Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, Making My Eyes Bleed

Going Live again on a program that came on days ago, Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. Before I begin, I'd like to point out this story from ABC about Victoria wanting a stylist that won't outshine her.

The show starts with a montage of Victoria going around Hollywood and being hyped up to death. Victoria has to find a house, get a driver's license, and find a manicurist. The struggles of being ridiculously rich and famous. I'm so not impressed, nor do I think this will be "major," as Posh thinks it will.

Post-montage, Posh and Becks are getting styled for their euro-trashy photoshoot in W. And, yes I paused so I could do that. Carrying onwards. We also have to remember that the Beckhams have three kids although they are heard but never seen. They talk about something; it's not all that important. Then there is a montage of the two taking pictures in Madrid. At this point, Posh and Becks separate. Becks stays in Spain to finish playing for Real Madrid. Becks goes ahead to do all of the tedious legwork of being rich.

Victoria talks about how she is surrounded by paparazzi all over Europe. She thought it might be different. I don't know if she was being dry or serious because, if she was being dry, she has a terrible sense of humor. Anyway, she arrives and the place is covered with paps. She tries to make another not funny joke about them expecting Madonna. No dice.

Upon arrival, Posh goes to the rental house, which she refers to as a dusty cube. She likes the house, but doesn't like the shitty piece of art in her house. At least, she has good taste. Anyway, she talks about how hard her life is going to be for the next few weeks. Of course, cut to her sitting by the pool. She's so busy she can't even pour her own champagne. Her hairstylist does it for her. I guess when you get paid as much as he does and travel the world with the woman, you can lower your standards a bit to do menial tasks for her. Some dramatic photos later for Becks, Posh is out of our sight for two minutes as we go on to the commercials.

As these commercials run, I am thinking to myself that I was going to write a legit commentary on this show. A legit review. Thought out and well considered. You know, like real critics do. But, I think that would require me to adequately care about Posh, which I don't. I only care enough to live blog.

Back from commercials, we came into an intro of Posh posing by the pool. Her personal assistant in America has shown up. Suffice it to say, she meets the standards of Posh: she's sort of dumpy and not as pretty as her. I think that Renee, her assistant, is pretty, but she will suffice for Posh's needs. Posh is laying down the rules for the house meaning that she has to do everything for the house. Renee has to do everything.

Anyway, we have now moved on to Posh's adventures with driving. She was doing well then pulled over. The paparazzi were on the scene as they always are. She then proceeded to comment that she should be wearing heels instead of flats and she didn't know whether to listen or to pose. The cop told her to go to the DMV and take the driving test.

Fast forward, we are at the DMV with Posh. It is a mob scene because this chica gets followed everywhere. Go figure. Anyway, she has to take a new photo. She gets touched up with lip gloss and her hair is done. To show the cultural gap and the fact that no one cares about soccer, she asked the lady who took the picture if she could retake her DMV photo. The lady tried to be nice about it, but I would have cussed at her. I think that's just me though. After the photo, she went to take the paper test to get her license changed over. Renee tried to help out, but the proctor caught her. He then proceeded to tell her that he had his eye on her. Even after the assist, Beckham passed and is now licensed in America. Where we go from here, I have no idea because it's on commercial.

Can I note during this break: I've lost 20 minutes of my life and I'm starting to want them back. She's really boring.

Renee's a fantastic assistant, btw. Uh oh, Posh has found out about Perez Hilton. She's paying Perez a visit at his office at the Coffee Bean. Ben, the hairdresser, came along. Perez tried to get her to eat a cookie, but she said that she can't break her image as a non-eating alien. Anyway, Victoria has displayed a sense of humor about herself. Additionally, Posh shoots down the convention that she is getting converted to Scientology. Posh and Perez worked out an agreement, and I really do want my time back now.

Renee and Posh are talking about what they will put in the fish tank. In the meantime, Posh gets a gift basket and is invited to a socialite's luncheon. Posh goes because she needs to make friends. She gets her battery of assistants together and they fix her up nice. And Posh and Co. go to Suzanne Hughes's house. This woman is a hot mess. Too much plastic surgery is a bad thing. Also, Posh has second thoughts once see experienced the tragedy that is the interior design of the Hughes house by Suzanne Hughes. She really needs to hire someone. Posh meets the rest of the socialites and likes them very much. But, she grows uncomfortable in talking about the money. Socialites talk about money; Posh has yet to understand this in America. Posh also uses the term major a lot. Posh also realizes that getting socialites into their nature territory of lushness always makes things more tolerable. Posh had fun and wishes to be a socialite when she gets to be older. This means being a lush with bad taste. Next: searching for the new home.

