Celebrities and the People Who Love Them?

So, if you are not up-to-date on the ins and outs of Hollywood, let me sweep you up to date with one classy phrase that a pimp somewhere developed years upon years ago: bitch is crazy. Which bitch you may ask? Glad you did. There are three, to be specific. Let's start with everyone's favorite child-bearing pop singer who married her backup dancer and his super sperm: Britney Spears.

Spears has been a straight mess. According to OK!, Spears had a breakdown at their interview. She looked like a hot mess, spread chicken grease on a Gucci dress, and cleaned up dog poop with a Chanel dress. I'm sure he'd probably kick an ass or two because that's what Karl Lagerfeld would do. Anyway, this is just more wood to the continual mess that has been the life of Britney Spears for the last year. Between the vag photos, the highly public divorce, PoPoZao, Playing With Fire, child custody battles, and coming out in public looking like a street walker, I don't know how Britney hasn't broken down yet either. This girl is a hot mess who either has a mental problem or is beyond saving. I'd like to think the former because that one is fixable. Seriously, I'm sick of seeing this chick make an ass out of herself and filling our gossip rags with useless, uninteresting information about her life. It's not funny anymore. It's really sad.

Any woman that I feel the same way about is Jessica Alba. First, this girl is a straight hater. She comes out in public and just makes hater comments. Unfortunately, she sounds vindictive and angry instead of kind of interesting. No man in the industrialized world, apparently, cares because she's supposed to be one of the hottest women on the face of the planet. I'm in disagreement because she doesn't really do anything for me physically; she's also kind of uninteresting to read about and that's an immediate turnoff to me (I do have to read the gossip about these people). Anyway, she broke up with her two-and-a-half year boyfriend in the most classless way possible: via Phone Call...from another continent. On top of this, she sent an assistant to his house to take his stuff out, thereby eliminating all need to see him again. I mean, except for the fact that she will because everyone in Hollywood sees each other again. Now, that's not G. That's not hood. That's straight punk. Bammas do shit like this. Alba is dead to me. She should act like a real human and at least do it face to face, even if it turns out terribly.

Someone that I wouldn't want to see right now is the misguided train wreck of a starlet Lindsay Lohan. Honestly, I think that she could be a good actress if she weren't always getting in ridiculous predicaments and affiliating herself with the wrong people. As you know from this very blog (Information Blast from the previous day to be exact), Lohan was busted for drugs and DUI. So, this arrest with all of her previous incidents means that Lohan the actress may be dead because no one will take the chance to actually hire here. The term that I read elsewhere was that Lohan was "uninsurable." When you are uninsurable anywhere, you have pretty much signed a death ticket, both literally and figuratively. I can only hope that Lohan pulls through this as she is a very good actress who does do well when given the right opportunity. I think her first step should be finding a new mom. I think a Dame should volunteer to take La Lohan under her wing, teach her how to be a better actress, and show her the right way in life. I think Helen Mirren should volunteer for this because I sense that she would have a sense of humor about it while also not being willing to take a lot of shit from Lindsay.

And, with the suggestion that Dame Helen take upon Lindsay Lohan, I depart from the left coast and go back to the mountain lifestyle. I'm going to dash out my window and kill a bear with my BARE HANDS!

Newsflash: Actresses Aim to be Successful

In some news from the past weekend or thereabouts, an interview surfaced with Jessica Biel aka the one on the left. As you well know, Biel is a featured component (and, yes, that is a double entendre) in the new movie that is raising the ire of gay America while having the support of GLAAD I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. As anyone with a set of eyes can note, Biel has quite a frame. Unfortunately, this gives her the impression that she has been pigeonholed in her roles. Biel, like pretty much every actress on the face of the planet, wants to diversify and show herself as a true talent. She said that she would be willing to become ugly or fat for a role like Charlize Theron did in Monster and Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones.

I'm just going go ahead here and make the obvious comment to be made here: Theron and Zellweger are amazing actresses. Theron's breakout party was Monster, but she had already established herself as an actress to watch. Renee Zellweger is an acting superstar, doing a lot of well-received movies. And, the last time I checked on both of these two, both Theron and Zellweger are not hard on the eyes. So, with all the in-between cut out, we are left with why Biel's struggling to get off the B-List while Theron and Zellweger can make terrible movies and still get big money: talent. Theron and Zellweger have it; Biel: not so much.

If she's still bitter about not getting Thora Birch's role in American Beauty, Biel should do what everyone does when they don't get what they want: go back to the lab and work it out. And, I don't mean work out. I mean work it out. If she needs someone to follow, look at Diana Rigg, Jane Fonda, and/or Helen Mirren. Since Rigg and Mirren are British, they should be referred to as Dames Rigg and Mirren, which they actually are. But, I'm getting away from my point. Both Rigg and Mirren are Shakespearean-trained actors who ooze talent on screen. Jane Fonda is one of the best regarded actresses of the 20th Century. All three of these women are known for being fantastic actors. They are also known for being extremely sexy during their youths (they are all still beautiful now, but I'm not going to put up a Jane Fonda now poster on my wall. Although, she's always welcome to coffee and feminism at my house because I would like to talk politics with her).

Rigg used to wear that oh-so-hot catsuit as Emma Peel on The Avengers. While her character was sexy, she was also clever, talented and considerably smarter than Steed. Rigg actually made The Avengers must watch television, something that Macnee (Steed) could not do on his own. Mirren is best known for appearing naked on film a lot in the earlier part of her career. Regardless of her nudity, she is stood out in those films and has shown that talent is true as she is more well-regarded now than when she was young. Jane Fonda will live on as a sex symbol due to the sci-fi romp that is Barbarella. But, she followed that vapid role with a tragic turn as an down-on-her-luck actress in They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, a turn that netted Fonda a nod from the Academy.

