Getting Our War On

For a long while, well after they actually invaded Iraq, I've been of the belief that the axis of evil that Bush announced in one of his initial State of the Union addresses was far more than a rhetorical strategy to show the need for America to restrict the rights of citizens. It was, in fact, a road map to the Bush World Liberation Tour.

CNN, when not covering Paris Hilton, has only helped to bolster this idea by publishing a report that says the US now has "irrefutable proof" that Iran has been shipping weapons to the resurgent Taliban movement in Afghanistan. If you read the article and know anything about the Taliban, this doesn't make sense. The Taliban is a Sunni group, putting them at direct opposition to the Shi'ite-led Iran.

With yet another specious argument, the Bush administration has proven that it has no scruples and is scraping the bottom of the barrel to justify an attack on Iran. But, you know what's better about all of this, I'm sure that I will read and hear about this all day as the claims are questioned by well-intentioned journalists such as Wolf Blitzer. For that dude to have such a cool name, Wolf Blitzer's kind of a douche and should display more skepticism.

People Should Stop Being Dumb

As I turned back to MSNBC, they are talking to a mom who lost her admittedly, yet irrelevant to this story, attractive 17-year-old daughter in a crash because the other person was texting on their cell phone. All I have to say is: is it really that important? Is it so important to send that text message that you can't wait until you have stopped somewhere to send it? That you have to send it while driving? It's a fucking text message. You aren't saving the world by telling someone you're going to be back in 20 minutes or to meet them at the coffee shop or other locale. This girl shouldn't have lost her life in such a callous, reckless way.

If you want to talk on your cell phone, fine. But, texting: don't do it.

Yep, Yep, Yep

We've been getting pelted with rain out here. Driving on the highway was incredibly dangerous today. The rain just came down in sheets. I couldn't see a foot in front of my car in points. It was completely crazy. We also did poorly in trivia. We knew the answer but we didn't bet any money, so our arch rivals The Thundercats won. It was bad times. But, driving home with far less rain but a foggy window was fun. I blasted Josef K the whole way home. So, to end today's posting, I'm posting a video of sorry for laughing by the aforementioned band.



Enjoy this video. Also, three away from three hundred posts. There won't be some strange celebration of it, but it will be labeled post three hundred. The novelty of reaching each hundred will eventually wear off, but it hasn't yet. So, with that comment, I bid adieu. We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Slowly Approaching 300

I'm nearing post 300. As of this post, I'm only 5 away. I might be able to do them tonight, but I'm going to take lunch and clean myself. Yes, the glamorous life of blogging. In the meantime, while you are doing something more substantial with your time, I'll leave you with this video of the Brian Jonestown Massacre live. If you don't know the Massacre, google their name and go their website. You can download all of their albums for free. I'm still trying to figure out how to make ogg vorbis into a format that my iPod can read, but once I do, it's so on. Anyway, I'm leaving you with a very a propos song for my day at least: a summery ballad called Anenome off Their Satanic Majesties Second Request. Also, if you want to know about the band, you should watch DiG! the documentary about them and their "rivalry" with the Dandy Warhols.

This is Kind of Gangster

Also only Owen Wilson could pull this off. He's just weird enough to do something like this. I would never expect this out of Luke. From Page Six:

Owen Wilson might be the first-ever customer who pedaled up to Scores West Side on a mountain bike. Wilson parked his two-wheeler at the mammary mecca's check room and then sat down to enjoy the topless talent. "After a few hours, he said he was meeting friends at another club to bring back to Scores and could he leave the bike. They said, 'No problem,' " our spy reports. "It was a fun night for him - Scores, regular clubs, then Scores again....

While I don't have to note the classiness of Wilson here, there's something hilarious and fittingly gangster about him rolling up to the strip club on a bike. It's like showing up to your date's house with a bike: possible but not advisable. I guess he also slides because he's worth tons of money, too.

Wouldn't It Be Easier Not To Glamorize It?

Clifford "T.I." Harris visited a school in West Philadelphia and told the kids to stay in school. Additionally, he told them not to emulate what they saw in rap videos. This frankly confuses me. So, T.I. goes to a school and, essentially, tells them that he's not a role model because he is a rapper who glamorizes his time on the streets and engages in socially detrimental conduct, exactly what he is telling the kids not to do.

I applaud T.I. for attempting to be a positive role model for kids. I know a lot of other rappers wouldn't have done what he did. But, with that said, shouldn't he just stop trying to claim street cred and become an actual positive role model with his music? He can keep all of his subject material, but he can drop a verse like GZA's "Cold War," which was a street narrative instead of an attempt to place oneself back in the trap, as he likes to call it. He can't visit every school in America, so doesn't this seem like the more reasonable alternative. We all know what happens on the streets now. Why not make it actually sound bad instead of like a good thing? But, who am I to comment on this? I'm just some dude who saw all this shit go down.

I Am Alone

A while ago, I commented on the new 2012 Olympics logo and about how it's kind of hideous, but I love it anyway. I'm definitely alone in this sentiment. British kids, the ones this logo was aimed at, resoundingly hate it. 70% of them think its bad. 70%! And, upon further reflection, they are right. It is a bad logo. I only actually like it because it was seizure-inducing and neon-colored. There isn't enough neon colored stuff around anymore.

A Gay Mayor in Texas? Shenanigans.

There are no shenanigans here. Continuing in the posting about homosexuality, a local businessman in Dallas, TX is up for election. If he wins, he would be the first openly gay mayor of a large city in America. Since Dallas is a liberal city but in the Bible Belt of America, there is a strong dichotomy between the pro-gay and anti-gay groups in the city. Many people are considering whether or not they will vote for the person because they are gay. Dallas has a history of openly gay persons serving the city.

A representative for the gay-berhood of Oak Lawn was the first one elected in 1993. Dallas County Sheriff Lupe Valdez, a lesbian, was elected in 2005. So, if he were to win, it would not be unprecedented.

While I cannot speak for Dallas voters, I can say that, as long as his policies are good and would be doing good for the city, I would vote for a gay candidate without hesitation. Sexual orientation should not matter in politics. Policy is policy and that has to be acknowledged and respected. What you do in your own time is your own business as long as it does not affect the city adversely.

Does This Mean Neil Tennant Becomes the Poet Laureate?

According to KPIX out of San Francisco, the Pentagon thought about developing a gay bomb. This has been confirmed by the Pentagon. This isn't San Francisco liberals trying to subvert mainstream America by forcing its gay agenda and hot pants on the rest of the country. While the plan was rejected, it had a pretty clever, if not dumb, idea behind it. From the report:

The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another

The navy's been pretty gay for a while, but that never led to any major breakdowns. Hell, they got Tom Cruise to represent them not once not twice but thrice on film (Top Gun and Born on the Fourth of July and A Few Good Men), but he might be gay as well. I don't know. Anyway, I don't think that an hour or two orgy will really be all that detrimental to fighting a war. In fact, it would probably be good because they would be less focused on getting laid and actually be able to take out the enemy. I'm glad that the military decided not to go through with this one because I doubt it would have worked out very well for them.

