actually legitimate search for a good model. If you don't understand what I mean, ask yourself this question: when was the last time you saw Naima? I apologize for the young heads, but she was the most recent one that I could think of because I haven't watched the show for years. But, I'm going to put my animosity towards Ty Ty on the shelf for a moment.

My ire needs to be focused on the show after it, Gossip Girl. Although I am only 23, I am surprisingly out of touch with the youth of America. Apparently, this show is based of a series of wildly successful young adult books that read like an unrestrained Bonfire of the Vanities. From what I've read about them, the content of these books would set Tom Wolfe's seersucker suits ablaze with hedonism. But, that does not concern me. I'm only concerned with the quality of the program because that's what I'm about as a viewer.

For those who are unaffiliated with either the Gossip Girl books or Bonfire of the Vanities, the show Gossip Girl revolves around an unknown blogger who writes about the goings-on of the elite prep schoolers of Manhattan's notoriously tony Upper East Side. Central to the story are Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf, BFF's who had a falling out because of Serena sleeping with Blair's man Nate, who secretly has a thing for Serena. I think the cliché of this show made me gag a little.

Anyway, this show is exactly what that little bit of talking suggests it is: a teen soap much in the vein of The O.C., which is fitting because the executor of this show is Josh Schwartz aka the guy who created The O.C. Now, this clearly means that stereotypical characters from that show must be fulfilled on this one. To do a comparison of sorts, let's take this line. Serena is Marissa. Blair is Summer only in hair color (both are brunettes). Dan is Ryan, but way more loaded; he's new money which is looked down upon in this clique. Dan's Pops is like Sandy Cohen. There's no Kirsten. Julie Cooper is Serena's mom: trashy background but being elitist now. But, notice who's left out: Seth Cohen. And, this is why Gossip Girl fails as a show. I'm not trying to suggest that all of these characters are picture-perfect recastings of their west coast brethren, but I am trying to suggest that they all play on pretty generic archetypes of the teen drama.

Additionally, the absence of Seth Cohen allows this show to run itself into overly serious self-commentary without any real sense of irony or humor. Sure, Gossip Girl is funny, but it's an unintentional humor, a humor brought on by overgrown sense of self-importance than a realization of its own innate absurdity. While lacking Seth Cohen's caustic humor is alright, that absence would be tempered by the realization that the show is patently ridiculous, much in a move similar to those of Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210, and Dynasty. But, Gossip Girl fails in this respect as well as it takes itself far too seriously. The characters deliver their lines with sincerity, and they actually seem to care about each other, which is just tragic.

So, if you are keeping track, I hate the show because it's a soap opera that takes itself seriously, but not seriously enough. You'd be half right. I'd throw in that it's cliché, wooden, overly sincere for a soap opera, and constantly laced with the jamz that the cool kids like. I've never watched a show with a constant soundtrack like Gossip Girl. Frankly, it's distracting. So, if you know what's good for you, stay away from this show. If you want to be dangerous, you will soon be wishing for the return of the Walshes and Dylan from that magical zip code in Beverly Hills.

A Few Words on Ms. Spears

Last night, Britney Spears made a last attempt to save her public career, to show the world that she has gotten her shit back together and focused on the music again*. Coming out in her underwear and panties with some tights on, Britney sauntered around the stage, lip synced poorly (I've realized and accepted that she will never sing a song live. Why should I ever expect that of my pop stars?), and pretty much looked like a deer caught in headlights. Actually, the expression of Curtis at the third minute of her performance (if the link doesn't work, do a search on google video) pretty much sums up everything. His mouth is agape, unsure if he is watching a bad performance or the visualization of a career at its end.

Now, the new single's not really that good. It'll get some spins on the gay club circuit, but that's pretty much it. I'll be surprised if this song blows up. But, more on top of everything, her performance was just terrible. Uninspired, unmotivated, and poorly performed, I'm having difficulty in even offering an explanation for why we should care about Britney Spears as a pop singer anymore. At least Fergie's going all out and putting on good shows. We'll have to see if this performance was the death knell of Spear's career or if Spears can make it out of this period of turmoil to thrive once again. The good part about this is the fact that we will only have to wait a few weeks to find out as her album, I think, drops in October.

*focusing on the music is a relative term as she doesn't write much of her music. But, I'm meaning that she's at least back in the studio and recording or even hanging around in the studio. I will accept her hanging around in the studio as focusing on the music again.

Editorial note: I didn't watch the actual performance live. That would give MTV the impression that I support their programming, which I definitely don't now that they've canceled Pimp My Ride.

Top Televison

Time released a list of the 100 Greatest Television Shows of All-time this week. I actually had forgotten because I added it to my del.icio.us stash.

The reason that I added it there was because I really didn't have much of a problem with the list. Some of the shows I don't watch. Others that I would add like Designing Women, Mr. Show with Bob and David, and Absolutely Fabulous did not make the cut, but I'm not really that upset about it.

The primary reason for this being that so many of the shows that I grew up watching either in syndication or on actual television are on the list. If you don't know a lot of the shows on the list, don't feel bad. It's just a testament to how much influence Hollywood has had on my life. So much so that I became a television critic.

Subterranean of 120 Minutes

At 1.30 in the morning, a weird juxtaposition of ideas has taken place. Two channels away from each other, two experiments of music programming and television progression were taking places. On MTV2, the alternative/indie show Subterranean was on the air. For those who are unfamiliar, this show is hosted by a guy named Jim Shearer. I'm not sure who this guy was, but the reason I stopped watching this show (hey, it was nice to see videos that I was actually into. And, the show also became considerably worse as the station's idea changed.) was because this guy said his favorite album was a No Doubt record. I know, music snob. But, hear me out, his taste had obviously changed and the guests were becoming more and more mainstream. This is on a show that had some fairly underground folks on it. You'll have to forgive my shakiness with generating names. I was watching hours of MTV without a notepad, what do you expect of me? I can barely explain dramas from MTV. I definitely can't explain a television show made up of music videos and useless banter from a creepy looking VJ. But, the show was changing into the pile of crap that it is now.

