After the misfire that was my props to Susan Filan for the 500th, I celebrated that shit proper today by giving a final shout to Signor Antonioni. Anyway, I'm all about the news today. I think the theme of the articles will become blatantly obvious as this goes along. Just you wait and see.
- Iran has built the largest carpet ever for the United Arab Emirates. It was done on the tired backs of Iranian women who will beat Ahmadinejad into submission if they have to do it again.
- A woman fakes a pregnancy to get gifts and money. We already have a system to con; it's called welfare.
- A woman is spied on in an unmanned tanning salon in England. If this woman is in such dire need of a tan, there are these brilliant tan salons that have people who actually work in them, can help you out, and keep guard to ensure that there are no pervs about. But, I guess this is just me being too sensible.
- Ethanol should be going into your gut and channeling its intensity into an uncontrollable rage, not powering your car.
- Another raging endorsement for smoking bongs instead of joints.
- I've lost count of how many people have been busted in this tour, but here's another one.
- Office Printers: silent weapons of death. Don't let them take your kids out on dates.
- If left-handed, there's good news and bad news for you. Good news: science pretty much confirmed the fact that you are born that way because who would train their kid to be a lefty. Bad news: you have a better chance of going batshit insane because of it.
- Ed Henry does two things wrong in this article. Firstly, he wrote it. Secondly, he uses then defines the term BFF. How fucking square is that?
- Sticks and Stones will break your bones. And words will also kill you.
- Texas taxpayers: organize a mob and get your money back for supporting this pointless survey. I could have told you why people have sex: for the money.
- Pete Doherty loves Kate Moss. Pete Doherty hates Kate Moss. Pete Doherty makes an ass of himself in a British Tabloid. Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are really meant for each other.
- John Edwards going for the youth vote. The young kids don't like the televisions and the Wolf Blitzers so much anymore.
- Mitt Romney feels democracy is being challenged by snowmen. I retort by saying democracy is challenged by Mitt Romney and his clear anti-dog and anti-snowman agenda.
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