In the Generation of Material

This is the best that I can do.

From Starpulse:

Legendary actor Clark Gable was secretly bisexual, according to a new biography. David Bret's book Clark Gable: Tormented Star claims the legendary womanizer had relationships with openly gay men and was "gay for pay" in his early career.

It adds that, as a child, Gable was branded a "sissy" by his father, which prompted him to adopt a macho image and denounce homosexuality.

The five-times-married star died in 1960 at the age of 59.

Dude, I already know. I'm still crafting a dope post on Rachael Ray.

A Cow Tipping for the Engineers

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology is one of the best, if not the best, engineering schools in America. I'm sure that kids at Cooper Union, CalTech, Rensselaer, Stevens, Hopkins, and Georgia Tech will disagree with just cause. But, MIT is pretty widely considered as the GOAT of engineering schools. Not by this guy, but by others. In addition to being dope at engineering, MIT is the home of famed leftist rabble rouser Linguistics Professor Noam Chomsky.

Even with all of these accomplishments, a crime was committed that threatens to strip MIT of all of that intellectual street cred. Hell, it might even set back the whole city of Cambridge, location of MIT and that other bastion of over-hyped intellectualism Harvard University. The story revolves around former Business professor John J. Donovan, Sr. While involved in a custody battle for his kids, Donovan was shot in a parking lot. When investigators came to look at the situation, they heard the following story. From the AP:

What the former MIT professor and wealthy businessman told police sounded like a scene from a bad spy novel: He was shot by two masked men with Russian accents, and saved only because two of the bullets bounced off his belt buckle.

Seeing as cops, while they may commit questionable actions like sodomizing immigrants with plungers and letting off shots of a dude reaching for his wallet, aren't stupid, it became clear that Donovan was the culprit here. Donovan sticks by his story, but anyone with half a mind knows that he did this shit to himself.

On top of that, if he didn't do this to himself, there were more than enough people to get at him. His kids are a good starting point. One of his kids is claiming molestation and all of them are claiming getting stiffed.

Now, while I'm sure that he probably had this coming to him whether he asked for it or not, Donovan can't even find anyone who will cosign for him. That's how few friends he has. Anyway, I want to offer him a couple friendly tips as someone who hasn't been shot but could come up with a better explanation for the cops.

The following is a freestyle discussion about getting shot with the fuzz:

Cops: Sir, what happened?
Shot Guy: I was walking back to my car. I looked around as I normally do while walking in the dark.
Cops: What happened next?
SG: I thought I was hearing things so I progressed onwards. As I began to get into my car, I heard my name get called out. I looked around, the next thing I know, I'm being shot at. I searched for cover, but it was too late. I had been hit on my side. They weren't super good aims. They hit me around my hip, maybe around my belt buckle. But, it wasn't anything too bad.
Cops: Do you know who did this to you?
SG: I have no idea. They sounded like they had accents. I'm not sure, and I didn't get a clear look at their faces because it was dark.
Cops: Do you need to go to the hospital?
SG: Yea, they got me pretty good.

See, this is a much better made-up fake story than the one this guy has going. Russian guys with masks? Are you serious? I wouldn't believe that story. Hell, I barely believe the story I just wrote. But, I believe it more than a businessman getting hijacked by Russian hitmen. That's just unfathomable. Sounds like something out of a Tom Clancy novel (where's Harrison Ford?). And, in poor form and in disregard of his Miranda rights, Donovan gave up way too much of the ghost upfront talking about his kids having it out for him and money. Donovan clearly lost his head and should have stayed cool. You think, as a businessman, he would know about sealing the deal. Also, if you paid dudes to shoot you, you should throw out the list of supplies that you had in your jacket pocket for that shooting. I mean, he might have needed to buy a rifle and some shells and cheese, but that's highly unlikely as his ass got shot. Plus, he's rich. This clearly means, especially as a man, that he probably doesn't cook. He could be ABLE to cook, but it's unlikely that he does. That's called self-incrimination there, chief.

Donovan could stand to watch an episode or two of Cops to learn how to not commit a bad crime. I mean, once he gets out of jail for getting pinned on this one.

Mental Giants of Parenting

K-Fed: If you want to keep Britney from having the kids, don't do this:

A Spanish man who took his 10-year-old son bull running during the annual Pamplona festival last week has had his visitation rights to the boy taken away by a judge.

From Reuters

A Phone Call Will Suffice

People don't like their jobs. There's nothing new about this. I don't know how they live with themselves, but hey, they feel like it has to be that way and I'm not going to get in their way. The following story displays a guy who really doesn't like his job. From The Daily Telegraph:

A Japanese navy officer who was found tied and gagged on the side of a road admitted he faked the assault to avoid going to work, police said today.

The 22-year-old was found on Tuesday with his mouth gagged and hands tied in the bushes off a road in Kanagawa prefecture near Tokyo, police said.

He initially said he was assaulted and kidnapped by a robber.

But questioned further by police, who found his story suspicious, he admitted to have made it up, a spokesman said.