Subterranean shows a lot of indie rock that has been making news in the presses and on the blogs. Bands like The Shins, The Arcade Fire, Tegan and Sara, etc. You know the scene. This is a drastic change from a show that exposed me to a small band from Baltimore called The Oranges Band. I never heard of these guys anywhere else but on Subterranean. I saw their albums when I got to college, but I didn't read or see a single write-up about these guys again. I'm not trying to sound like this sort of thing really matters, but I'm trying to give you scope of the fact that this was the type of show that Subterranean used to be. It was thoroughly embedded with giving lesser-known bands a space on television to play their music videos and get some valuable airtime on that commercial bastard of MTV.

But, as MTV became more involved in the broadcasting of MTV2, this forum disappeared and made fans of the real, uncut indie sound more nostalgic for the gem of programming that aired in the 1980s and 1990s: 120 Minutes. This was the real place to go for bands that were on the underground and doing really huge things. I was sold on the awesomeness of this show on two different occasions. For some reason, my mom thought it was a good idea that I have a television in my room. I can't explain it, but as long as I can remember, I've had a television in my room with cable. With such an opportunity at hand, you do what any other regular person would do: watch some television until you get tired.

Sundays would roll around and I was usually awake at midnight, the starting hour of 120 Minutes. One weekend, I caught an episode of the show. Matt Pinfield was standing around awkwardly as he usually did. He was talking about a band that was coming out of England called Portishead. You may snicker now, but this was back in 1994 when we are all still mourning Kurt Cobain. So, this is some fairly advanced madness. More importantly, trip-hop hadn't even blown up in England at that point in time. So, this is some really high-end advanced madness. I remember sitting in my dark room, looking down at my tv (like all cool american boys, I had a bunk bed at that age.) at the video for sour times. I thought it was the coolest video ever.


Online Videos by Veoh.com

It's still a pretty cool video now, but such a display of subdued tones and a creepy song at midnight is a fairly special experience to have. That's why I remember that night. The second night was a bit later.

I copped a VCR from somewhere, and I started taping instead of watching it live. I could then actually sleep at night while not missing anything. Also, think of the pleasure of fast forwarding through a video that sucks to the next one that doesn't suck. It's a feeling better than going to the bathroom at a restaurant and coming back to your food already being on the table. So satisfying. Anyway, when I was watching one of these back, I saw the Butthole Surfers. In the time before the moderate success of Pepper on the alt-rock charts, Butthole Surfers did a set of songs on the show. It was one of the most nuts things that I had seen in a long time. Additionally, I didn't know about Gibbytronics at that point in time either, so my mind was being blown on another level by this dude sitting here with a crazy electronics kit modulating his voice. After this display, I was convinced that 120 Minutes is the best show of all time. It had some sketchy time at the end, but the show had already done its damage.

Seeing as both shows were so satisfying to watch, the differences between the two shows had become quite obvious in watching the reincarnation of 120 Minutes on VH1 Classic and the current Subterranean. The current 120 Minutes is still honest to its past. It's not quite the same, but the videos are the videos that are popular from their runs on the original runs of the show. Some of the songs were popular. Others were not. But, the same could not be said of Subterranean. The songs were generic, popular indie rock songs. While this used to be an oxymoron, those times are long past. The indie rocker is just as mainstream as the Fergies of the world. The only difference is the fact that they only get the national tour instead of the international tour. Regardless, they are songs that have been cosigned by, either, the whole scene including blogs and/or establishment sources. There is no danger anymore to the music that was on display in Subterranean. It's mother 120 Minutes would have still been disappointed.

While the fan in me was sad that he might have to watch that totally awesome Red Skies at Night video again, it got me thinking on a larger level about the larger project of MTV. MTV has been thoroughly romanticized by my generation. MTV, as it seemed to us, had a soul or a spirit. While, in hindsight, this perspective is clearly naive on our part as MTV has always intended to sell the most product not portray a spirit. But, the difference is the fact that MTV, while aiming to sell a product, were still willing to experiment in showing lesser-represented music. While it may have been during off-hours, they did make the effort to do so. Their was an authenticity to MTV in its music-programming. There were shows that you could turn on and find music that wasn't in the mainstream. But, that spirit is gone, probably replaced with an episode of Parental Control or Next.

With this as its realtiy and with its fundamental goal never changing, how has MTV lost its status as a cultural tastemaker. The station has always existed to make money, but it also made a lot of the national tastes. I can't think of the last time that anyone has blown up from exposure on MTV for at least five if not six years. The magic strength that it used to have was deleted by its current reality-based scheme.

This is clearly the fault of the station, but I wonder why the audience doesn't operate with it anymore, why the audience no longer buys what MTV is selling. I wonder if the current generation is smarter than I give them credit for. I think that these kids are far more media saavy and aware of their surroundings. I think that a lot of kids still buy into it, but I think that their reasoning will be deeper than it is what's cool. That would make them a hipster, which is also one of the cool marketable looks for kids nowadays. This is a topic that I will have to revisit in due time. Any insights from the readers are greatly appreciated, so leave a comment. It might actually help in clarifying this whole issue.

Bands Reunite and A Possible Return

In my perpetual reading of the fabulous Best Week Ever blog, there were a couple of stories that caught my attention.

The first was about a list created about 25 Bands That Should Reunite. There are some bad choices on the list like Phish and The Grateful Dead. But, that's most based in my disinterest towards jam bands. Also, I'm not a huge Pink Floyd fan, who is the number one band to reunite. Talking Heads: I'm game to see them again, but I don't think that I want an album. David Byrne should just stay on his own and running Luaka Bop. The ones I would really like to see reunite are The Smiths, My Bloody Valentine, The Misfits (with Danzig. They are touring nowadays in a bastardized form; they aren't the real Misfits), Hüsker Dü, Pavement, Black Flag, and the Cocteau Twins. That's about half the list, so that's not too bad of a list in my book, especially when I don't agree with most lists that I read.