A Public Service Announcement

I am not against drugs per se. If you would like to experiment with drugs, by all means, you should. But, even with such an ethos, there is a line that has to be maintained and respected. That line should be drawn at things that you have seen people get completely fucked up on. PCP is a bit flexible, but should be used with caution and probably with a downer to make sure that you don't get too hyped and end up with a herniated disk because you thought that you could lift up a car with your bare hands or dead because you thought you could fly (true story; happened in D.C. during the PCP outbreak of the early 2000's). PCP aside, drugs that you can get completely fucked up on include: heroin, crack, and meth. All of these drugs completely ruin your life and make you a basehead who gets into knife fights and surfs through people's trash to steal credit card numbers. This is on top of making you look ridiculously hideous with legions all over your face.

If you live in Dallas or other points in the world, please do not start doing cheese or telling your friends to do it. Cheese is a blend of nighttime sleeping drugs like Tylenol PM and low-end heroin. It can kill you with one hit because of the combination of two fairly strong downers. Heroin slows your heart down. Tylenol PM puts you to sleep, meaning that your heart is going to slow down as well as it enters into its nocturnal form. If you couldn't tell, this isn't a good idea like getting drunk and taking Vicodin or robotripping.

While what you do with your own body is your decision, work with the rest of us here. I live in an area with a Fox-owned Fox subsidiary. That station is already trying to scare the crap out of me with its threatening lead-ins to stories about how cell phones can explode in my face or something pointless that will never happen in a million years during the ten o'clock news. I don't need CNN adding to this paranoia like they did with an episode of Paula Zahn Now dedicated to the issue of these knuckleheads doing cheese. Save me from these public interest stories and save yourself from the inherent addiction and/or death. Don't do cheese.

A public service announcement from a blog named after a quote from Airplane.

My Laptop is Hot

So, I got bored and started reading through my old gchat transcripts. I've been involved in some hilarious conversations with people. Anyway, if you don't know me from school, I was a sound tech for my collegiate career (and probably should still be doing it because I was pretty good at it). When I wasn't watching money-grubbing speeches, I was watching bands hammer away in various basements across the town of Oberlin and engineering for some of them. I saw a ton of super good shows. I saw just as many bad shows that weren't campus shows, which weren't uniformly awful as you might believe. Kids did have really good bands. For a long time, there was always a show; it was just a question of where it was. Anyway, this sendoff is dedicated to two of the better openers I saw during my time in Oberlin.

There was this dude YACHT who came to campus twice. If you have never seen YACHT, I highly recommend that you do. I've gone to hundreds of shows. His shows are two that completely stand out to me. The first time I saw him was in an apartment. Place was packed and everyone was completely into it but still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Like, he straight up put the place on blast. He danced around and threw himself into the audience over these fractured art-dance beats. Like, I'm at a loss of words for it. It really can only be experienced. I can't find a good version of his live show, so you will have to be left in the dark about how awesome his show is until you experience it for yourself. I also saw Barrington Levy, which was just mindblowing. But, I'm getting nostalgic instead of leaving...

The two videos that I'm going to post I have experience with because I mixed both of them.
The first video is from a band named 54-71. The jury's out on this band. I'm into them though. This is a four-piece coming straight out of the land of the rising sun. They are like a groove band with a terrible emcee, but the low quality of the emcee only adds to the charm of the band and, surprisingly enough, the groove. When I saw them, they were opening for Deerhoof and the drummer's snare was only 10 inches instead of 12, so it had an extra pop. As Patrick Richardson said, every time you hit a 10-inch snare, it's like someone flicking your nipple. And he should know because he's a drummer. But, this show is infamous in my mind because the lead singer had a stream of snot coming from his nose and put his hand over the microphone to avoid getting his nose juice on it. As well, the whole band aside from the lead singer wore full body spandex suits. When they stopped, everyone was confused about whether that was the worst thing they'd ever seen or the best. I clearly thought it was the best. This is the video for 69 My Pheremone Up.



This second band opened for Sleepytime Gorilla Museum although they probably could have held their own show and gotten it well attended. The band is Old Time Relijun. I tend to rant and rave about them a lot, but that's primarily because they remind me of my favorite form of post-punk: no wave. OTR is a three-piece band. The drummer rotates (It was a nice woman named Jamie when I saw them), the bassist plays a stand-up bass, and the lead singer is a renowned throat singer. They were easy to work with, and they were the type of band that I like. They put it all out on the stage and were super professional. Sleepytime had a huge setup. Even though they were late, they took out a corner of the stage, set up in like 15 minutes, didn't sound check, and killed it. I love bands that operate like that. It made my life as a tech super easy. This video is from their most recent album "2012". The song is Wolves and Wolverines.



Have a good night everyone. Internet, I love you, but you would be better if you were a skyscraper.

Afternoon in Bed

There isn't a lot going on today, and I have to cook. I will leave you with this for now. It is North by North from the seminal New Zealand band The Bats. They are really awesome. The title of this post is an allusion to them as well. It's a great song, but there is no video for it. Anyway, dig it.



I will post if something massive comes up, but I have a distinct feeling that it won't. But, I might also blog if I can find something to actually blog about.

Wow, That Sucks!

From CBS News:

A dozen riders on an Arkansas roller coaster spent half an hour hanging upside down — 150 feet above the ground — after a power outage shut down the attraction.

It took about 30 minutes for the city Fire Department to rescue the riders using a ladder truck Saturday evening, said Aundrea Crary, spokeswoman for the Springs & Crystal Falls amusement park.

Spectators cheered when the riders were brought to the ground from the highest point of a loop on the X-Coaster, but one passenger threw up after reaching safety.

I already don't ride roller coasters. This just adds more reason to that.

I Will Prove That My Mind Is A Visual Wasteland With The Following Post

To prove this, I will have to state the following: I grew up watching TONS of MTV. To begin, when I was growing up, I used to watch this show on MTV called Sandblast which was hosted by surfer named Peter and a young Kari Wuhrer. Anyway, the show was a beach-based competition. It was actually pretty interesting, but it was only on for three years. Anyway, it was like American Gladiators in the sense that there was a final challenge that they had to pass. The only thing that I can remember of it is that they had to step on these hydraulic pads to get launched across a pool. Whenever they got to this part of the show, they would play this one song. I learned over time that it was a Luscious Jackson song, but I could never find the song. That is, until now. I present to you Luscious Jackson - Daughter of the Kaos, a song I've had stuck in my head for about a decade now.

If You Would Like To Learn How To Play Basketball

I know how to play basketball. I went to Stu Vetter's Basketball Camp when I was in elementary school. But, my dreams of being an athlete were stopped dead in their tracks when I attempted to try out for middle school basketball and realized that I lacked all semblances of athletic talent. I didn't think when I was 12 that I was going to blog, but I digress. Because of that time at Stu's camp, I do know and appreciate high quality basketball.

If you know nothing about basketball, its strategies and intricacies, I highly suggest you start watching right now. The NBA Finals are going on right now. It is the upstart Cleveland Cavaliers with the heir apparent to Michael Jordan's throne LeBron James. I personally have problems with this classification, but, if you want to talk about that, send me an email. The Cavaliers are playing the San Antonio Spurs. Some of you might not have known that there is a team in San Antonio. Well, there is and it is the team that all other teams and fans should watch to understand how to play basketball. The Spurs are one of the most fundamentally sound teams in the league.