Can I just interject here for a moment? I would like to say that I, Ace of Oh Stewardess, have been conned out of the last 30 minutes of my life by Victoria Beckham and would like my time back. After seeing the awesomeness that could have came with watching the lushes of the Beverly Hills Socialite Club, I, the viewer, am being cheated by this special as I now know that I could have gotten way more entertainment from them than Ms. Beckham. But, I only have myself to blame as I decided to saddle up for this effort. I do have to say that I would have never watched this show if it was an actual television show. My mind would have rotted. My hopes of being a professional hater would have been greatly compromised.

Montage of LA starts the next segment. Posh lives for her family. Her son also has an Oedipal complex. When Posh isn't living for her family, Posh loves to shop as therapy. I'm glad that aimless consumerism can be a new form of therapy. But, I'm letting politics get in the way.

One week away from the arrival date of Becks, Posh still hasn't found a house yet. Renee, aware of the fact that LA has strange natural occurrences, hired an earthquake specialist. While she is trying to learn about the earthquake procedures, Posh is more concerned about whether or not we can see her knickers. Anyway, Posh is off to look at houses. Of course, all the houses are really nice. She wants a nice, child-friendly house. The first house has a cliff. I'm into it, but I also don't have kids nor get that drunk by ledges. My fear of heights would keep me from doing that.

Posh says something that I agree with about the second house: it looks like someone vomited everywhere. The house is hideously designed. The third house isn't really that impressive, but she loves it. She still hasn't made a decision, but she is working on it. In the next part, Posh tries to fool the paps and I'm supposed to care about Becks coming to America.

Yea, Victoria hasn't really impressed me so much. I still want my time back. But not as much as I want it back for having to watch those Yoplait ads with the pale girl at the beach. You know which ones I'm talking about. I can't stand that ad. Homegirl needs to hit up her backyard or roof or something if she can't go out in her yellow polka-dot bikini.

After the break, Posh notes that she wants to make everything comfortable for the family. She talks about being away from her family for a very long time. She's been gone from the family for about two weeks. I say man up. Posh, as a gift to her husband, wants to buy Becks a watch. But, she is always stopped by the paps being everywhere. She comes up with the no-so-genius idea of buying a blow-up doll, dressing it like her, and using it to fool the paps. While she might not think so, Posh does kind of look like the blow-up doll. Anyway, the plan actually did work to my amazement, and Posh bought the watch.

Renee, endlessly working assistant, gets Posh an opportunity to make the first pitch at the Dodgers game. Posh, being from England, doesn't know too much about baseball. So, Renee takes her to a little league diamond to learn how to throw a baseball. Posh thought the people were small. Only after standing amongst them, Posh realizes that they are, in fact, kids. You know, kids like she has. We'll have to wait and see how this one turns out after the commercial break.

I can't insert snippy commentary here because I'm getting a beer. Editorial timeout. Ahh, frozen beers from the back of the fridge. That thing is worthless.

Anyway, we are back to the life of Victoria Beckham. Posh asks the kids to tell her about baseball, an instantaneous no-no. The kids asked why she talked funny, why should was wearing heels, etc. Home girl has ZERO arm. ZERO. Anyway, Posh shows up at Dodger Stadium and runs into a slightly pervish Tommy Lasorda. Posh met her catcher and is terrified that she will run into the fact of making herself look like an ass. She does look like a stupid tart, but she did get the pitch to the home plate. Take that, mayor of Cincinnati.

As Posh reminisces about her time in the city, we get a pointless video montage of the past hour. Posh also went back to get Becks, so she could travel with him back to LA. She did miss him, but the show is now over. At the end, we're getting outtakes where Posh doesn't actually know the basis of Thanksgiving. That will come with time on the other hand. Anyway, we have now finished our trip with Victoria Beckham.

As a recap, I'm not sure that I would have expected something different. I already figured that rich people don't have very difficult lifestyles and they can pretty much do whatever they please. The only problems that they have are staving off depression and severe painkiller abuse (thanks Jacqueline Susann). This show didn't really change that idea. Actually, Posh just validated it. If I learned anything at all, I learned how much work a personal assistant actually does. So, in short: NBC, that show was fun and all, but can I get the last hour of my time back?