Now, the other story was about American Gladiators. American Gladiators is possibly one of the best shows of the 1990s. Devoid of the tropes of reality programming, AmGlad featured pretty much what everyone really wanted to watch on television: attractive people getting hot and sweaty with each other. There was a lot of tackling and really ridiculous games. Anyone who watched had their favorite gladiators on the show (Mine were Diamond, Zap, Ice, Sabre, and Tower because he frequently referred to himself as the Tower of Power while talking about himself. The others were just totally awesome). That was also the other totally sweet part of the name: the gladiators had totally ridiculous names that made sense when explained but were strange on their own. When I was growing up, it became ritual to watch the show every week. In my area, it came on at 10 am with wrestling coming on at 11. Yea, I watched wrestling too, but that's immaterial to this story.

This all-American display of awesomeness is returning back to television. NBC is reviving the old show as a midseason replacement. The only problem is that they are going to strip the show of its fun aspect, instead making it more like a reality show. Also, and against the traditional appeal of the gladiator contest as understood in Roman history, they are going to give the contestants the opportunity to train in the events before the actual event. This is preposterous. AmGlad was one of the best shows because it wasn't a lot of nonsense. You turn it on, and the first thing that happens is action. Hardcore, bone-shattering, dude-on-dude, girl-on-girl action. No chach. This was why I liked this show. I also watched this show because the contests had no idea of what they were doing. They didn't see the wall before the climbed it. They didn't know how to operate the weapons on the assault field. These things made watching the show just that much more fun. In the end, you didn't even notice that an hour had passed.

I will watch this show, but I hope that they let that hot sports action take the center stage instead of the background of the contestants, which I don't really care about. Actually, that's a primary problem that I have with reality programming. A lot of it is based around building characters and drama instead of letting the show's topic speak for itself. Call me a realist if you will, but I don't like fake drama. This will sound hypocritical as I watch a lot of Bravo reality programming, but I hate that aspect of Bravo programming as well. It was actually what drove me crazy about Top Design, season three of Project Runway, and season two of Top Chef: the fake drama created between the contestants. I just think that all of the emphasis on drama and less on the pure displays of talent and emotion are a bad strategy towards creating good television. And, this is coming from someone who has watched a lot of television in his life.

It's Always Sunny...

I had to of talked about this at some point in time, but, if not, here it goes. The best sitcom on television right now is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Following in the mold of Seinfeld, Sunny started with four narcissists, which evolved to five after Danny DeVito came on board in Season Two. The situations are just as ridiculous, if not more so. It's also got a bit of Arrested Development going on in there as well as three of the characters are theoretically family (this fact was fleshed out a bit during a Second Season episode).

Anyway, the third season is starting soon. If you haven't watched it before, go to myspace.com/sunnyfx and watch a full preview episode from the upcoming season. I watched it, and it was definitely archetypal Sunny, which means that it was completely hilarious and cracked out. It also involved a favorite from earlier seasons, and it's not the McPoyle twins although those guys are pretty sweet.

Self-Loathing or So Genius It Hurts?

A day or two ago, I thought about women's programming. Strange, I know. But, I've been thinking about typecasting in programming. I know all about this from watching way too much ESPN Classic, which is a channel that is dedicated to all things male. This maleness is personified in such programming as Rodeos, continual boxing (I love boxing, but I'm also a man), and old sports programming such as vintage Basketball and American Gladiators. There is also Spike, but I don't really watch it. But, it's another men's channel. But, I'm not explaining my project.

Women's programming, as I have seen it, revolves around esteem-destroying programming and denigration of fellow women. That seems wrong. I don't know what it is, but I feel like that is counterproductive. Also, the programming on these channels is really questionable. Some of it is good like A Different World, Living Single, and Xena: Warrior Princess on Oxygen and The Golden Girls and Frazier on Lifetime. But, the bulk of this is terrible.

Now, before any haters say, of course you wouldn't like the programming, it's meant for women. That's where you would be wrong. I've watched a ton of women's programming and actually like a good bit of it. A good television show is a good television show. I'm convinced that there is something more insidious in this whole project of women's programming. I know that women control it, but it has this feeling that men are setting it up and feeding women what they think they would like as they did in the 1950s.

I'm going to undergo a social experiment. I'm going to subject myself to full days of the women oriented channels. This includes: E!, Style Channel, Oxygen, Women's Entertainment, and Lifetime. I'll skip over SoapNet because I can explain their demographic right now: 30-50 yo middle-class housewife. She loves her 2 kids and husband. She also probably lives in the suburbs and drives a station wagon or a SUV. She's also involved in the community and likes a good deal. She probably also reads romance novels from time to time as well. There's a good chance that she's also white, but I don't want to assume on that front. The other channels are a little cloudier. I'm going to spend some time looking at them and studying. I'll do each one by channel instead of together. This is an ongoing special project unlike 5 a day was. They won't be everyday. They will hopefully come soon, one after another. But, I wouldn't expect it. Watch out for it to start.

Awesomeness

As I'm kicking it watching Grosse Pointe, which is the best show that the WB ever canceled, and listening to Pink and Brown's Shame Fantasy II, I thought about the fact that I saw the trailer for the second season of The Boondocks. Without question, my favorite cartoon of the current crop. This show is brilliant. I want the rest of you to revel in its brilliance as well. I've been waiting for like a year for this season to drop. And, I've still got like another 2 months.



Love your weekends and love yourself more than Isadora Wing*.

*kudos to those who understand the reference.

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, Making My Eyes Bleed

Going Live again on a program that came on days ago, Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. Before I begin, I'd like to point out this story from ABC about Victoria wanting a stylist that won't outshine her.

The show starts with a montage of Victoria going around Hollywood and being hyped up to death. Victoria has to find a house, get a driver's license, and find a manicurist. The struggles of being ridiculously rich and famous. I'm so not impressed, nor do I think this will be "major," as Posh thinks it will.

Post-montage, Posh and Becks are getting styled for their euro-trashy photoshoot in W. And, yes I paused so I could do that. Carrying onwards. We also have to remember that the Beckhams have three kids although they are heard but never seen. They talk about something; it's not all that important. Then there is a montage of the two taking pictures in Madrid. At this point, Posh and Becks separate. Becks stays in Spain to finish playing for Real Madrid. Becks goes ahead to do all of the tedious legwork of being rich.

Victoria talks about how she is surrounded by paparazzi all over Europe. She thought it might be different. I don't know if she was being dry or serious because, if she was being dry, she has a terrible sense of humor. Anyway, she arrives and the place is covered with paps. She tries to make another not funny joke about them expecting Madonna. No dice.

