Wednesday, August 1, 2007

A Cow Tipping for the Engineers

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology is one of the best, if not the best, engineering schools in America. I'm sure that kids at Cooper Union, CalTech, Rensselaer, Stevens, Hopkins, and Georgia Tech will disagree with just cause. But, MIT is pretty widely considered as the GOAT of engineering schools. Not by this guy, but by others. In addition to being dope at engineering, MIT is the home of famed leftist rabble rouser Linguistics Professor Noam Chomsky.

Even with all of these accomplishments, a crime was committed that threatens to strip MIT of all of that intellectual street cred. Hell, it might even set back the whole city of Cambridge, location of MIT and that other bastion of over-hyped intellectualism Harvard University. The story revolves around former Business professor John J. Donovan, Sr. While involved in a custody battle for his kids, Donovan was shot in a parking lot. When investigators came to look at the situation, they heard the following story. From the AP:

What the former MIT professor and wealthy businessman told police sounded like a scene from a bad spy novel: He was shot by two masked men with Russian accents, and saved only because two of the bullets bounced off his belt buckle.
Seeing as cops, while they may commit questionable actions like sodomizing immigrants with plungers and letting off shots of a dude reaching for his wallet, aren't stupid, it became clear that Donovan was the culprit here. Donovan sticks by his story, but anyone with half a mind knows that he did this shit to himself.

On top of that, if he didn't do this to himself, there were more than enough people to get at him. His kids are a good starting point. One of his kids is claiming molestation and all of them are claiming getting stiffed.

Now, while I'm sure that he probably had this coming to him whether he asked for it or not, Donovan can't even find anyone who will cosign for him. That's how few friends he has. Anyway, I want to offer him a couple friendly tips as someone who hasn't been shot but could come up with a better explanation for the cops.

The following is a freestyle discussion about getting shot with the fuzz:
Cops: Sir, what happened?
Shot Guy: I was walking back to my car. I looked around as I normally do while walking in the dark.
Cops: What happened next?
SG: I thought I was hearing things so I progressed onwards. As I began to get into my car, I heard my name get called out. I looked around, the next thing I know, I'm being shot at. I searched for cover, but it was too late. I had been hit on my side. They weren't super good aims. They hit me around my hip, maybe around my belt buckle. But, it wasn't anything too bad.
Cops: Do you know who did this to you?
SG: I have no idea. They sounded like they had accents. I'm not sure, and I didn't get a clear look at their faces because it was dark.
Cops: Do you need to go to the hospital?
SG: Yea, they got me pretty good.
See, this is a much better made-up fake story than the one this guy has going. Russian guys with masks? Are you serious? I wouldn't believe that story. Hell, I barely believe the story I just wrote. But, I believe it more than a businessman getting hijacked by Russian hitmen. That's just unfathomable. Sounds like something out of a Tom Clancy novel (where's Harrison Ford?). And, in poor form and in disregard of his Miranda rights, Donovan gave up way too much of the ghost upfront talking about his kids having it out for him and money. Donovan clearly lost his head and should have stayed cool. You think, as a businessman, he would know about sealing the deal. Also, if you paid dudes to shoot you, you should throw out the list of supplies that you had in your jacket pocket for that shooting. I mean, he might have needed to buy a rifle and some shells and cheese, but that's highly unlikely as his ass got shot. Plus, he's rich. This clearly means, especially as a man, that he probably doesn't cook. He could be ABLE to cook, but it's unlikely that he does. That's called self-incrimination there, chief.

Donovan could stand to watch an episode or two of Cops to learn how to not commit a bad crime. I mean, once he gets out of jail for getting pinned on this one.