For these MTV-addled kids, The Spurs are what you would call a "boring team." They aren't high flying like the Phoenix Suns or the Golden State (CA) Warriors. None of their players are particularly charismatic like Stephon Marbury or Vince Carter. This last aspect highlighted by the fact that their star player Tim Duncan, who will go down in history as the best power forward ever to set foot on a professional basketball court, has the nickname of the "Big Fundamental" (Are you serious?). The only reason they even get attention from people outside of the basketball world is because their point guard Tony Parker (Balance-toi!) is marrying Eva Longoria. If you don't know what show she's from, click on her name and find out yourself. Also, smite yourself for being out of touch with popular culture. Eva aside, the Spurs play the basketball that all teams should aspire to play. It's team-oriented, without ego, modular with sound fundamentals. Just from watching, you will learn how to play, watch, and critique basketball.

Ladies, are you having problems pulling men? Men, are you having problems connecting with other men because you know nothing about sports while it seems like everyone else you know does? This series is for you. Now, stop reading this and go watch.

p.s. I see basketball as a sort of performance art due to the nature and presentation of the sport. If I remember, I will go into this at another time, maybe between Game 3 and 4, i.e. Tuesday and Thursday. And, I'm serious about basketball as art. This isn't some bullshit theorizing about the nature of sport and its relationship to the cultural sphere.

Disco's For Black People

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I Am a Bad Person After I Admit The Following

Today, I did two things that displays the characteristics of my life: dreaming and procrastination. While I was driving down the road to get some ice cream (I have to drive to do everything), I was listening to an Italo Disco compilation on high volume. While doing this, I found a good track to put on my friend Jessa's mixtape. Every year, I've sent her a tape dependent upon her situation that summer. Last year, she was in small-town Ohio. Year before, she was hanging out at Panther Pond. If she's reading this, the tape this year will be better than both of those combined!

Anyway, that doesn't make me a bad person. This is what makes me a bad person. About three months ago, my friend Elana sent me a care package with a CD, a pack of flowers (I couldn't use these. The front lawn got landscaped, not by my choosing), a pound cake that was delicious, and a copy of Radar. Until today, I hadn't had a chance to read the magazine. Wow, am I a dumbass. It was amazing and I learned way more about Wesley Snipes than I wanted to.

According to the magazine, Snipes is a member of the Nuwaubian movement based in Putnam County, GA. It started in New York, but it has Malachi York as its leader. The movement reminds of Scientology for the following reason. From Radar:

The groups was started int he late 1960s in Brooklyn, where York---a prophet, spritiualist, and according to the group's website, "author of over 350 books" on subjects ranging from Egyptian architecture to alien abductions---lectured to a small band of followers, preaching, among other things, that the world would soon end; that the devil cast a spell thousands of years ago to keep black people spiritually ignorant; that York is an extraterrestrial from the planet Risq; and that malevolent aliens walk among us, poisoning our minds via pop culture. Despite York's more outlandish claims, however, some of his teachings appear to have struck a chord with black nationalists---including rap pioneer Afrika Bambataa and hip-hop aritsts such as Mobb Deep's Prodigy and MF Doom---eager to assert links to the ancient Egyptians.

Now, I'm already familiar with strange Black religious movements such as the Nation of Islam and the presence of the Universal Negro Improvement Association. This is definitely stranger. I should also note that, like the UNIA, the leader of the Nuwaubian movement was arrested. But, unlike Marcus Garvey, York was sentenced to 135 years for sexually molesting boys and girls in the movement. But, imprisonment aside, can you see how this movement is like Scientology. You feel me? Also, if you are of this religion and decide to stop reading my blog, I can't say that I don't blame you because I probably remind you of SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!!!!!

Peacing Out

All of the Paris Hilton coverage has gotten me down, so I'm going to go drink some kool-aid (that's right, haters) and read Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh. My friend Freddie sent it to me, and, as I have no previous experience with Waugh, I have to say I'm genuinely impressed by it. It's a really funny book and strangely salient to the current media obsession with the Hollywood jetset. Another friend is sending me a book about the Mexico City Olympics of 1968. It should be interesting, but I'm hoping that it is not a re-tread of the reading that I did on Muhammad Ali and Black Athletes for my seminar paper on him as an organic intellectual during the civil rights movement, rejecting the roles and ideas already established for him by the white media. In case you're interested in how he did this, all I have to say is no one he fought before he went to jail forgot that his name was Muhammad Ali.

But, that's not really material. On one of my email lists, we've been having a discussion about indiepop and enthusiasm. This is a band that I would be enthusiastic to see: The Wedding Present. This is one of my favorite bands. I would probably go to a desert island with a copy of Seamonsters. That's how much I like The Wedding Present. This is a video for their song My Favorite Dress off of George Best. And yes, it was named after that George Best.



Get off the net. Read a book.

Rap Sounds Dumb

T-Pain, you're hurting me here.

I Have To Post Some Time

Why not post a video of Stetsasonic doing a hot song. I wanted to put up white lines or a mantronix song, but that was not going to pan out. I've been absorbed by Paris Hilton coverage. I didn't say that I wasn't going to follow the story. I just said I wasn't going to blog about it anymore. If you need coverage, here.



It's hot today. You'll have to cut me some slack.

I Cannot Try, I'm Sorry

Skeletons and the Kings of All Cities are a fantastic band that all of you should listen to. I went to school with those cats. They're nice guys who know what they are doing and where they are going. You should give them your support if you care about the underground. They've got a new album out called Lucas. Go cop that shit.

This video is not from them on the other hand. This is a Giorgio Moroder video for From Here to Eternity.



I just can't try anymore. I've been at this for about eleven hours and it gets taxing blogging. I'm serious about that. So, I'm going to stop here and soak in some air conditioning for a minute because we just got a rogue heat wave in these parts. I'm back in the game tomorrow bright and early.

I Have To Go Off About This

As everyone knows, I try to avoid ranting because I have a problem of ending up in a completely different place than I started, but, for this rant, it is very, very simple: Paris Hilton is not news.

Today, I have seen the mainstream media obsess about Paris Hilton leaving jail to be placed under house arrest. She's not important at all. What has Paris Hilton actually done? What? Nothing at all. She opened her legs and got filmed doing it. Oh, and this is on top of her throwing homophobic and racial slurs around, dissing her friends, flaking out on appearances, and being a terrible role model for young girls who invariably follow her every waking move because any magazine with a mostly female readership is obligated to cover her.

Amongst other things that happened today, Oman got hammered by a cyclone which killed 25 people and another 26 are missing. We have suffered the 3,500th Death in Iraq today. We're already over that actually. Also, in a tie to Iraq, Lebanon and Palestine are about to go to war with each other. And we have President Bush in Germany endangering the long-term health of the planet by not accepting limits on carbon emissions. But, none of this is important. What is more important is the fact that a woman with no discernable talents of any sort is getting out of jail 20 days before she is supposed to.