Upon arrival, Posh goes to the rental house, which she refers to as a dusty cube. She likes the house, but doesn't like the shitty piece of art in her house. At least, she has good taste. Anyway, she talks about how hard her life is going to be for the next few weeks. Of course, cut to her sitting by the pool. She's so busy she can't even pour her own champagne. Her hairstylist does it for her. I guess when you get paid as much as he does and travel the world with the woman, you can lower your standards a bit to do menial tasks for her. Some dramatic photos later for Becks, Posh is out of our sight for two minutes as we go on to the commercials.

As these commercials run, I am thinking to myself that I was going to write a legit commentary on this show. A legit review. Thought out and well considered. You know, like real critics do. But, I think that would require me to adequately care about Posh, which I don't. I only care enough to live blog.

Back from commercials, we came into an intro of Posh posing by the pool. Her personal assistant in America has shown up. Suffice it to say, she meets the standards of Posh: she's sort of dumpy and not as pretty as her. I think that Renee, her assistant, is pretty, but she will suffice for Posh's needs. Posh is laying down the rules for the house meaning that she has to do everything for the house. Renee has to do everything.

Anyway, we have now moved on to Posh's adventures with driving. She was doing well then pulled over. The paparazzi were on the scene as they always are. She then proceeded to comment that she should be wearing heels instead of flats and she didn't know whether to listen or to pose. The cop told her to go to the DMV and take the driving test.

Fast forward, we are at the DMV with Posh. It is a mob scene because this chica gets followed everywhere. Go figure. Anyway, she has to take a new photo. She gets touched up with lip gloss and her hair is done. To show the cultural gap and the fact that no one cares about soccer, she asked the lady who took the picture if she could retake her DMV photo. The lady tried to be nice about it, but I would have cussed at her. I think that's just me though. After the photo, she went to take the paper test to get her license changed over. Renee tried to help out, but the proctor caught her. He then proceeded to tell her that he had his eye on her. Even after the assist, Beckham passed and is now licensed in America. Where we go from here, I have no idea because it's on commercial.

Can I note during this break: I've lost 20 minutes of my life and I'm starting to want them back. She's really boring.

Renee's a fantastic assistant, btw. Uh oh, Posh has found out about Perez Hilton. She's paying Perez a visit at his office at the Coffee Bean. Ben, the hairdresser, came along. Perez tried to get her to eat a cookie, but she said that she can't break her image as a non-eating alien. Anyway, Victoria has displayed a sense of humor about herself. Additionally, Posh shoots down the convention that she is getting converted to Scientology. Posh and Perez worked out an agreement, and I really do want my time back now.

Renee and Posh are talking about what they will put in the fish tank. In the meantime, Posh gets a gift basket and is invited to a socialite's luncheon. Posh goes because she needs to make friends. She gets her battery of assistants together and they fix her up nice. And Posh and Co. go to Suzanne Hughes's house. This woman is a hot mess. Too much plastic surgery is a bad thing. Also, Posh has second thoughts once see experienced the tragedy that is the interior design of the Hughes house by Suzanne Hughes. She really needs to hire someone. Posh meets the rest of the socialites and likes them very much. But, she grows uncomfortable in talking about the money. Socialites talk about money; Posh has yet to understand this in America. Posh also uses the term major a lot. Posh also realizes that getting socialites into their nature territory of lushness always makes things more tolerable. Posh had fun and wishes to be a socialite when she gets to be older. This means being a lush with bad taste. Next: searching for the new home.

Can I just interject here for a moment? I would like to say that I, Ace of Oh Stewardess, have been conned out of the last 30 minutes of my life by Victoria Beckham and would like my time back. After seeing the awesomeness that could have came with watching the lushes of the Beverly Hills Socialite Club, I, the viewer, am being cheated by this special as I now know that I could have gotten way more entertainment from them than Ms. Beckham. But, I only have myself to blame as I decided to saddle up for this effort. I do have to say that I would have never watched this show if it was an actual television show. My mind would have rotted. My hopes of being a professional hater would have been greatly compromised.

Montage of LA starts the next segment. Posh lives for her family. Her son also has an Oedipal complex. When Posh isn't living for her family, Posh loves to shop as therapy. I'm glad that aimless consumerism can be a new form of therapy. But, I'm letting politics get in the way.

One week away from the arrival date of Becks, Posh still hasn't found a house yet. Renee, aware of the fact that LA has strange natural occurrences, hired an earthquake specialist. While she is trying to learn about the earthquake procedures, Posh is more concerned about whether or not we can see her knickers. Anyway, Posh is off to look at houses. Of course, all the houses are really nice. She wants a nice, child-friendly house. The first house has a cliff. I'm into it, but I also don't have kids nor get that drunk by ledges. My fear of heights would keep me from doing that.

Posh says something that I agree with about the second house: it looks like someone vomited everywhere. The house is hideously designed. The third house isn't really that impressive, but she loves it. She still hasn't made a decision, but she is working on it. In the next part, Posh tries to fool the paps and I'm supposed to care about Becks coming to America.

Yea, Victoria hasn't really impressed me so much. I still want my time back. But not as much as I want it back for having to watch those Yoplait ads with the pale girl at the beach. You know which ones I'm talking about. I can't stand that ad. Homegirl needs to hit up her backyard or roof or something if she can't go out in her yellow polka-dot bikini.

After the break, Posh notes that she wants to make everything comfortable for the family. She talks about being away from her family for a very long time. She's been gone from the family for about two weeks. I say man up. Posh, as a gift to her husband, wants to buy Becks a watch. But, she is always stopped by the paps being everywhere. She comes up with the no-so-genius idea of buying a blow-up doll, dressing it like her, and using it to fool the paps. While she might not think so, Posh does kind of look like the blow-up doll. Anyway, the plan actually did work to my amazement, and Posh bought the watch.

Renee, endlessly working assistant, gets Posh an opportunity to make the first pitch at the Dodgers game. Posh, being from England, doesn't know too much about baseball. So, Renee takes her to a little league diamond to learn how to throw a baseball. Posh thought the people were small. Only after standing amongst them, Posh realizes that they are, in fact, kids. You know, kids like she has. We'll have to wait and see how this one turns out after the commercial break.

