Streams on Kiddie Beauty Queens*

*Yes, that should sound dirty.

I'm going stream-of-consciousness on Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown. I have an important question to ask you: If someone told you that Justin Timberlake was a beauty pageant king, would you be impressed at all? Would you care?

As far as I've gained, the show is following four kids as they prepare for the biggest kiddie pageant in America. The first kid is Joanna, the reigning queen. She seems interested, but her mom looks more interested in her winning than she does, even as she criticizes her at every juncture. Aleena is the second girl who already has a sense of sex appeal, which is slightly disturbing. Kynnedy is a Black pageant queen who just wants to have her father see her at a pageant. Jordan is the long shot in this set. Her mom called her clumsy and described the losing streak that Jordan has been on. As it is, she hasn't been in a pageant for 9 months.

Jordan is staying home while the rest of the girls are going to a pageant called "International Total Miss," a virtual semi-final for the bigger pageant. We are introduced to the people who have made their careers on the exploitation of young children. A particularly interesting figure is the host Mr. Tim, who is also the narrator. Colorful guy there.

The three girls are getting ready for the pageant tomorrow. Aleena has to take a bath, then TAN, and go to sleep by 11. Kynnedy is practicing her smiling while her father complains about being tricked into coming to the event. Joanna is thinking ahead of herself about winning the prize money and getting a pony. Apparently, she was upsetting her mother, but they both upset me more than they could ever imagine. Also, who tells their six-year-old to stick their chest out more as they are walking along? That's kind of wrong, but we're on commercials now.

With commercials over, Mr. Tim brings us back to Gatlinburg, TN [sic] and the International Total Miss Pageant. The pageant is three parts: casual wear, swim wear, and formal wear (beauty). Joanna is irritating her mom, Aleena is using her sex appeal, and Kynnedy's pops is hella disappointed about having to be there. While not there, but somewhere else, Jordan is just a hot mess. The pageant coach is complaining about her not having any actual rhythm. They note that their is a swim wear component of the competition. Does anyone else find it wrong that little girls are being judged on swim wear? That seems sort of horribly wrong and exploitative.

So, we get some hot runway action with the 3-4 years old. We are transferred to the 6 years old who are getting fake tans, fake eyelashes, and their hair curled. Apparently, Aleena's mom is the queen of the spray tan. There is also a family called the Welches who sell "flippers," false teeth for beauty queens who are LOSING THEIR ACTUAL TEETH. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? Anyway, you have to have the flippers, which will set you back 250 because you are six and in a natural biological development period where you lose your teeth.

Kynnedy's dad is still pissed that her daughter wants to be a beauty queen because it is expensive such as the 2 Grand glamour dress. We are currently in a scene with Joanna reminding us that they are only 6, as she complains about getting her hair done. They are using more hairspray than Divine in Female Trouble. Aleena's hair is falling down because the humidity is too high! The humidity is just awful in this building!

So, the girls finally go into their beauty pageant and the older people try to explain that this is not exploitation of children, as it clearly appears. There is some interesting video of the girls on the runway with them thinking about "money" while they walk. I won't get into how this portrays a negative female image. I'll defer that commentary to your local (radical) Feminist.

After commercials, we are caught up with Jordan, who is still at home trying to step her game up. Apparently, the beauty pageants are very, very long. Kynnedy's pops is still not feeling this competition. Apparently, swim wear allows for the young girls to be like the big girls. That's so wrong on so many levels, especially since they are all of six years old. I'm also going to disregard the fact that Kynnedy, the Black girl, is the queen of the swim suit. I can't keep up and go down that road.

The swim wear competition is way more disturbing than I thought it would be. The girls are walking around like they are at Carnivale, swinging their hips and doing a walking samba. They have moved onto the next level with girls going "freestyle." The girls are allowed to dress how they please and dance to the music. They call it pro-am, but I don't really know what that means. All during this situation, the parents are coaching the kids and guiding the kids through this situation.

We are now in the outfit of choice, and I have to say that so many of these outfits are atrociously awful. Also, Aleena failed on an important component of her dance: the jacket twirl. Also, the girls are now being awarded. Essentially everyone gets an award, except for Aleena. It's clearly because she dropped her jacket during the outfit of choice round. Joanna won the whole competition although I feel like I've lost far more than she's won. Kynnedy won something else, but I'm not really clear what is what. We get the inevitable disappointment of Aleena having explained to her that she sucks and her mom's tactless explanation of it all. With International Total Miss now finished, after the break, we will be whisked away to the majesty that is the Fabulous Faces competition in FLO'DA (that's Florida for all of those of the more sane persuasion)!

I have to say that this show is starting to make me want to smoke crack. Not yet, but if some crackhead walked up to me and said hey, you wanna smoke some rock, I would actually contemplate taking them up on the offer.

Kynnedy's pops is proud, but he's never going to another pageant again while the other parents are in various states. Jordan's mom is actually concerned for her child and her well-being, especially if she doesn't win. This is the first time that this has happened during the show. I'm actually amazed that it hasn't happened more often, but it is fitting that it hasn't.

The work required to organize a pageant is immense, and they are rotting the kids' teeth with tons of candy due to candy sponsorships. Just, no. Just say no.

The girls are getting done up. Jordan is not a fan of the beauty pageant culture, which is actually refreshing because she's acting like a *gasp* normal six year old. There's some faux tension being built up right now as the parents get concerned for their kids even though the kids aren't that concerned. There is a dance sequence that has pushed me over the edge. I want to smoke crack now.

The pageant has started. Joanna's mom talks about how she can control her child by sticking her tongue out and flipping her hand about. Yet again, another sane comment from Jordan's mom. This competition is really disturbing. The girls' walks are all really unnatural and really disturbing me. Like, I'm really creeped out. It's like watching mod girls dancing, but with way, way less rhythm and the awesome 60's soundtrack. Anyway, I can regain some senblance of my decency with this coming advertising block.

We are in Daytona Beach with gratuitous shots of the female bosom. Rapid switch back to the girls getting done up for the swimsuit competition. The judges get some late advice on what to look at in the girls. The parents are freaking out over their daughters. There's some faux drama, but nothing too serious. Aleena might be out, but that's her mom's fault not hers because she forgt the number. Joanna's glue doesn't work or something. I don't really know what's going on there. Mr. Tim has made a costume change, looking sketch as usual.

The competition is now over. Some trash talking between Aleena and Joanna. No games. Some girls won some bootleg, lower prizes, but that's not important. We're America and no one cares about the small things. Who's number 1? Kynnedy won the swimsuit award. I'm not touching that one. But her mom rolls on the ground. She just set back Black people a decade. Joanna repeated as top champion. Mom's jazzed. Joanna's kind of jazzed, but not too jazzed. Aleena's just hating and mad because she didn't win. Aleena's explanation also doesn't make a lot of sense, but I shouldn't expect more as she's six and all.

On the whole, this was possibly one of the most painful things that I've ever sat through. I'm going to go watch the Colbert Report and try to wash this atrocity from my mind, or at least replace it with dreams about Lindsay Lohan. COUNT IT!