Celebrities and the People Who Love Them?

So, if you are not up-to-date on the ins and outs of Hollywood, let me sweep you up to date with one classy phrase that a pimp somewhere developed years upon years ago: bitch is crazy. Which bitch you may ask? Glad you did. There are three, to be specific. Let's start with everyone's favorite child-bearing pop singer who married her backup dancer and his super sperm: Britney Spears.

Spears has been a straight mess. According to OK!, Spears had a breakdown at their interview. She looked like a hot mess, spread chicken grease on a Gucci dress, and cleaned up dog poop with a Chanel dress. I'm sure he'd probably kick an ass or two because that's what Karl Lagerfeld would do. Anyway, this is just more wood to the continual mess that has been the life of Britney Spears for the last year. Between the vag photos, the highly public divorce, PoPoZao, Playing With Fire, child custody battles, and coming out in public looking like a street walker, I don't know how Britney hasn't broken down yet either. This girl is a hot mess who either has a mental problem or is beyond saving. I'd like to think the former because that one is fixable. Seriously, I'm sick of seeing this chick make an ass out of herself and filling our gossip rags with useless, uninteresting information about her life. It's not funny anymore. It's really sad.

Any woman that I feel the same way about is Jessica Alba. First, this girl is a straight hater. She comes out in public and just makes hater comments. Unfortunately, she sounds vindictive and angry instead of kind of interesting. No man in the industrialized world, apparently, cares because she's supposed to be one of the hottest women on the face of the planet. I'm in disagreement because she doesn't really do anything for me physically; she's also kind of uninteresting to read about and that's an immediate turnoff to me (I do have to read the gossip about these people). Anyway, she broke up with her two-and-a-half year boyfriend in the most classless way possible: via Phone Call...from another continent. On top of this, she sent an assistant to his house to take his stuff out, thereby eliminating all need to see him again. I mean, except for the fact that she will because everyone in Hollywood sees each other again. Now, that's not G. That's not hood. That's straight punk. Bammas do shit like this. Alba is dead to me. She should act like a real human and at least do it face to face, even if it turns out terribly.

Someone that I wouldn't want to see right now is the misguided train wreck of a starlet Lindsay Lohan. Honestly, I think that she could be a good actress if she weren't always getting in ridiculous predicaments and affiliating herself with the wrong people. As you know from this very blog (Information Blast from the previous day to be exact), Lohan was busted for drugs and DUI. So, this arrest with all of her previous incidents means that Lohan the actress may be dead because no one will take the chance to actually hire here. The term that I read elsewhere was that Lohan was "uninsurable." When you are uninsurable anywhere, you have pretty much signed a death ticket, both literally and figuratively. I can only hope that Lohan pulls through this as she is a very good actress who does do well when given the right opportunity. I think her first step should be finding a new mom. I think a Dame should volunteer to take La Lohan under her wing, teach her how to be a better actress, and show her the right way in life. I think Helen Mirren should volunteer for this because I sense that she would have a sense of humor about it while also not being willing to take a lot of shit from Lindsay.

And, with the suggestion that Dame Helen take upon Lindsay Lohan, I depart from the left coast and go back to the mountain lifestyle. I'm going to dash out my window and kill a bear with my BARE HANDS!

Celebrity Intellectualism

There has been an ongoing trend amongst the Hollywood Glitterati to start reading. While I applaud them in their efforts to actually be something other than coke-addled party machines, I have to ask them fundamental questions about the nature of their reading.

I'll deal with the one I actually don't want to talk about first. This one is Heidi Montag. If you are asking who she is, I was with you until TMZ started covering her incessantly, as she got new boobs and wanted everyone to pretend like they gave a shit. She was photographed in LAX with a copy of The Art of War, the classic military treatise by Sun Tzu. Seeing as she is a Hollywood celebrity who is most likely not going to be leading a rebellion or fighting the advances of an imperalist force, I fail to see what the usefulness of her reading this book actually is. She's not a political science major. She is not planning to fight a series of battles with her militia. If she needs tips on how to be a better businesswoman, she should read How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book for this very purpose. Plus, look at the photo in the link. Who holds a book like that?! If I held a book like that, it would fall out of my hand. This chick is clearly trying to say that she is more substance than The Hills would let on. If this is the case, she should talk like it instead of posing. I can't say anymore than this because that would then assume that I would care about this girl, and I really don't.

While Heidi is posing with her book, Lindsay Lohan is namechecking the bible of realpolitik: Machiavelli's The Prince. Lohan claims this book has influenced her immensely in her own life post-rehab. If you are unaware, The Prince's primary objective is to use all means available to you to keep power and dominate your competition. This does include the abandonment of all moral, ethical, and ideological considerations. The concept of realpolitik, as this idea has come to be known in modern times, is not the best one for a recovering alcoholic and cokehead to adopt, especially in the post-rehab stage. Even if it is a satire, I'm not sure that La Lohan's smart enough to pick up on these undercurrents.