I can't insert snippy commentary here because I'm getting a beer. Editorial timeout. Ahh, frozen beers from the back of the fridge. That thing is worthless.

Anyway, we are back to the life of Victoria Beckham. Posh asks the kids to tell her about baseball, an instantaneous no-no. The kids asked why she talked funny, why should was wearing heels, etc. Home girl has ZERO arm. ZERO. Anyway, Posh shows up at Dodger Stadium and runs into a slightly pervish Tommy Lasorda. Posh met her catcher and is terrified that she will run into the fact of making herself look like an ass. She does look like a stupid tart, but she did get the pitch to the home plate. Take that, mayor of Cincinnati.

As Posh reminisces about her time in the city, we get a pointless video montage of the past hour. Posh also went back to get Becks, so she could travel with him back to LA. She did miss him, but the show is now over. At the end, we're getting outtakes where Posh doesn't actually know the basis of Thanksgiving. That will come with time on the other hand. Anyway, we have now finished our trip with Victoria Beckham.

As a recap, I'm not sure that I would have expected something different. I already figured that rich people don't have very difficult lifestyles and they can pretty much do whatever they please. The only problems that they have are staving off depression and severe painkiller abuse (thanks Jacqueline Susann). This show didn't really change that idea. Actually, Posh just validated it. If I learned anything at all, I learned how much work a personal assistant actually does. So, in short: NBC, that show was fun and all, but can I get the last hour of my time back?

Why Studio 60 Failed

Today, The Los Angeles Times ran an article about Aaron Sorkin, television writing prodigy who is responsible for the political trendsetter The West Wing and underappreciated sports comedy Sports Night. In this article, Sorkin discusses with Patrick Goldstein why his much-hyped but greatly underwhelming Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip failed. While he does try to shoulder some of the blame, Sorkin falls into the traditional trap of blaming someone else for the failure of his show. In this case, Sorkin blamed the media. From the article:

Every failure in Hollywood gets blamed on something else, from movies that bomb (freak snowstorms back East) to anemic album sales (illegal file sharing by snotty college kids). But Sorkin sees a more insidious villain — a triviality-obsessed media no longer willing to separate gossip and idle speculation from reporting and criticism. "When all everyone does is try to draw personal connections between your characters and real people, you're not really watching a play or a TV show anymore," he says. "It becomes a tabloid experience."

While he might be technically right, this is a total copout. As someone who wanted to watch this show succeed as I grew to like The West Wing and love Sports Night, I can tell you why this show failed. Studio 60 failed because the show, along with failing to make its voice clear, made its characters far too preachy and didactic. If I wanted to watch someone lecture to me for an hour, I could watch C-SPAN and at least learn something that I didn't already know. As well, the show within a show was supposed to be comedy. All of the times that I saw it, the interior show nor the commentary between the characters was humorous in the slightest.

When you combine a didactic television show with non-humorous dialogue for a show about comedy, you end up with a show that is terrible. Sorkin should not attempt to blame anyone except for himself for the failure of Studio 60. Maybe Sorkin can take some time and learn from this flop. I don't want to lose his voice on television, but he will have to do much better than Studio 60.

Late Night Dining is Colorful...Always

I'm a fan of 24-hour eateries. While the quality tends to be marginal, if you are eating a meal at 3 in the morning under any state of duress, you aren't really inclined to care. Apparently, that didn't hold for this winner from Cartersville, GA:

Two Waffle House workers were forced to deal with an angry drunk man when he went in to eat a steak Sunday about 4 a.m.

According to the BCSO incident report, Matthew Todd Corley, 26, of Sunnyside entered the Waffle House at 10 Carson Loop, Cartersville, and demanded a steak.

The victims told deputies that Corley threatened to kill them if they did not cook him a steak. The female victim said he told her he would have the UFOs come for her.

According to the male victim, Corley beat on the tables with his hands before grabbing the telephone and calculator, also using them to beat on the tables. He also tried to jump over the counter during the nearly 30-minute ordeal.

Both victims provided written statements and, although they wanted him to go to jail, told deputies they did not want to press charges for the threats, which could have lead to charges of terroristic threats.

Corley said he had been drinking all day and was in a bad mood but did nothing wrong.

Corley was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.

While it is fucked up that this dude was threatening the hard-working women and men of the night shift, I'm not sure that this counts as anything more than being a drunk asshole, not a terrorist. Sounds like a pretty regular night on Cops in fact. Wait, are we charging drunk guys on Cops for being terrorists? Uh oh.

Yes, I've Watched BET Before

For all my white readers, television hates Black people. With that said, there are two channels that hope to rectify this. One is TV One. Jealous of the fact that no one was paying attention to her, succubus Kathy Hughes decided to start her own self-aggrandizing television channel that involves of all things a bid whist tournament with old Black actors eating ribs, collard greens, and black-eyed peas and reruns of such television gems as Hangin' With Mr. Cooper and Fastlane! The only person that was Black on Fastlane was Bill Bellamy, former token Black guy on MTV. Clearly this channel is worthless. But, it's an upstart, so no one really cares anyway.

The grandaddy of Black television is Black Entertainment Television. Founded by Robert Johnson and run out of a, get this, Black building in Northeast Washington, DC, BET was renowned for playing tons of rap and r&b videos. I mean hey, it's what Black people did: sat at home, unemployed, drinking 40s while watching Black guys grab their nuts while throwing money in the air and Black women shake their asses while scantily clad. Oh, and this usually happened in a strip club too, as if all of that weren't enough. It needed just that piece de resistance. In addition, when it wasn't degrading Black people through music videos, BET was displaying us all as mindless followers of money-grubbing Black televangelists. I guess they thought it was OK to rob poor people of their money because they're Black.

As you can probably tell, BET has not been the most accurate representation of Black America. But, they are trying to change the tide. The New York Times is reporting on BET's new slate of original programming, which will attempt to make BET a legitimate channel instead of the fraud that it is now. But, it's not really helping its own cause by introducing the Black Laguna Beach. You think I'm joking:

The show, “Baldwin Hills,” follows the lives of a group of mostly hip, affluent black teenagers, most of whom live in the neighborhood here that gives the show its name.

