Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Profiles in Modern Eloquence: Tommy Lee

Throughout our hypersaturated, hyperstimulated existence in the Internet age, every asshole with a computer and an opinion has been able to express themselves online. Some of these opinions are very important and quite good.

All of the bloggers that read this site are fine bloggers. The bloggers that I read on my own time are also fine bloggers as well. But, we're also normal people. We don't got to flashy public events or casually throw on 300 dollar jeans to grab a cup of coffee. Well, Arianna Huffington might, but she's way loaded and doesn't count.

Anyway, with the rise of Myspace and more general blogging, celebrities who constantly crave the spotlight have been given the ability to blather on about the minutiae in their life. This can be boring. Actually, most of the time it is. But, there are rare gems that appear from time to time. And, these gems will be celebrated in a series that I will refer to as Profiles in Modern Eloquence. Much like JFK's Profiles in Courage, I will honor celebrities and other non-blogger bloggers (that means cats like Digby, Atrios, anyone from Daily Kos, Michael K from D-Listed, Perez Hilton, etc. will not be in this series because they are well-respected, legitimate bloggers who are best known for being bloggers. I'm focusing on people who are known for other stuff than thinking and photoshop semen) who display exceptional abilities in conveying an interesting tale or message through the written word.

The first person to be inducted to this elite group will be Tommy Lee. Aside from being known as the drummer for hair metal juggernauts Mötley Crüe, Lee is well known as being a ex-husband of gigantically breasted Baywatch star Pamela Anderson. Lee is also well known for making a sex tape with Anderson, which showed the world that the man is hung like a horse. Damn, that man's penis is huge. I'm getting away from my point.

Lee displayed his eloquence following his tussle with Kid Rock at the MTV VMA's. Lee wanted to show what his side was, and this is what we got:

Yeah!! .....here I am minding my own biz having a great time with my friend Criss Angel (magician) and watching the MTV awards in the front row saying hello to all my friends......Pamela comes and sits on my lap who I love and adore....and also say hello to my friend Travis Barker and his wife!.....and i get a text from another friend P. Diddy and he says come sit with me.....and he's sitting with Miss HOT Megan FOX so I go over and sit with P! Not a minute later and Alicia Keys starts her amazing performance....("I apologize sweetie.....I had nothing to do with the timing and disrespect")......back to the stupid-ness!!....so..... I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid Pebble...I stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say "Hey dude...What up"?? He punches me in the face.....well if ya wanna call it that!?....more like a bitch slap!.......Wuss!! Anyway....i go to knock this jealous country bumpkin the f$%k OUT....and before I can have a meeting with my fist and his ugly ass mug ....security guards... grab me and haul my ass outta the award show! So I'm fine and of course leave to my room with police and owner of the Palm's George Maloof......the rest is paper work and bullshit!... Anyway...... I would like to apologize to Alicia and George and MTV for the disrespectful bullshit caused by a piece of shit called Kid Pebble!!
Kid Pebble! Apologies to Alicia Keys! Shoutouts to Criss Angel AND Megan Fox AND Travis Barker! And, how can I forget about all of the ellipses. This is one of the best pieces of celebrity writing that I've read in years. I have never been so moved by sincere apology and aimless namedropping. Lee was definitely the most fitting choice for the first Profile in Modern Eloquence.