Words do not express my anger at this situation. When I grew up (and this is like maybe 13-14 years ago), news was about important current events. It was a place that you went to learn about the day's happenings in the world, in Congress, in your local community. It was intended to be an informational source, keeping people up to date and making them effective, informed citizens. News departments were not held to the same standard as entertainment because news was never intended to be entertainment; it was intended to be informational, and information is not always the most exciting thing. Unfortunately, this ethos has disappeared. Now, when I open my RSS feed from supposedly the best name in journalism (CNN), I am surrounded with fluff pieces about Paula Abdul and Paris Hilton. This isn't news; this is entertainment. And entertainment is fine when it is not considered real news. But, when you start calling it real news, you are doing a disservice to the public at large.

The public has lost sources of news. They have been replaced with infotainment, some weird hybrid to attract people like me (youth demographics, 18-35) to it. But, on the contrary, it has repelled me. I think my breaking point was the commercial free coverage of Anna Nicole Smith. When it happened, I saw people pontificating and thinking about it and thought someone important had died. Then I realized: it's fucking Anna Nicole Smith, a gold digging has-been playmate.

I came to understand that my dreams of actual news on television that didn't involve white kids (they don't have by-the-minute coverage of searches for Black kids and we all know it), white girls (same logic as above plus girls are oh so useless, they can't do anything without the help of the mainstream media), and celebrities was exactly that: a dream. It actually makes me really sad to say that the news has become self-defeating. It really does. Between the run-up to the war, the non-stop coverage of reality programming like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, and the constant coverage of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on CNN and MSNBC, the mainstream media is lighting its own path to self-destruction. Apparently, people dying in Iraq, the unfurling of the new Watergate, the lack of agreement on immigration, the disregard for civility in Washington, the rollback of Women's rights, the obstinacy of the Bush administration, and the allowance of torture and unjust military prisons isn't really important if Paris Hilton gets let out of jail early or a little pretty white girl is lost.

If I sound cynical, I am. I'm just fed up with the state of news right now. I want news to be news again instead of being bullshit like it is now. But, with the constant coverage of Paris Hilton, I'll be assured that this will not happen any time soon.

Sharpton Cares

Sharpton on the Dead One. Apparently, he still speaks for me. I don't know when he was last politically relevant, but it had to of been back in the mid-1990's.

Watch Out New York!

You might run into Tyra doing one of her self-indulgent undercover pieces now. I'm completely uninspired by Tyra Banks. Actually, I would be inspired before listening to Tyra Banks, but then she zapped any inspiration that I would have because I would have to realize that the empowerment she's preaching would turn me into a overt, unapologetic narcissist and that's not fierce, yo.

I Don't See The Problem Here

According to The Times (UK), an Irish schoolmaster wants parents to start wearing normal clothing when dropping their kids off in the morning. Apparently, the schoolmaster thinks it sets a bad example for the kids to see parents rolling into campus in their pajamas.

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. They are clothed are they not? The parents are not keeping their kids out of school are they? Is it because they are women? Whatever it is, this guy needs to find something new to do with his time because this is really not a substantial problem in any way.

A New Approach

In England, society is not fighting against street toughs with guns, crackdowns, and other questionable methods. Oh no. Instead, society is fighting gangs with Cliff Richard records. Yes, that's right. Music is fighting the plight of street crime. According to the Guardian, Seth Carter, the owner of a fair in Essex, was bothered by the presence of 20 youths in hoodies. They were upsetting the families and making the environment uncomfortable. Carter remembered that Cliff Richard was playing on another ride that the youths wouldn't touch. So, he used that logic and played him over the entire system. The hoods ran out of the park "before the track was half over."

I didn't know who Cliff Richard was, so I looked it up on YouTube. Yo, this dude sucks. I don't have a problem with softer music, but this is terrible. Judge for yourself:



I would flee the fair if I heard this over the loudspeaker as well.

Blood Bananas

The Columbian banana company Chiquita is being sued by the families of 173 people who accuse them of paying money to the United Self-Defense Forces of Columbia (AUC). Chiquita has already been censured by the United States at a rate of $25 Million US. The problem with sponsoring AUC is that they are a right-wing paramilitary group who has been engaged in an ongoing war with FARC for the country and have been deemed a terrorist organization by the US. So, think about that the next time you buy a banana, especially if it is a Chiquita. That Chiquita banana you may be eating is covered in the blood of Columbians.

I Don't Know What To Say

So, in addition to making up new names for diseases to sell drugs in advertising, the medical world has now created a name for playing too many video games. They call it Wiiitis, pronounced wii-eye-tis. It affects people who play too much Wii Tennis. I literally don't know what to say about this. Is this even a real affliction? Shouldn't you already be questioning yourself enough if you are playing so much Wii as to fall victim to such a pointless problem? I really need the world to give me a break from time to time instead of having such pointless problems.

Wheelchairs Have More Fun

From the AP:

A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said.

Yes, yes, yes. There are two brilliant parts to this story. The first part being that the wheelchair-bound man was not upset about getting stuck to a truck, but was upset about spilling his soda. Also, I like the fact that the truck driver did not know that the guy in the wheelchair was attached to the grill of his truck. That is really something right there.

Britain Needs To Have a Talk

First, Indian actress Shilpa Shetty was harassed and insulted racially within the Celebrity Big Brother house in England. In less than a year, Britain has another racially charged Big Brother situation. In this case, a young white girl is being thrown out of the house for calling a black woman a nigger. Black people, white people, all people: nigger is not a joke phrase. Language is serious, and many people will take offensive if you use it incorrectly. And believe me, I know.

Bush and Putin Sitting in a Tree

I guess that my cold war dreams are no more. Damn you, Bush. You dream stomper!

Paris Hilton is Dead To Me

From herein, unless she saves the world or gets involved in a beef with Lindsay Lohan or another celebrity that I actually care about, Paris Hilton is dead to the editorial staff of Oh Stewardess...

Why you may ask? She was let out of jail today for medical reasons. It might just be me watching too much Oz, but the last time I checked, if you have a problem in jail, you go to the prison doctor who can usually do something about that. In the report from the AP, Hilton was refusing to eat the food being served to her. Boo hoo. I have no sympathy for Hilton. None.

She's going to be on house arrest for the last 40 days of her sentence, but that's bullshit. House arrest isn't really punishment. Hell, I'm on voluntary house arrest now and it's really easy. The only problem I might have with real house arrest is walking to my mailbox.

So, with this new travesty of justice going, I have decided that enough is enough. Paris Hilton is dead to this blog now except in extreme circumstances as noted above. And, if you think I'm lying, try me.

Criss Angel: The Debate Continues

On the heels of his show Mindfreak's third season's premiere where he floated above the light at the top of the Luxor pyramid in Las Vegas and his is-he-or-isn't-he-dating-Cameron-Diaz drama, it has become time for me to discuss possibly one of the strangest people of all time: Criss Angel. I don't mean this as an insult or anything of the sort. I am saying that he is strange because he's just a older Greek boy from Long Island who astounds and mystifies the masses with completely psycho magic tricks. Now, I was one of those people who saw all of the decoding magic specials that Fox used to show back in its halcyon days, so I thought I knew everything that there was to know about magic. Not only was I wrong, Criss Angel's existence helped to prove that I was dead wrong. Now, the question is about Criss Angel's existence, which is what I will discuss here.