Tell me that doesn't sound like Laguna Beach. I'm sure that it will be just as vapid as it will cover buppies instead of yuppies. But, more important, Buppies don't care about being Black, and usually hate on Black America because it hasn't helped them to be white enough.

In addition to what I'm sure this tragedy will be, BET will also add a show that follows ministers called Exalted! as well as a bevy of animated programs because you know there aren't enough Black actors to develop a live action show. Paul Mooney, better known to White America as that angry Black guy who wasn't Dave Chappelle on Chapelle's Show or Blackstadamus, will now have his own judge show. As if there weren't already enough Black judges on the air now with Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, Divorce Court, & Judge Hatchett.

While most of the new programming sounds absolutely terrible, this block of programming might be pretty interesting if not completely repetitive:

On July 25 is “S.O.B. (Socially Offensive Behavior),” with the comedian D. L. Hughley as host. It is a cocktail of sociology and comedy that uses hidden cameras to capture people’s reactions to strange, politically incorrect situations. For example patrons in a restaurant are told that seating is by race.

Following “S.O.B.” on July 25 is “Hot Ghetto Mess,” which uses commentary, video clips and man-on-the-street interviews to examine black popular culture. The show was inspired by the much-debated Web site of the same name, which showcases and comments on what it deems to be outrageous black behavior.

The first show is pretty much an exact copy of Candid Camera, Punk'd, Girls Behaving Badly, those episodes of 20/20 when they take video of what people will do in strange moral situations, the episodes of Dateline when parents are told that their kids have been poached by a child molester behind their back, etc. My point is this show's not new. Also, before I comment on the second show, I need to note that this website needs a facelift. If they are trying to uplift Black America, they need to uplift their site, making us look bad and shit.

Now to comment on this show, I'm not sure if I should say this, but this is a didactic, and most likely pedantic, version of The Soup or Best Week Ever. As well, I'm not sure that it is the most useful thing on the face of the planet to tell Black people that their culture and fashion is unacceptable. This show reeks of attempts to discredit the uniqueness of Black culture. I'm not saying there is anything acceptable about wearing a ton of bling and/or having their boobs and butt all hanging out in public. But, I'm sure that Black people aren't trying to be sanitized either.

In the end, this show, with all the others, are a declaration that BET is trying to change its way. Is this a good thing? No, not really.

These shows are a blatant attempt to integrate BET into the other Viacom cable channels: Spike, MTV, Video Hits One. These shows are all pretty much shows that come on other channels, but refocused on Black people. Just because they are focused on Black people doesn't really get at the actual problems of BET.

For one, I honestly feel like all of this programming is made for buppies. These shows address realities that Black people living on the bricks already know. As well, this programming is of no interest to the overwhelming mass of the community either. I know it doesn't interest me, and I'm all about seeing Black people on television. Additionally, Hot Ghetto Mess, along with having an offensive name, will be a trivialization and a new form of shaming Black people for their culture. Probably under Viacom's leadership, this show will lead to thousands of Black people developing a shame and abandoning their community because they don't want to be affiliated with these images. BET, of all people, should recognize this reality.

In addition to pimping out Black America for cash and creating shame within the community, BET still lacks Black news coverage. Back in the 90s, BET had a news department. It was actually good. It talked to Black leaders and addressed issues that were of concern to Black America. The News Department also covered issues in Black America that did not get much press in the mainstream press. It really was must watch television. Additionally, it came on every weeknight like The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. A few years ago, BET decided that it wasn't important anymore and cut it. They say that they still have a commitment to public affairs. They should show it instead of talking about it by bringing the news program back.

While time will tell if these shows will actually work out, but I'll be surprised if most of them do. But, more than anything, I think that this programming is only representative of how BET has abandoned Black America although it still claims to be a Black channel.

Correction: Paul Mooney's character on Chappelle's Show was Negrodamus, not Blackstadamus. I must have gotten confused by the presence of Nastradamus.

Television: A Personal Appeal

The United States Congress has had a great interest in protecting the youth of America from the brutality of modern television programming, with its simulated violence and sex. Yesterday, the Senate Commerce Committee investigated the effect of media violence on children. My senator Jay Rockefeller feels that it is necessary for the government to step in and defend children. His rationale is reported as such:

Big Media companies are putting more emphasis on profits than the well-being of kids, he said, while hiding behind ineffective Band-Aids of voluntary action. Rockefeller said he expected broadcasters to argue for parental responsibility and content-control tools, which they did, but said that has not worked and the government was going to need to step in. He didn't seem to have a lot of takers on the committee.

Rockefeller also called the $300 million TV Boss ratings/V-chip education campaign that had been spearheaded by the late Jack Valenti "farcical" and a joke.

Rockefeller called the industry "cowardly" for putting the onus on parents to control their kids TV viewing, saying it was not always possible. Then, saying he wasn't sure if his colleagues knew how violent TV had become, aired a video montage--put together by the Parents Television Council--to demonstrate.

It was that video, which included a now-famous forced oral sex scene from FX's The Shield, that prompted the legislators to register their general disgust. The video was cut short after Rockefeller and company appeared to have had their fill.

I have to say, as someone who has grown up during this oh-so-violent time on television, that my senator is completely wrong on this issue. Firstly, as the rest of the article notes, no one actually agrees with Rockefeller. Democratic colleagues like Frank Lautenberg have no interest in censoring television. Like the Republicans, everyone knows that this reeks of Big Brother. Regulating television is a complete overstepping of governmental boundaries. The government does not have the right to tell me what is appropriate and what is not.

Now, with that said, forced oral sex on television is a bit over the top. But, as with all of FX's night programming, it is all lead off with very explicit warnings telling the viewer what the show contains and to display discretion. Discretion is the key word here. Good parents make the effort to watch television with their kids by not putting a television in their room and placing the television in a centralized spot. Such incidents are not unusual. In fact, they are quite the norm. If this is not possible, parents take care to look at what their kids are watching. If you don't want your kids to watch the show, you will turn the channel or explain to them that they can watch it when they get older. But, this is a game-time decision. Some kids are able to handle the violence. Others cannot.

