Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Larry Craig Likes A Good Pounding*

*Yes. Whatever question you are asking yourself about that headline, the answer is yes.

In the middle of a very slow news cycle filled with discussion on the outlook on the War in Iraq, Michael Vick's fate as a human being and professional athlete, the resignation of Alberto Gonzales and the faux redemption of Miss South Carolina from her embarrassing answer at Miss Teen USA, Americans could have loss all of their fear towards the evil threat of homosexuality. You know, homosexuality, gay people. Behind terrorism and higher taxes, homosexuality is America's biggest fear. The gays are all around us, preaching sexual tolerance and equal rights. The homosexuals stand to tear down everything that we stand for as a country, replacing the red, white, and blue with a rainbow flag. Talking about that Black guy doing the same dumb shit that Black people supposedly do all of the time really got us off the topic at hand: the gay threat. But, while we haven't been fearing it, it has only been rising further and further up the power scale. And, this week, we have had a scare at the top.

Larry Craig, Republican Senator from the State of Idaho, was arrested in the airport of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport for trying to solicit hot, anonymous gay sex in the Men's bathroom. Craig gave the plainclothes cop who arrested him a series of indicators that he was cruising for the sexiness. This arrest comes hot on the heels of Florida state representative Bob Allen getting busted for trying to get some head in a public bathroom. His defense was made worse by the fact that he blamed it on the Black guy. Yes, the Black guy pressured you to get oral pleasure from him. Yes, that's how it always works. And, let us also not forget the other incident with the President of the Young Republicans giving unsolicited blowjobs. Craig is different from these other two because Craig actually pled guilty to his charges. In addition to pleading guilty to the charges, Craig has a history with the gay sex.

Before Mark Foley was outed by Brian Ross and the ABC investigative team to be tempting the males with the sex, Craig was involved in the first Congressional page scandal in 1982. Craig passionately disavows any notion that he likes the boys, but his marriage to Suzanne was immediately after the end of the scandal almost as a visual symbol that Craig was not gay. This is added to a separate statement on the issue that Craig made to the public. Craig was the only congressperson to conduct such an action. That's suspicious if I say so myself. But, this is made more suspicious by persons who have come forwards, saying that they have had sex with Craig. In the Foley case, this didn't really matter so much because Foley was already known to be gay. Craig denies that any of this is true, but, seriously. Come on, Larry. You're not a prize, an Adonis to be marveled at by all. You're pretty for an old guy, but enough for people to claim having sex with you to slander you? No way. Plus, who would want to brag about having sex with the senior Senator of Idaho? California or New York? Maybe that's bragging material but thinking about doing it with Chuck Schumer sends a spine down my shiver (no offense to Mrs. Schumer). But, Idaho? No chance.

Craig's case is far more interesting than the average sex scandal because Craig has been one of the most outspoken advocates against the gay sex. Aside from saying that he isn't gay contrary to evidence, Craig is a spokesman for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign along with being an ardent supporter of anti-gay causes. Craig is well known for sponsoring the Federal Marriage Amendment much to the chagrin of the American public. And, just to give him another square kick in the crotch, Craig is also running for re-election in Idaho, a traditionally conservative state where anti-gay stuff goes over really well. Also, this whole event happened two and a half months ago. Someone has some explaining to do right there.

As anyone can clearly tell, this is a fairly juicy case where more and more details are bound to leak out and make themselves known. The right will go into defensive mode while the left will putter around, trying to figure out how to capitalize off of this event. More important than all of this is the fact that the homosexual threat has been refreshed in the minds of Americans. No longer is anyone safe from the gay menace. It exists at the highest levels of government as well as no further away than a metal divider in a bathroom. It is everywhere. For a nation that was lacking fear, this story renews the greatest fear of all: the fear of homosexuality. Watch your feet, men. Watch your feet.