This fascination with his existence started in the summer of 2005 when a friend and I were watching Mindfreak. I can't remember exactly what he did, but it led to the friend exclaiming that Criss Angel was the antichrist. Now, I've watched a lot of Criss Angel since that time and some of his tricks make me still wonder: is this guy supernatural or is he really just an antichrist disguised in all black and too many chains?

Proof for his supernatural abilities can be seen with the show. Whenever he does a trick on his show, he spends a considerable amount of time working to prove that he is doing the trick for real, that there are no trick cameras or anything of the sort (read: cheats that were pointed out during the Fox specials on magic). After spending all of this time, he then finds random people to participate with him. And by random, I mean primarily young, attractive, buxom young females. These tricks are usually varying and regularly mindblowing. He also does all of his tricks in front of people as well. For example, he supported himself horizontally on one foot and also levitated a girl with other people holding her in front of a live audience. He also split himself in half in front of an audience, doing a variation on the traditional sawing the girl in half trick. They are really cool tricks that he does, and he, as his name would suggest, freaks everyone's mind.

Also, since levitations and sawing in half are more standard tricks and he isn't standard, Criss Angel also does a lot of mentalist tricks. For example, Criss drove Mandy Moore's car through Los Angeles to a restaurant she wanted to go to and ordered for her, all without her saying anything. She only thought about what she wanted to do and communicated nothing to Criss Angel except for when he was clear making a left-hand turn. Oh right, I almost forgot. He did the entire thing blindfolded with half-dollars taped down on his eyes, just for the people who are always naysaying his skills. Also, he worked his way into a new car just by guiding himself with the spirit of the car dealer to the keys. This is genuinely non-magic stuff that's really, really impressive, especially if there are no tricks involved.

But, with this talent, come some downsides. In particular, the fact that Criss Angel may or may not be the anti-christ. He talks about the trinity of controlling one's mind, body, and spirit. Now, I'm not saying anything, but that sounds slightly satanic, does it not? Give your body to the occult! Also, he torments us with these terrible interludes involving some random characters and him singing his own theme song. I know you like music, Criss. It's on your wikipedia page, but you don't have to sing your own theme song. That's what Tom Green did and what Robert Goulet would do if he had his own television show. And, additionally, he might be the anti-christ because many of his tricks are utterly mindblowing and could only be done by people who are of the underworld because, even though he could change water into wine, God can't float down from a 26th floor balcony indoors over thousands of people who had no idea he was doing the trick.

In the end, the magic of Criss Angel is very contentious. A lot of people, like myself, believe that Criss Angel is very good and may not be of this world, as this discussion has suggested. Others believe that he is a huge fraud who can't actually do any magic. I went on Youtube. I watched the video. None of it was convincing and is purely conjecture to prove that they can know everything, which no one can. The conspiracy theorists on JFK are closer to a right answer than the Criss Angel naysayers. Anyway, his talents and demonstrations are very impressive. If you haven't watched before, watch Criss Angel on A&E and get back to me about which side of the line you think he lays on. Is he just a supernaturally gifted human or is he something more sinister than that. If you have, leave a comment about what you think of this.

Marley Marl

I leave tonight with a tribute to Marley Marl. He's laid up right now, recovering from a heart attack. I only hope the best for him. I wanted to post a video of The Symphony, but I couldn't find the video. I know that exists because I've seen it. Anyway, this is a video from a group that he worked with back in the early part of the 1990's: Lords of the Underground. This track is a straight burner by the name of Chief Rocka. Put this song on around a true hip-hop head and their head won't stop moving for like four minutes.



As an unrelated bonus, if thinking about a dude recovering from heart attack is too serious for you, here is a video from exotica composer Martin Denny. It is for his song Quiet Village. It reminds me of Orientalism in a lot of ways, but it's a good video regardless.

Fall Out Boy: The New Dylan?

Today, the folks over at Idolator discuss an article from The New York Post about the management company that works for both Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco along with others. The article calls them the hair metal of the 2000's. I would generally agree with this sentiment. The music is uncreative, uninteresting, and uninspired like hair metal. But, unlike hair metal, I don't like this emo/punk-pop crap that is playing on the radio all of the time, but angsty teenage girls love it. Anyway, regardless of my loathing for the issue, I have to call Poppycock to the following paragraph:

To [Fall Out Boy Bassist Pete] Wentz, it's all just white noise. He sees himself as one in a long line of great artists who, in their prime, were profoundly misunderstood: "You know, Bob Dylan plugged in and everyone started booing," he says. "Thirty years later, he's hailed as one of the greatest artists of all time. There are plenty of ways to get rich. It's very easy. But if you want to be involved in this, you want to be involved for the legacy of your art.

After I stopped laughing out loud, I have to wonder what the hell Pete Wentz was smoking/drinking before he decided to give this gem of a quote. Firstly, for clarification, before he plugged in, Bob Dylan was already considered one of the greatest singer-songwriters of all time, representing the sound and spirit of an entire era. People were mad at him going electric because they felt that he was going to abandon his folk roots and lose his political edge. Secondly, this dream requires a lot of hope on Pete Wentz's part. A two component hope in fact. Firstly, he has to hope that people remember his music thirty years from now, a lofty goal seeing as they only have four albums in the last five years. Additionally, if they are remembered by that point in time, Fall Out Boy has to hope that they stand out from the cacophony of other boy bands that wear too much eye makeup and cry such as My Chemical Romance and the aforementioned Panic. If he really believes that quote to be true, I can only say one thing to him: good luck because that's the only way his musical legacy will extend for more than 10 years and that's only because of music nerds like me who remember flashes in the pan from our youths such as Believe by Dig.



In my mind, this will be Fall Out Boy because I'm confident many of you read that last sentence and went who the hell is Dig.

I'm Not Going To Drone On About This

Now, we all know that Andrew Speaker, the one who flew internationally with TB, is a dumbass. There's pretty much a general consensus on that. The better question is who is stupider? The guy who thought it was a good idea to expose hundreds of people to a strain of disease that has been, for the most part, neutralized in this country, so no solid eradication plan exists in case of an outbreak? Or the news media who continues to cover this absolute non-story? This coverage is as bad as the 24 hour coverage that is Paris Hilton: Behind Bars. I feel like I'm in a Remy Zero song. I need someone to save me.

He's Not My Candidate

At some point earlier on this blog, I've noted that, although he is the best chance that America has of having a Black president, Barack Obama is not my candidate. I think that he is like Clinton: all flash, no substance. I'm not a person to be swayed by someone just because they are in my grill all of the time. I don't know, guess it's who I am. If I were impressed that way, my room would be covered in Fergie posters, but I digress.