The man apparently thought that if he feigned being the victim of a robbery, he could avoid work, where he was having trouble with coworkers. "He said he was getting tired of work as he was caught between his superiors and subordinates,'' the police spokesman said.

I guess things really are different in Japan.

Man Up

If you have heard this phrase and wonder what it meant, this is a good time to understand. From Sports Illustrated:

The Brazilian fencer accidentally stabbed by his brother in a practice session for the Pan American Games was dropped from the competition on Wednesday.

Ivan Schwantes, who underwent surgery to drain blood and air from his lung after his brother's epee snapped near his right underarm on Monday, will remain hospitalized for at least another 72 hours, the Brazilian Olympic Committee said in a statement.

This dude is a fencer. This is an occupational hazard; he should have expected this to happen at some point in time. He can still compete, but he decided to drop out instead. The time line for his recovery is short. He would be out of the hospital by Thursday with plenty of time to compete. So, to him, I say he needs to man up. I still would have competed if I could have, but then again I'm all about the epic.

In A Piece of Duh News...

This winner in Vancouver committed two cardinal sins for what you do in a thunderstorm. The first thing was he stood under a tree. The first thing that anyone tells you to do in a thunderstorm is not stand under a tree. The second thing that he did was that he left his iPod on while he waited under the tree. As everyone who has an old family member, the first thing you learn is that you should not use electronics during storms because a lightning strike can send a surge and harm you and your technology. You probably laughed them off and called them senile, but they are right. I learned this first hand as a VCR in my house got fried during a thunderstorm. I've also been redeemed by Mythbusters on this front. And when those guys do it up and prove it, you know it has to be true.

Appropriately enough given that he did everything wrong in this situation, this dumbass was struck by lightning. And yes, I am calling him a dumbass. He should have known better than to listen to an electronic device during a storm. I'm an iPod listener as well, but I turn it off when a storm starts. Primarily because it is uncomfortable. Secondarily out of the fear that something like this would happen to me one day. It's not that important I listen to that Chris Isaak song right now; I can wait a few minutes. Plus, I'm sure he already knew whatever song he was listening to.

I'm Not Really Impressed

Maybe it's my crippling fear of heights or the fact that this sounds really dumb, but this story of 47-year-old Kent Couch flying about 200 miles in a lawn chair with balloons giving the lift doesn't really impress me. I mean, it's impressive that he harnessed the power of helium or something, but I'm not really understanding why I'm reading about this at CNN, under the uncreative heading of "Funny News". Also, I'm just not really grooving on it. I guess it's just me though. Someone somewhere read this article and decided that they want to be an astronaut or an Air Force test pilot or something now.

The Power of Love

I'm not sure this is what Luther Vandross was thinking. From Yahoo!:

Teresa Brown, 33, told police she and her husband had "been accusing each other of different things," prosecutor Alan Townsend said. Brown said she hit him on the head after their April wedding because he grabbed her, Townsend added.

The distraught groom, Mark Allerton, 40, staggered to the front desk, clutching a bloody towel to his head, Townsend said.

"He indicated that his wife had struck him over the head with a stiletto heel," the prosecutor said.

I guess love can tear you apart after all.

Late Night Dining is Colorful...Always

I'm a fan of 24-hour eateries. While the quality tends to be marginal, if you are eating a meal at 3 in the morning under any state of duress, you aren't really inclined to care. Apparently, that didn't hold for this winner from Cartersville, GA:

Two Waffle House workers were forced to deal with an angry drunk man when he went in to eat a steak Sunday about 4 a.m.

According to the BCSO incident report, Matthew Todd Corley, 26, of Sunnyside entered the Waffle House at 10 Carson Loop, Cartersville, and demanded a steak.

The victims told deputies that Corley threatened to kill them if they did not cook him a steak. The female victim said he told her he would have the UFOs come for her.

According to the male victim, Corley beat on the tables with his hands before grabbing the telephone and calculator, also using them to beat on the tables. He also tried to jump over the counter during the nearly 30-minute ordeal.

Both victims provided written statements and, although they wanted him to go to jail, told deputies they did not want to press charges for the threats, which could have lead to charges of terroristic threats.

Corley said he had been drinking all day and was in a bad mood but did nothing wrong.

Corley was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.

While it is fucked up that this dude was threatening the hard-working women and men of the night shift, I'm not sure that this counts as anything more than being a drunk asshole, not a terrorist. Sounds like a pretty regular night on Cops in fact. Wait, are we charging drunk guys on Cops for being terrorists? Uh oh.

I'm Not Going To Drone On About This

Now, we all know that Andrew Speaker, the one who flew internationally with TB, is a dumbass. There's pretty much a general consensus on that. The better question is who is stupider? The guy who thought it was a good idea to expose hundreds of people to a strain of disease that has been, for the most part, neutralized in this country, so no solid eradication plan exists in case of an outbreak? Or the news media who continues to cover this absolute non-story? This coverage is as bad as the 24 hour coverage that is Paris Hilton: Behind Bars. I feel like I'm in a Remy Zero song. I need someone to save me.