From a personal standpoint and as someone who watched a lot of ridiculously adult programming at an inappropriate age (I saw License to Kill when I was eight, and I watched Oz in its original airing), the connection between violence and television is very much overblown. It is not real. It is a fantasy, a non-realistic presentation of day to day life. Shows that are reality programs that aren't game shows or news-based programs are just as fake. The fact that people who watch television and can't tell the difference should be greatly concerned. I was always able to tell the difference. I didn't think that I should do what I saw because it was illegal and pretty dumb. Also, I wasn't really trying to shank a bitch. My state aside, I don't think that the free speech allowed to broadcasters should be restricted. The Shield, when not forcing oral sex, is a very interesting program that should not be silenced because some stiff old guy has a problem with it. What will be silenced next? Will they start regulating authors? Will hip-hop no longer be allowed on the radio? Will they stop Barry White? I hope that you can see what I'm getting at here...

The fact that people are doing what they see on television aside from trying to construct something from The New Yankee Workshop or cook something from Barefoot Contessa is what the real problem is. Those people need to be studied to understand why they think it is a good idea to go and set things on fire or push their friends in shopping carts into curbs so the person falls out. If these kids are so desperate to do something, they really should try to build something from The New Yankee Workshop. Have you seen that show? There's so much work involved. Those restless kids will be busy for days!

The Quest for Blue Velvet

While this summer has seen the return of old shows such as So You Think You Can Dance, American Inventor, Big Love, and Pirate Master (They test all the reality programming now. What can I say?), this summer has also seen a new disturbing trend in programming: the attempts to out-David Lynch David Lynch.

If you are unfamiliar, David Lynch is a filmmaker who is best known for his 1986 cult film Blue Velvet and his infamous ABC television show Twin Peaks, which revolved around FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper's attempts to solve the mystery of who killed town prom queen Laura Palmer. Lynch is known for being decidedly obtuse, abandoning traditional ideas of plot and narrative, and moving his stories at a dreamlike pace. For some, these characteristics are what make Lynch compelling. For others, these aspects make watching Lynch unenjoyable. Regardless of personal opinions, Lynch has changed the perspective that many viewers have taken towards film and television, allowing for more surreality and abstraction in plot.

Lynch's distinct perspective towards storytelling and narrative are being challenged by two new shows that have premiered on television in the last two weeks: John from Cincinnati and Meadowlands.

John from Cincinnati is a new show created by John Nunn and David Milch, a creator of the crime drama NYPD Blue and the controversial western Deadwood. The plot revolves around the Yost family. Father Mitch was a successful surfer until he suffered a knee injury that forced him to retire from professional competition 20 years earlier. Mitch and his wife Cissy had a boy named Butchie who was a phenomenal surfer, but, due to the actions of his manager, he became a heroin junkie who fell out with his family. In family tradition, Butchie had a son named Shaun who is 13 and a fantastic surfer, but the family is in conflict about what to do about his life. Mitch does not want Shawn to fall victim to sharks like Butchie, but Butchie wants Shawn to pursue what makes him happy.

The family is thrown into chaos with the arrival of a mysterious man. This man has no origins, no background. He also has very little verbal ability; he repeats what everyone around him says as well as the same five phrases over and over again. There is a clear switch of reality around the family. This man is magical, but no one is sure how or what his purpose is here. While the show has only been on for two weeks, the question that the show is trying to answer is very clear: Who is John Monad? The best that they know is that he is from Cincinnati, but that is uncertain given his tendency to repeat what people around him say when not repeating his stock phrases like "the end is near".

If this all seems eerily familiar to you, it should. This show pretty much has the same flow and plot as Twin Peaks. Instead of a bleak logging town, John from Cincinnati is takes place in the California border town of Imperial Beach. While the location is different, the plot is the same: a stranger comes into the community, people are uncertain about whether to trust him, and there is a central question that has to be answered. Additionally, the show is just as intentionally weird as Twin Peaks with bizarre neighbors and supernatural occurrences. For example, from time to time, Mitch just floats into the air above the ground for no reason. It will probably be explained in time, but we don't know for now, just like in Twin Peaks. To the show's positive, it is very engaging to watch if not slow from time to time.

The other show battling for the crown for Lynchian absurdity is Meadowlands, a group project between a British production firm and Showtime. This show revolves around the Brogan family made up of Patriarch Danny, Matriarch Evelyn, and twins Zoe and Mark. The Brogans move into a new community called Meadowlands where everything seems ideal. All of the neighbors are happy and friendly, the neighborhood is clean. But, as signaled by some initial flashbacks, the Brogans are hiding something about their own life. The only thing that can be certain is that something that happened in a fire that led to a death. What this something is has not been elucidated.

In addition to the mysterious circumstances of their existence, it also made clear that the Brogans are not the Brogans. The Brogans are, in fact, a different family, one with a very different and sordid past. Additionally, the people who live in the neighborhood are very much not like they seem. There is an inspector in the town who maintains the peace. When Danny told him that he wanted the town handyman to stay away from his daughter, the inspector proceeded to trip the player in a pick up game and kick him with full force in his eye. Danny asks the inspector why he did this; he said to protect the purity of his daughter, just as Danny had wished.

Amongst other strange things, the son Mark, who hasn't spoken for four months, is obsessed with the woman who lives across from him. Mark corners her one day wearing a pair of red gloves, which she says are pretty. Mark then sends her the gloves in an envelope that night and watches from his window as she puts them on and masturbates, baring herself to this mysterious stranger who has decided to take an interest in her. Mark also takes a shining to the woman's daughter Jezebel who has returned from a strange place called Purgatory.

This show reeked of the aspects that made Blue Velvet such a haunting, engaging movie with its placid, suburban ideal infused by an insidious undercurrent of evil and violence. Additionally, the presence of the inspector and the fact that no one leaves the neighborhood is very reminiscent of another challenging British drama: The Prisoner. While no secrets are trying to be discovered, the inspector is the roaming bubble that captured dissenters. Additionally, the fact that people cannot escape Meadowlands is very reminiscent of The Village. For example, when the Brogans arrived, their neighbor already knew their name, a disturbing fact as they had not been on the grounds for more than a minute.

