Celebrities and the People Who Love Them?

So, if you are not up-to-date on the ins and outs of Hollywood, let me sweep you up to date with one classy phrase that a pimp somewhere developed years upon years ago: bitch is crazy. Which bitch you may ask? Glad you did. There are three, to be specific. Let's start with everyone's favorite child-bearing pop singer who married her backup dancer and his super sperm: Britney Spears.

Spears has been a straight mess. According to OK!, Spears had a breakdown at their interview. She looked like a hot mess, spread chicken grease on a Gucci dress, and cleaned up dog poop with a Chanel dress. I'm sure he'd probably kick an ass or two because that's what Karl Lagerfeld would do. Anyway, this is just more wood to the continual mess that has been the life of Britney Spears for the last year. Between the vag photos, the highly public divorce, PoPoZao, Playing With Fire, child custody battles, and coming out in public looking like a street walker, I don't know how Britney hasn't broken down yet either. This girl is a hot mess who either has a mental problem or is beyond saving. I'd like to think the former because that one is fixable. Seriously, I'm sick of seeing this chick make an ass out of herself and filling our gossip rags with useless, uninteresting information about her life. It's not funny anymore. It's really sad.

Any woman that I feel the same way about is Jessica Alba. First, this girl is a straight hater. She comes out in public and just makes hater comments. Unfortunately, she sounds vindictive and angry instead of kind of interesting. No man in the industrialized world, apparently, cares because she's supposed to be one of the hottest women on the face of the planet. I'm in disagreement because she doesn't really do anything for me physically; she's also kind of uninteresting to read about and that's an immediate turnoff to me (I do have to read the gossip about these people). Anyway, she broke up with her two-and-a-half year boyfriend in the most classless way possible: via Phone Call...from another continent. On top of this, she sent an assistant to his house to take his stuff out, thereby eliminating all need to see him again. I mean, except for the fact that she will because everyone in Hollywood sees each other again. Now, that's not G. That's not hood. That's straight punk. Bammas do shit like this. Alba is dead to me. She should act like a real human and at least do it face to face, even if it turns out terribly.

Someone that I wouldn't want to see right now is the misguided train wreck of a starlet Lindsay Lohan. Honestly, I think that she could be a good actress if she weren't always getting in ridiculous predicaments and affiliating herself with the wrong people. As you know from this very blog (Information Blast from the previous day to be exact), Lohan was busted for drugs and DUI. So, this arrest with all of her previous incidents means that Lohan the actress may be dead because no one will take the chance to actually hire here. The term that I read elsewhere was that Lohan was "uninsurable." When you are uninsurable anywhere, you have pretty much signed a death ticket, both literally and figuratively. I can only hope that Lohan pulls through this as she is a very good actress who does do well when given the right opportunity. I think her first step should be finding a new mom. I think a Dame should volunteer to take La Lohan under her wing, teach her how to be a better actress, and show her the right way in life. I think Helen Mirren should volunteer for this because I sense that she would have a sense of humor about it while also not being willing to take a lot of shit from Lindsay.

And, with the suggestion that Dame Helen take upon Lindsay Lohan, I depart from the left coast and go back to the mountain lifestyle. I'm going to dash out my window and kill a bear with my BARE HANDS!

Celebrity Intellectualism

There has been an ongoing trend amongst the Hollywood Glitterati to start reading. While I applaud them in their efforts to actually be something other than coke-addled party machines, I have to ask them fundamental questions about the nature of their reading.

I'll deal with the one I actually don't want to talk about first. This one is Heidi Montag. If you are asking who she is, I was with you until TMZ started covering her incessantly, as she got new boobs and wanted everyone to pretend like they gave a shit. She was photographed in LAX with a copy of The Art of War, the classic military treatise by Sun Tzu. Seeing as she is a Hollywood celebrity who is most likely not going to be leading a rebellion or fighting the advances of an imperalist force, I fail to see what the usefulness of her reading this book actually is. She's not a political science major. She is not planning to fight a series of battles with her militia. If she needs tips on how to be a better businesswoman, she should read How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book for this very purpose. Plus, look at the photo in the link. Who holds a book like that?! If I held a book like that, it would fall out of my hand. This chick is clearly trying to say that she is more substance than The Hills would let on. If this is the case, she should talk like it instead of posing. I can't say anymore than this because that would then assume that I would care about this girl, and I really don't.

While Heidi is posing with her book, Lindsay Lohan is namechecking the bible of realpolitik: Machiavelli's The Prince. Lohan claims this book has influenced her immensely in her own life post-rehab. If you are unaware, The Prince's primary objective is to use all means available to you to keep power and dominate your competition. This does include the abandonment of all moral, ethical, and ideological considerations. The concept of realpolitik, as this idea has come to be known in modern times, is not the best one for a recovering alcoholic and cokehead to adopt, especially in the post-rehab stage. Even if it is a satire, I'm not sure that La Lohan's smart enough to pick up on these undercurrents.

If you are wondering what my overall point is, I'm happy to tell you. My point is that these celebutantes, if you want to use the word for Montag, are doing a really bad job of being literate. They are reading overly technical books on subjects that aren't particularly relevant to their situations in life. Additionally, the two celebutantes are read the wrong books for their possibly intended goals of ruling the world. All they need to do is read The Greatness Guide and Montag and Lohan could then rule the world.