From the outpost of Blackness that is the Black Agenda Report, a man with a Nation of Islam pseudonym talks about the conundrum of Barack Obama being the new Black leadership even though at multiple points in time he has not only disavowed his own Blackness but also criticized other Blacks who have recognized that their race has forced them into something of a second-class citizen. Obama himself has said that there is no such thing as Black America, something that all Black Americans know is not true. It uses a lot of pseudo-intellectual Nation speak (if you don't know, read The Final Call and you'll understand), but it is a good article nonetheless. Read it and you'll understand further why I don't support Barack Obama.

Why I Don't Like Stereogum

I have it in my RSS reader, but I usually find myself disappointed with its coverage of music as it is NY-centric and generally uninventive, following the general indie line. I'm also mad as they, a week after WFMU posted about it and I blogged about, have just posted on Legion of Rock Stars and their concept of pure pleasure. I'm not going to shank a bitch or anything like that, I'm just saying that they need to step their game up. They aren't that busy. Their job is my non-job: to read the internet and post about it. Call it hating if you want. I only have one response: HATE HATE HATE HATE!

I'm Not Sure I Want This Harlem Shake

From The New York Post:

A Harlem man has filed suit against the makers of the nutritional drink Boost, charging that the protein shake gave him the wrong kind of lift.

Christopher Woods said that drinking cans of Boost Plus Nutritional Energy Drink left him with an erection that wouldn't go away.

According to papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, Woods was "caused to suffer and sustain severe bodily injuries" from "the erection that would not subside."

Now, I know men who drank Boost all of the time and this never happened to them. But, regardless, I think this dude was doing something more than drinking Boost to get an erection that wouldn't go away, as Boost is for old people and we all know old people can't get wood.

Now, without using Adspeak, I'll defend this.

The image to the left is the image that will be used for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. There has been a lot of discussion in the news and sports worlds about this particular logo. Most people are, in fact, pissed about this logo. Many say that it reminds them of street art a/k/a graffiti, and that it is an eyesore. Others say that it is a defamation of the long, illustrious history of the Olympics. I say all of these people are wrong for one reason: Day-Glo.

To respond to the negative nellies in the crowd, this logo is totally legible and completely says 2012. I don't even have to think about it. It's right there in clockwise order no less. Those folks are clearly out of touch. They can probably remember Greg Louganis winning back in 1984 or Roger Bannister breaking the four-minute mile.

Old fogies aside, a lot of people are saying this new logo is ugly. I would maybe agree with them if this logo didn't use something that I completely love, which are day glo colors. The fact that this Olympics has taken on such a rave feeling is amusing for now, but it will soon become an outdated relic for its time, much like the new rave movement in England which has adopted the bright colors, a seeming meaninglessness of action, and never-ending partying that signified the past rave movement. But, like with the new and "old" rave movement, we should celebrate the vibrancy and image now instead of letting it be criticized and decried. We live in the now, not in the future, not in the past. Let's celebrate this logo in the now because it is cool and fun. We will wake up in 2012 and see this logo again. Some might wonder. Some might hate. I'll still like it because it will remind me of a special event and the spirit of that event: drug-fueled dancing in clubs and really bright colors. I don't just like that prospect. I love it.

But She Doesn't Want A Reality Show

How else do you explain this get up then. It's like the 80's, Mad Max, and a corset got into a fight in Posh's closet. Honestly atrocious. I'm post-words on this outfit.

Photo Source.

Only Because I Love Looking at These Photos

I'm obliged to tell you that the lass in the photos with Ms. Lohan is one Vanessa Minnillo. If you don't know who she is, you're not alone as pretty much no one else knows who she is. But, fear not, I kind of do.

Vanessa Minnillo is the current girlfriend of former 98 Degrees hunk and former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey. He started dating her almost immediately after divorcing Jessica. I swear that Minnillo looked different, but that's just me probably being unobservant. Anyway, if you are still asking yourself who she is, she was a host on the now-canned TRL and Entertainment Tonight, a nice piece of brand synergy right there (ET is owned by Viacom, which owns MTV).

Actually, I've just said all of this, but it's all for naught because I really don't care about her. The only thing I care about is more of these photos appearing.

The Best Way To Start the Day

Why should I give you news that you can use when I can tell you that British model and U.S. Reality television "star" Jordan, after having her baby, will have some vaginal reconstruction surgery.

When asked about this, she said:

I wouldn't be doing it because I want to be smaller, because Pete likes me the way I am.

But, and women who've had kids will know what I'm talking about, sometimes you're not as tight down there as you'd like afterwards. Sometimes if you cough or sneeze a bit of wee comes out! I just have to cross my legs and hope it doesn't trickle down my leg.

"It's not really a designer vagina I'm considering, but I'll probably get a couple of extra stitches put in while they're down there!

What a way to start the posting. Also, you really should read the article. It's quite profound. And by profound, I mean I've lost at least 20 IQ points just reading it through to completion.

Supernatural or Satan: You Decide

I'm going to pontificate about this a bit longer, lay out both sides of this argument. But, I will whet your palate with this video of Criss Angel, misguided goth rocker and magician, walking across water.

I'm actually surprised so many people got this wrong

In my continuous combing of the Internet, I came across an article from LA Weekly about Ray Bradbury and his master work Fahrenheit 451. According to Bradbury, a longtime LA resident, all of the academics have been completely wrong about his book. Instead of the interpretation that Francois Truffaut took in the film or the long-held understanding preached by academics, Bradbury insists that the book is about the death of literature at the hands of television because he understands television to be an societal opiate. While I always thought he was criticizing the government, I will concede that this explanation makes perfect sense, and I should have thought about it when I was thinking about this work.

The Crazy Stories Come Out in the Summer

Every year or two, there is a story about a state in the Northeast that wants to secede from the rest of the union. This isn't usually a problem because it never really gets any momentum in actuality. The separation just ends up being a good idea on paper. According to the Associated Press, Vermont is the newest state trying to separate from the United States.

According to the meeting that was held, there were only about 300 people who were for secession. Polling indicates that 13% of the state is behind the idea of secession. Now, just for the record, I'm not calling Vermonters crazy or anything of the sort. Actually, I hope this secession works out well for Vermont. That way I can buy duty-free booze on the cheap. See, this secession helps everyone!

The Day That China Was Challenged

The students fought back against the Communist party in China on this day 18 years ago. While many died, their struggles will not be forgotten even though the Chinese government tries to say that it didn't really happen. I still see this picture and it blows my mind. That's the truth.

He's Right, You Know

I wouldn't have expected Jarvis Cocker to say this, but he's absolutely right. The popular talent shows never pick the best talent.

Post 250

For post 250, I'm telling you, the reader, that I won't be posting heavily on Tuesday. Along with trivia, I am going to catch up on my Footballer Wive$ before the beginning of the new season. If you haven't watched this show before, I suggest that you should watch it because it is one of the best dramas on television right now. It's way better than Grey's and Desperate Housewives combined. Done.

This is what I really think about all day

And you thought my mind was more occupied with heady pursuits of celebrity fascination. Iio - Rapture, Cassius - 1999, and Benny Benassi with his quintessentially techno video for Satisfaction. Honestly, this video is what I think of when I think of Euro clubs without the power tools.