As you can see, three women who are all in the same boat as Biel. They were all known for being hot. But, each actress actually showed brilliance of form in movies where they were nothing more than sex symbols and more solidly in movies where their sexuality was not as important. And all of these actresses had their breakthroughs at around Biel's age.

So, while she is complaining about not being successful or being given the opportunities to succeed, maybe she should recognize that sexuality doesn't make an actress; sexuality makes magazine fodder. Talent makes an actress. Even the most sexualized of actresses Marilyn Monroe was actually a pretty talented actress. So, sex appeal really does not stand in the way of getting good roles. All of this, essentially, means that Biel needs to become a better actor instead of taking her complaints to the media. She's starting to sound like Anne Hathaway with all of the "look at me" quotes flying around her.

He's Old, But What's Her Excuse?

Radar:

Despite a prominently displayed pile of cash, video screens advertising the charity, and an impassioned plea made by Nemcova herself (which the couple missed), Douglas (via his rep) tells Radar that he and his wife were not aware that the gathering was a fundraiser.

This was a CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT! When have you known anyone to just organize a golf tournament or anything else that involves huge screens and wads of cash just for fun? For shits and giggles? This is ridiculous. Even if you didn't know, it's not like they're exactly hard up for money. Catherine Zeta- Jones still has that t-Mobile money unless she has blew it all aware. Sorry for the pun there. Michael Douglas doesn't have a claim either. I saw his ass in Wall Street on three different channels in the last week. He's not hurting for cash either. Catherine & Michael: You're on notice. You better hope your next movies are amazing.

A Stand for Beth and Keira

I don't normally come to the defense of people in showbusiness, but I will here for Keira Knightley, the waifish and oft-criticized star of the Pirates of the Caribbean films. In an article in Metro, Knightley said about Lesbian garage goddess Beth Ditto of the Gossip:

'When she was performing she started taking all her clothes off. I stood there watching her strip, thinking, 'Oh my God, that woman is so sexy. She has the most amazing body.' She added she wishes she 'had a body like [Italian actress] Monica Bellucci, which is just so womanly, female and curvy'.

Everyone went batshit because she volunteered that she may want to be a bit on the heavy side, but I think that everyone is missing the point of her comment, which is put into further context by the comment about Monica Bellucci. Bellucci is a shapely, fully figured woman. She's not as big as Beth Ditto sure, but Bellucci and Ditto share comfort in their bodies, something that I don't think that Knightley has, especially as a very thin woman who is constantly criticized for causing the death of a youth. She just wants to be a larger, fuller bodied, more confident woman like Ditto and Bellucci. I hope that no one thinks that anything is wrong with her because of it, especially wanting to look like Bellucci. Yowza!

Additionally, while I'm not really that into larger ladies like Beth Ditto, she's hot in a very bizarre way. She oozes sexuality from every pore. Seeing her strip at a concert with all of the heaving flesh, there's something very erotic about it. Like Keira, I have to agree that she is sexy. So sexy: that's a bit of a reach.

Another hat tip goes out to Keira Knightley for actually wanting to slow down and live a normal life for a while. Lindsay Lohan could learn a lesson from Knightley, who has rejected partying and the hard-charging lifestyle preferred by the Young Hollywood jetset.

Lastly, Keira Knightley has warmed herself to me in a way that only she could:

The star also admitted that, unlike some celebrities who don't like to be seen wearing the same thing twice, she sometimes wears the same clothes for 'three or four days straight'.

'If I find something I feel comfortable in, I'll just stick with it,' she said.

I think that I'm one of the few people in the world impressed by someone saying they walk around in the same clothes for days at a time. I think I only am because I do it all of the time. Yea, I said it and I'm not ashamed.

Prince in Paris.

Read the article. Honestly, did Prince ask that much of her? Honestly, this could have been less trying for the audience than having to listen to Stars are Blind with that shitty, shitty reggae upbeat.

Free Katie Holmes

Everyday, I read a crazier story about her life. Today, Celebitchy posted on a request that Tom made towards Katie:

Katie Holmes has hardly left Tom Cruise’s side since they began dating in April 2005.

However, that support has caused her grief. According to one Hollywood insider, the actress, who gave birth to daughter Suri last year, has been told by her husband to attend “mommy classes” taught by Scientologists.

(”There are parenting classes,” a Scientology source confirms.)

“Katie was quite offended by that,” the source tells Us. “Can you imagine when you’re 28 and have your first child to be told you need to go to this church to become a better mom?

Now, I could easily bash Scientology for being the pointless non-religion that it is. Anything that is developed by a science fiction writer and talks about an alien coming to Earth and leaving souls trapped within volcanoes is clearly a lie. But, I won't go there now as I could go on for hours about that. The bigger shocker to me about this all is that Katie Holmes is actually a good parent. She takes care of her child and is only in the tabloids out of concern for both herself and her career, which has tanked since she got married and formed TomKat, defender of Xenu (sorry, I had to do it). I only have three words for this situation:

Celebrity Overreach

I'm not sure what it is. For some people, the appearance of the camera creates false delusions of grandeur, inflated egos, and other negative signs of self-absorption. With this in mind, Travis Barker, more popularly known as that guy with all the tattoos from Blink 182, is married to Shanna Moakler, star of the infinitely entertaining Pacific Blue with the enchantingly twinkle-toed Mario Lopez. Moakler, information aside, leaked information on Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, in particular how to get in contact with them.

As the original poster noted, there's something to be said for 14 and 15 year-olds to do this, but they are all grown women worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions each. I expect them to have better conduct than to air their dirty business all out in public like unclassy individuals. I know there are classy celebrites; maybe this crew should aspire to such an ideal.