Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sex on The Can

Firstly, I have to note the fact that I haven't been writing most of today. I took a totally awesome nap and then watched track and field. Anyway, I have been reading about this whole Larry Craig situation a little bit more (for further information, see Larry Craig Likes A Good Pounding*) and I'm frankly troubled by much of the dialogue.

A lot of the discussion against him has been with regards to the fact that Craig wanted to get that dick in the bathroom. A lot of people seem to be offended by the fact that he wanted to get down there. I'm failing to see why wanting to get tail in a bathroom is a bad idea. Frankly, this is probably the best place to get laid in public. I'm serious. Think about this for a minute.

If you have sex in a park, an alley, a car, there is a very high likelihood that someone will come up unbeknownst to you and scare the shit out of you, throwing you off your game especially if are putting stuff in places other than a mouth. Now, this is also adding to the fact that you can get caught with your pants down, which is generally embarrassing. Some people are OK with being naked, but they are normally aware of the fact that they are going to be naked. No one likes to get walked up on while they are either fully or partially naked, even if taking their clothes off is their job. Sure, the thrill of outdoor sex is high, but the risks are far higher than one can imagine.

Now, compare this to a bathroom. All of the thrills and excitement that come along with having sex in public come with a couple of built in security features. While I can't speak for the women's bathrooms, taking a dump can get a little bit violent and loud in a men's room. I'm not speaking for myself; I am speaking from experience on the other hand. Now, while the smell might overwhelm the senses, the sound is a natural disguise for when you are getting the sex. In addition to the sounds, the fact that American bathrooms don't have bottom sections allow you to see if someone is coming up on you. If so, the other person can hide their legs and make it appear as if it is only one person in the stall. Or, you could pull a Craig and put a roll-up suitcase in front of the part where people can see directly under the door. This problem is eliminated in Europe where they fully believe in the idea of the water closet with the full length doors.

Also, the stall allows for discretion and allows the participants to protect the feeble-minded youth who are not ready to understand sex. That has to be something that the family values crowd must have thought of as a pro in Craig's direction: the fact that he exercised the discretion to do it in a bathroom instead of a park or needle-strewn alley. Clearly, people designed bathrooms to be places where people can pop a squat and a cherry in the same place. Why else would you put a condom machine in the bathroom?

For Craig to recognize this basic tenant of life and exercise it even though he swears that he didn't, I salute him. Not for hiding in the closet, but for realizing the true double utility of the bathroom stall.