If you are wondering what my overall point is, I'm happy to tell you. My point is that these celebutantes, if you want to use the word for Montag, are doing a really bad job of being literate. They are reading overly technical books on subjects that aren't particularly relevant to their situations in life. Additionally, the two celebutantes are read the wrong books for their possibly intended goals of ruling the world. All they need to do is read The Greatness Guide and Montag and Lohan could then rule the world.

Only Because I Love Looking at These Photos

I'm obliged to tell you that the lass in the photos with Ms. Lohan is one Vanessa Minnillo. If you don't know who she is, you're not alone as pretty much no one else knows who she is. But, fear not, I kind of do.

Vanessa Minnillo is the current girlfriend of former 98 Degrees hunk and former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey. He started dating her almost immediately after divorcing Jessica. I swear that Minnillo looked different, but that's just me probably being unobservant. Anyway, if you are still asking yourself who she is, she was a host on the now-canned TRL and Entertainment Tonight, a nice piece of brand synergy right there (ET is owned by Viacom, which owns MTV).

Actually, I've just said all of this, but it's all for naught because I really don't care about her. The only thing I care about is more of these photos appearing.

This is Why I Pay Attention To Lindsay Lohan

When Lindsay Lohan went to rehab for the first time, my heart sank a little bit. My mind applauded because she was getting the help that she so direly needed. My heart was sad because that crazy redhead starlet's antics were so much fun! The coke-filled rants. Crashing cars. Always partying and forcing your way on to the turntables. Oh, such lovely days. But, with her, I thought such revelations of Lindsay doing something shocking had gone away. Clearly, I was wrong.

As Lindsay goes into her second stint in rehab, new photos have turned up of Ms. Lohan. The best way that they can be described is as hot pseudo-lesbian knife fetish in a random house. Apparently, these photos were taken only a few weeks ago. The validity of this is immaterial to me. They could be photoshopped for all I care. These photos have now restored all faith that I had in Lindsay Lohan. This is the Lohan I know and love. This is why my heart didn't want Lindsay Lohan to sober up, even though the mind knows what is actually good for the girl. Lindsay, if you are reading this, please continue to do crazy shit. It is why I love you, Ms. Lohan.

This is Further Proof of Why La Vida Lohan is in Rehab

Yesterday, I posted a photo of Lindsay Lohan's current fucktoy Calum (not Callum as I spelled it. Yea, I could have changed it, but someone might read this off the RSS and it gets all wonky when you change stuff in old posts) Best doing blow off hookers while being taped on camera. While that didn't really bother me all that much (I mean, I did come up in a city with a mayor who smokes crack), and actually this new news doesn't bother me that much either. It just helps me to make a larger point about Lindsay Lohan and her need for rehab.

As shown by her current relocation to Malibu, Ms. Lohan does not have the best decision making skills. Along with him being a hooker-infatuated blowhard (rimshot!), M. Best is also an illegitimate baby's daddy. I don't generally believe a lot of these stories unless there is clear proof that this could have actually happened. Regardless of whether or not this guy is the actual father of this child, I want these celebrities who think they have the right to fuck anything that passes in a pair of Sevens or a skirt to think about something: getting set up.

While I'm sure that many of these people have sex with people of the same economic situation as themselves, this doesn't mean that someone isn't trying to juice you for your paper. Dudes and Lasses, if some bitch comes on to you at the club and is willing to put out, protect yourself. Just like in the story with Best, the girl was on the pill and clearly that didn't work. You got to take precautions for these types of things. Why do you want to waste that money that you could be spending on Grey Goose, blow, Oxy, Vicodin, Weed, Bourbon, Paul Frank, Designer Jeans, Blackberries, Macs, Jumpsuits, Suits, Blazers, Shoes, etc to take care of some kids? So, please celebrities, help control the child population, shield your penis and protect your vajayjay.

This is Why Lindsay's in Trouble

Lindsay Lohan, if you didn't already know by now, is back in rehab. According to Chart Attack (that name is catchy, isn't it? Thanks Canada!), she is checking into Promises, the Malibu treatment center that may or may not have rehabilitated Britney Spears. I'm not saying anything, but her current dress has suggested less than full sobriety. No one thought Paula Abdul was sober, but at least she got her shit together and looked less like a cheap prostitute when she came out in public.

But, this is not a rant about other celebrities. With this second trip to rehab in less than a year, we have to wonder what kind of leadership exists for Lindsay Lohan. Clearly, we don't need to look at Dina because she's too busy getting shit-faced with Lindsay. So, this leaves us with Michael, a man who is spending time in jail for, essentially, binge drinking. He says that, "When Lindsay puts God back in her life, things will turn around." See, Lindsay's clearly doomed. Rehab can't save her.

One More Thing Scratched Off The Mental Question List

I always wondered what doing blow off a hooker looked like. Thanks Callum Best!

Even She Doesn't Deserve This

Jodie Marsh, a woman that I previously blogged about here, had the first casting for her television show. She got TWO people and one of whom was drunk. This is on television, I mind you. Now, I don't know a lot about Ms. Marsh, nor do I necessarily care to. I refer you to the following picture as my reason.