Four on the floor. Four on the floor. Everything's better on the floor.

In The Ongoing Jodie Marsh Saga

Apparently, Jodie Marsh won't be finding a husband on television. According to Holy Moly!, the show Totally Jodie Marsh has already been canned before even making it on television. She got two people in one audition and a high of EIGHT in the other. But this is not actually why the show is getting canned. The show is getting canned because Jodie Marsh....is already in a relationship. Fancy that. From a woman who talked about wanting to have sex with five guys at one time. But, to his detriment, we know that his name is Matt Peacock and he's a male model, not a male prostitute. Actually, scratch that. He might be a male prostitute if he's dating Jodie Marsh and has previously dated Jordan. Eww.

A Conversation between Posh and Cam'ron

CD: Oh my god, Victoria! What a surprise to see you here!
VB: Hey, Cameron! I know, I was in the area and I figured I'd drop in.
CD: What were you doing over this way?
VB: Turning tricks in the alley. Couldn't you tell?
CD: Yea, I should have known better, your bra showing in the back should have tipped me off. I'm feeling slow today. I have too much on my mind.
VB: Like what? You're attending a movie show. We'll get wasted afterwards.
CD: I know, but it's your dress. It's confusing me. It's zebra print!
VB: Yea. It's totally hot right?
CD: Er, yea...
VB: Anyway, what else is on your mind?
CD: This dress.
VB: Why? It's totally hot.
CD: I know, but I have to take my time doing things. Otherwise, I'll slip and the whole world will see what's underneath this skirt. I mean, this thing barely covers my nonexistent ass.
VB: Cam, whatevs. We'll just ball out, two streetwalkers at the MTV awards.
CD: Alright, plus, I don't know where my new dick is anyway.
VB: Isn't he behind you?
(CD turns around and kisses boyfriend)
CD: Hey you!

Photo Source

This is Why I Pay Attention To Lindsay Lohan

When Lindsay Lohan went to rehab for the first time, my heart sank a little bit. My mind applauded because she was getting the help that she so direly needed. My heart was sad because that crazy redhead starlet's antics were so much fun! The coke-filled rants. Crashing cars. Always partying and forcing your way on to the turntables. Oh, such lovely days. But, with her, I thought such revelations of Lindsay doing something shocking had gone away. Clearly, I was wrong.

As Lindsay goes into her second stint in rehab, new photos have turned up of Ms. Lohan. The best way that they can be described is as hot pseudo-lesbian knife fetish in a random house. Apparently, these photos were taken only a few weeks ago. The validity of this is immaterial to me. They could be photoshopped for all I care. These photos have now restored all faith that I had in Lindsay Lohan. This is the Lohan I know and love. This is why my heart didn't want Lindsay Lohan to sober up, even though the mind knows what is actually good for the girl. Lindsay, if you are reading this, please continue to do crazy shit. It is why I love you, Ms. Lohan.

I'm Speechless

When I thought that the news couldn't get any crazier, any weirder, I come across this gem from the AP. Mike Tyson, disgraced former World Boxing champ, will possibly act in Bollywood movies. I didn't mistype. I said Bollywood, the multi-hour singing and dancing romantic epics coming out of the Indian metropolis of Mumbai. I probably won't watch these because I'm not a huge Bollywood fan, but I know that other people do and may or may not flip their shit upon viewing.

White Kids and Gang Signs

I have talked a lot about hip-hop on this blog over the last month or so, as it has been a pretty hot button issue in American culture. Today, I came across an article from The Boston Globe via Feministing about the relationship between white kids, the "ghetto", and rap culture.

The crux of the argument revolves around a premise that many have been arguing for a long time, which is that the music has become a representation, fairly or unfairly, for all Black people. Because so many of the consumers of hip-hop have no experience with the ideas presented in most hip-hop, these white suburbanites have fetishized and exoticized ideas of living in the ghetto. Unfortunately, such fetishizing has led to negative images for all Black people regardless of our actual connection to hip-hop culture and rap music. This idea is a fairly similar one that happened back in the late 19th and early 20th Centuries called minstrelsy when white people dressed up as if they were black, covering their faces in burnt cork and shucking and jiving like "authentic negroes" did in those times.

Many thought we had passed this point in our society, where Black people were no longer being exoticized and used to amuse and entertain the white people in the country. Black music has produced many heroes for its own culture such as James Brown and George Clinton, but that has passed again with the rise of artists like 50 Cent and Lil' Jon who fill the minds of these impressionable American youth with images of Black people standing on the corner, drinking 40s, and slanging crack. This is bad enough within itself. But, as the article notes, this is made worse by the presence of "ghetto parties" based of these white kids' understanding of what it means to be ghetto as taught to them by outlets such as Flavor of Love (I already know) and the rappers that are being promoted by the white record executives who decided to hold up the principles of nihilism and excess capitalism. Although, to rap's defense, no rapper I know talks about dressing up in blackface, which the kids do at these offensive parties.

The parties are shocking, but this is the most shocking part of the entire article:

When [Professor] Price brought up the subject of ghetto parties in his Northeastern classroom, he says his white students reacted by saying, "So what? " They considered ghetto parties no more harmful than toga parties, says Price.

I think that this is fitting of why so many people of color have problems with white adoption of hip-hop culture. No one in hip-hop is saying that white kids can't be a part of it, but, if you are going to be a part of it, you have to understand it. Hip-hop has been political since Kool Herc started moving a record back and forth under a stylus. Rapping, breaking, graf writing, and scratching were the initial tools to make disenfranchised voices heard because they were so frequently silenced and are still silenced now. The fact that these kids don't understand that we have had to go through century upon century of having my fellow men and women stereotyped as lazy, lascivious, poor, morally bankrupt, violent, and content with being the literal footrest for the White population leaves me with seething anger throughout my body. It genuinely offends me that they cannot understand this most simple of concepts of the Black experience. It makes me wonder if anything that our schools have been trying to teach us about the struggles of Martin Luther King have stuck with these kids in any meaningful way.

If you are a white kid who is ignorant, negligent, stupid enough to think that it is a good idea to show up to a party in gold chains, wearing clothing four sizes too big, and in fucking blackface, I don't want you listening to my music. I don't want you to listen to the music that represents my people's struggle out of the hood. I don't want you even being connected to the culture because this display shows that you don't have a basic understanding of who hip-hop represents and what it means when it says that it is a global culture. Hell, I might punch you out, and I never raised a hand against others.

A Word to the Wise

While this is a sad story about a Japanese kid getting killed, I hope that it teaches everyone an important lesson: Don't Fuck with Komodo Dragons. The National Geographic Channel told me this years ago. I can only hope that others learn this invaluable lesson.

You Think This is a Game? You Think is a Fucking Game?

The cold war was real. The new cold war is real. Where's the turtle telling me to duck and cover?

Posh the Street Walker

Now, I know that Europe likes to break out of the mold and do things that us more puritanical Americans, but there is an invisible line that is drawn in the sand, reminding us that no matter what continent you are from: wrong is wrong.

This can be said for one Mrs. David Beckham, Victoria Beckham.