While John from Cincinnati has been on for two weeks, Meadowlands has only been on for one. Both of these shows will be exactly like a Lynch movie. There is no clear idea where either show will go and there are no hints as to anything that will happen, even between episodes.
It will be captivating to see where each show goes from where they are now.

John from Cincinnati airs on Sundays at 9 PM on HBO. Meadowlands airs at 10 PM on Showtime.

The First Reality Show

With the glut of reality programming that comes on television now, it is nice to recall the more pleasant times when Fox showed programming like When Animals Attack and When Good Times Go Bad along with Melrose Place (Heather Locklear, you evil bitch) and Party of Five. In those days, Fox was on the forefront of creating the phenomenon of that floods our television now and has a channel dedicated to it, and no I'm not talking about MTV.

Fox went out above everyone with the brilliance that is Cops. It is the simplest of all concepts of all time: put camera crew with police cops, ride with police cops on calls, videotape all happenings. The sheer simplicity of this show is why it succeeded. We were put in shotgun to experience what it is like to be a cop, to chase down a crackhead that's hopping fences, or going to a domestic dispute. We have no better idea of what is going on than the cops; it's a radical and very fun idea. It reminds me of cinema verité in its lack of a clear plot or connectedness other than the fact that the people involved are cops.

This program started back in the 1980's and has, according to Wikipedia, shown over 650 episodes. Clearly, Cops has done something right. What it has done is make one of the first but the best reality show of all time. The informational tips aside, Cops still has its own character and doesn't feel like it has been sold out. I understand that Cops can't drop a product in here, but I mean that the situations and "players" are far more real than in other reality shows. The scriptedness of a lot of other shows is far too great for me and gets me into fairly complex structuralist arguments with myself about the (non) reality of reality and questions of authorship and detachment (read: things I deal with in art history). It is nice to watch a show where genuine emotions and reactions are present and shown in the forefront. It reminds me of the halcyon days of The Real World in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco when the roommates were starkly different and true tensions would boil up in the house. In two of those seasons, people left the house (David and Puck, if my memory serves me correctly). The shit was straight up raw funk. And the camera crew did not invade or intrude. They were neutral observers who were just following along.

Cops still lives by this simple mantra. As much as I love Project Runway, I can't watch it all of the time. There's all this built-in drama, an overanxious editor, and a lot of pomp and circumstance. I don't have to worry about that with Cops, as it is always consistent and simple. I can always turn the show on and not have to figure out what is going on or what they are supposed to be doing. Cops every week is three vignettes on the seedier side of America done documentary style, and that simplicity of concept is why it is the boss of the reality show.

Well, Well, Well

Turns up the Big Donor Show was a big fake.

Maybe Jerry Falwell Was Crazy Like A Fox

Jerry Falwell died recently. In America, he was known for two things: being a bedrock of the conservative evangelical movement and calling everything gay. He is most infamously known for calling Tinky Winky of the mentally harmless Teletubbies (if you know a kid that has learned something for it, please let me know) gay. Well, Tinky Winky and Spongebob Squarepants, a slightly more legitimate if not equally stupid accusation.

While America gets a lot of grief around the world for not being the sharpest tools in the shed, we were smart enough to know that children's characters weren't pushing homosexual agendas. Apparently, Poland isn't quite this smart. They are investigating whether or not the presence of Tinky Winky on Teletubbies is pushing a homosexual agenda. Yes, yes, don't worry. All of the insanity will be sorted out by the government-hired psychologists. I'm sure they will be happy to take time away from their busy days of stopping people from killing themselves to study tape of asexual children's characters who are amazed by asinine objects and a creepy child's face that replaces the sun from time to time.

I'm not sure what to think about this

In the Low Country (that's the Netherlands, Holland), the creator of the months-long tragedy that is Big Brother have decided to push the border even further by creating the most bizarre first prize ever for a television show: a kidney transplant.

That's right, three patients in dire need of a new kidney will go on television, argue their case, and try to win the sympathies of a terminally ill woman to get her kidneys. This is something you would read about in a dystopian novel or from the pages of a overly cynical leftist magazine, but this is going to happen. This is real.

Terrible ethical questions aside, how do you convince someone to give you their kidney. This isn't like going out on a date with someone where all you have to do is ask. Do you have to give a rundown of your best qualities, as if this were an interview? Do they go out on gondolas and talk about Dickens? I am horribly offended by the concept of this show (but, I'm not offended by Flavor of Love. Go figure.), but I want to watch just to find out how the eventual donor will be selected. And maybe it will help people start with organ donation. I just hope they don't think that their liver will end up in Lindsay Lohan or David Crosby.

Ruining it for Everyone Else

The ongoing joke of an article this week is that a family in Chicago is suing the Chicago Public Schools for the psychological distress caused to a twelve-year old after seeing the homosexuality-laden Ang Lee-directed drama Brokeback Mountain. The family suing in this case is also one that complained to the school about the literature containing curse words.

Actually, I'm not going to pile on a lot here actually. I'll give them the beef with Brokeback. Seeing as these are middle schoolers and not say juniors or seniors in high school, I'll side with the family in saying that showing it is slightly inappropriate. 500K inappropriate? No fucking chance. It's maybe an ice cream cone and an after school special chat about homosexuality inappropriate. This doesn't need to go to court at all.

But, I won't stand for this family dictating what I read, which is what they essentially did by complaining about curse words in texts. The most important works of literature are offensive to some group of people. For example, I love Huck Finn, but it burned me up inside to read Twain to throw around the word nigger so flippantly. Huck eventually learned his lesson, but that's not the point. The point is that good literature will, indubitably, offend someone.

This family's quickness to pull the lawsuit and go litigious is hurting all of us. This lawsuit stifles creativity, experimenting, and the liberties given to teachers to do the best job that they can do. If she is so distraught about watching Brokeback Mountain, why doesn't this family sue the makers of Will and Grace? That show's about gay people and it's unwatchable.

Now, they only need to bring back Friday Night Lights

Good news for me, I'll have more episodes of Law and Order to watch on TNT during the day! NBC and Dick Wolf hammered it out and it will have an 18th season. Let's see if they move it from its Friday night slot and put it on at a time when someone can watch it.