Now, I'm not here to pass judgment against Ms. Marsh, but, from the minimal research that I've done, it does seem like she gets around. As if her male partners have been quite numerous. Additionally, she would like to be in a gang bang. You say I'm being harsh? Look at her wikipedia page. Ladies, how often do you think to yourself and say, "damn, I wish I had five men instead of just two! Double penetration is just so vanilla! I just need more dicks than two!" If you do, welcome to the world that is Jodie Marsh. Well, that and sleeping with two other women's boyfriends at the same time because she's a homewrecker. In short and for the uninitiated, Ms. Marsh is, essentially, Paris Hilton but with fake breasts and British.

By saying she is Paris, Jodie takes on all of the qualities of Ms. Hilton with the bitchiness, cattiness, and being a celebrity for no discernable reason. But, fortunately for the Brits, Marsh's reality shows tank instead of succeed like Hilton's The Simple Life (You know there's another one coming out right? E!, why do you torment me with this show? I can't watch more than five minutes because it makes me want to throw my television out the window and myself swiftly afterwards) with that basehead Nicole Ritchie.

While she is already unlikable, she only comes more unlikable in my book by being a supporter of PETA (I don't really believe in Animal Rights. They are not our equals. Some stuff that might be seen as PETA-friendly is quite differently motivated), smokes like a chimney, and someone who is constantly craving public approval for being horribly untalented. Even so, she doesn't deserve only two people to show up at her audition. At least five to ten should have shown up. But, seriously, I don't blame anyone for not showing up. Honestly, I know more about her sex life from this half-hour on her wikipedia page than I actually do about Lindsay Lohan from years of reading about her and she loves the dick. I should have found out way more about La Lohan's sex life than I know now. Jodie's always in the media for his antics. Do you want to be married to such a woman where your marriage is just a cheap ploy to gain more celebrity? I'd rather get worn out by Lohan's nymphomania than be a sorry ploy in this tawdry attempt for public attention.

But, my repulsion aside, Marsh shouldn't have to suffer through the embarrassment of showing up somewhere to only have two people there. Her publicist should have spot checked and then told her, "Jodie, you're a celebrity that pretty much everyone in Britain hates. This reality show you're trying to cast for is stupid, and you should go take those implants out your chest and go use your mind. Alright, you don't have to take the implants out, but maybe you should actually go do something with your life instead of trying to be famous since that one's not working out too well for you." That just seems like the sensible thing to do in this situation.

I have an easy answer for this

In a recent interview with Nylon magazine, Lindsay Lohan pontificated about her very special relationship with the paparazzi. On one hand, she is an attention whore and loves the attention that is showered upon her by them. But, on the other hand, she is mad at them because she feels that they are getting in the way of her actually being successful as an actress. In her own words:

“The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don’t want that distraction from my work,” she told the mag. “I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be known for more than, like, going out. For being ‘the party girl.’ I hate that. I bust my [bleep] when I’m filming, and when I gave time off, yeah, I like to go out and dance.”

Yes, Lindsay, leaving a film and quitting another so you could be replaced by Jessica Biel is really busting your ass on set. Also, if you don't want to be the party girl, not doing "party girl" things like being the drunk girl in the club or always staying out until the morning hours might actually help your cause in some minor, infinitesimal way.

Oh Lindsay.

I watched a special on VH1 (yea, I know) about Lindsay Lohan. It went through the whole series of foibles she has had over the past year and a half. Between the vag pictures and the general overpartying, alcohol-swilling, drugged-out wear, I feel like she needs someone responsible in her life. Her dad is a hot mess. So is her mom, who is trying to be like her daughter which is just a terrible idea. Even with guardianship, Lohan is liable for her own language.

In a recent interview, Lindsay Lohan, to my non-shock following her history of rambling, poorly edited writing about important social issues (did she go to high school?), said the following:

In a frank interview about her time spent at the Californian rehab clinic, the 20-year-old actress, who has been linked with dozens of men, even hinted that she may be a sex addict.

‘Being an actress is lonely, and I never want to be alone,’ she said.

‘I hate sleeping alone. I like being able to be in different relationships – being able to see a few people.

‘I’m not really like a crazy addict. I mean – I enjoy having sex,’ she added.

One of the men who may have been keeping her company at night may well have been Jude Law.

Lindsay refused to name names when she was asked about her conquests but giggled when Law’s name was mentioned. ‘I’m having fun right now.

‘There’s obviously someone I like,’ she said

I'm not going to knock her for having sex. Having lots of wild sex is fine, if that's your scene. And admitting it in public isn't really a problem either. But, isn't having sex just to have a person in your bed a little seedy? What about a body pillow or a stuffed animal to fill that space? They are things to grab at and hold when you sleep and you'd save valuable courting time. Also, this article proves that Lindsay Lohan has no friends and she replaces her internal loneliness with copious amounts of sex. Lindsay, you are always surrounded by people. Maybe if you actually worked on a movie and connected with your fellow thespians, you'd probably have a lot of friends. Also, stop dating this guy.


He looks like he would break under the stress of your nymphomania, not that there's anything to wrong with that although you shouldn't want to hurt people with sex. And that's real, LiLo, really real.

UPDATE: My initial hunch was right. The other in the photo is Samantha Ronson.

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