Now, I'm not one to criticize, but this is on a level with our current crazy fashionista Britney Spears. The exposed, mismatch bra. The absurd zebra print. The heavy swoops. I guess I'd rather have the heavy swoops than the cheap weaves that Britney has been rocking as of late as she tries to do her best Samuel L Jackson imitation. I kind of want the two of them to get into a catfight to find out who can be the tackiest. Posh's dress can go against Britney's two-animal pattern bra in a death match.

Photo Source

Posh Won't Kill The Natives

According to TMZ, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has decided to back out of her reality show with NBC, saying that family comes before fame. Really? So, you have just been walking around like a madwoman, making appearances in public with other moderately famous people just for the fun of it? Most people when they want to make friends join a book club or a bowling league. Oh wait, that's right. Posh can't lift a bowling ball. Whatever was I thinking?

Proud to be a Washingtonian

If you live in New York, you have stories that are quintessentially New York. I don't really know what these stories are made of because I have never spent more than a few days in New York in my life. But, a place that I have spent a lot of time is my hometown of Washington, D.C. While the rest of you think that the city is Neoclassical revival lowrises, stuffy white guys in suits, brown-nosing kids who work for a little more than minimum wage, and free museums, you'd be only 10% right. You'd be forgetting about the violence, the gentrification, the drugs, and the governmental oversight. Unless you've lived it, it's nothing to really be proud of.

But, I did and I am. I like violent, crazy D.C. way more than safe, sanitized D.C. and I think that a lot of the old school Washingtonians might agree with me. I mean, I like not getting shot, but I do miss the character that all that murder brought. The carryouts were better when the city was violent. Anyway, this weekend at the yearly Unifest in SE, a quintessentially D.C. thing happened. A woman drove through the festival, harming 40 people, but that's not the best part of this story. The woman's car eventually stopped and people pulled her out of the car and proceeded to beat the crap out her. But, this is not what makes this quintessentially D.C. This whole event happened, and here's why it's D.C., because the woman was extraordinarily, stupidly high on CRACK! Yes, that's right! A woman in D.C. causes havoc because she's high on crack. From a city that was run and is still represented by a crackhead (Marion Barry, proud city councilman for Ward 8.), this is a story that could only happen in D.C. and reminds me of why I love the city because it's certainly not because of the government and the ivy leaguers who aren't people that I went to high school with.

She Leads a Life of Crime

Oh, in case you didn't know, Paris Hilton has decided to go off to jail now. TMZ has way more coverage than the link I just referred you to. In addition, TMZ has posts on Paris's living situation, her meals, her trip, her last hours out. Anything you could want to know about Paris Hilton and her trip to the clink can be found out from TMZ.com. And if that isn't good enough for you, TMZ has listed ways for you to write letters and visit the embattled celebutant.

Honestly, this is something that shouldn't have been covered because it furthers the idea that Paris Hilton is an actual celebrity. Yes, she is a real person, but I'm a real person too. And I, like Hilton, have done nothing to further my celebrity in life and don't reference anything involving National Lampoon as proof. Those straight-to-video movies are jokes and do not further anything except the distance between these shitty new movies and old classics involving Chevy Chase. Also, if I wanted to, I could probably have a reality show on television now too. The Simple Life is not really an accomplishment that I want to write home about, but Paris and Kathy probably talk about it all of the time. She would talk to Pops but he's busying making money to be blown away (no pun intended).

So, with this all said, I am declaring a moratorium on Paris Hilton for the next 22 days. She's in jail and she's not really important in my own life, so I'm not going to talk about her. And I'm actually going to hold up my moratorium unlike those punk ass bitches over at the Associated Press.

The First Reality Show

With the glut of reality programming that comes on television now, it is nice to recall the more pleasant times when Fox showed programming like When Animals Attack and When Good Times Go Bad along with Melrose Place (Heather Locklear, you evil bitch) and Party of Five. In those days, Fox was on the forefront of creating the phenomenon of that floods our television now and has a channel dedicated to it, and no I'm not talking about MTV.

Fox went out above everyone with the brilliance that is Cops. It is the simplest of all concepts of all time: put camera crew with police cops, ride with police cops on calls, videotape all happenings. The sheer simplicity of this show is why it succeeded. We were put in shotgun to experience what it is like to be a cop, to chase down a crackhead that's hopping fences, or going to a domestic dispute. We have no better idea of what is going on than the cops; it's a radical and very fun idea. It reminds me of cinema verité in its lack of a clear plot or connectedness other than the fact that the people involved are cops.

This program started back in the 1980's and has, according to Wikipedia, shown over 650 episodes. Clearly, Cops has done something right. What it has done is make one of the first but the best reality show of all time. The informational tips aside, Cops still has its own character and doesn't feel like it has been sold out. I understand that Cops can't drop a product in here, but I mean that the situations and "players" are far more real than in other reality shows. The scriptedness of a lot of other shows is far too great for me and gets me into fairly complex structuralist arguments with myself about the (non) reality of reality and questions of authorship and detachment (read: things I deal with in art history). It is nice to watch a show where genuine emotions and reactions are present and shown in the forefront. It reminds me of the halcyon days of The Real World in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco when the roommates were starkly different and true tensions would boil up in the house. In two of those seasons, people left the house (David and Puck, if my memory serves me correctly). The shit was straight up raw funk. And the camera crew did not invade or intrude. They were neutral observers who were just following along.

Cops still lives by this simple mantra. As much as I love Project Runway, I can't watch it all of the time. There's all this built-in drama, an overanxious editor, and a lot of pomp and circumstance. I don't have to worry about that with Cops, as it is always consistent and simple. I can always turn the show on and not have to figure out what is going on or what they are supposed to be doing. Cops every week is three vignettes on the seedier side of America done documentary style, and that simplicity of concept is why it is the boss of the reality show.

While I'm Condemning Bad Television

Next up on the chopping block is Sunset Tan. Sunset Tan is pretty clearly what it sounds like. E! has decided to follow the ups and downs of the high pressure, big money world of tanning in L.A. Firstly, I am going to make an observation here. In a place where it is regularly sunny and surrounded by beaches, why would people in L.A. go to a tanning salon? I mean, there's no rainy season in L.A. I know, contrary to the Tony Toni Tone song, it does rain in L.A., but not all of the time or for huge extended periods. Seeing as this show exists, tanning is clearly popular. I guess this is what having a lot of disposable income does to people.

In addition to its bland, uninteresting topic, this show is also one that has yet to build its celebrity audience...like Blow Out (Dude, Cindy Margolis and Alia Shawkat?! I love Arrested Development, but you're trying to pull Maeby as star power. Antin, you need to try again, DUDE!). In the episode that I'm watching now, two girls have the most awkward interaction with Chris Kattan. Chris mothafuckin' Kattan. This bitch is best known for being Corky Romano. Also, the best that the girls behind the counter could come up with is Chris Kattan, You need a tan! Are you fucking serious? Like this is the best taunt you could come up with for Chris Kattan? These girls are classically Southern California. Bottle blond, huge boobs, nice figures with little to say. I'm amazed that they did that well. And as I type that, the girl says she is hot and bothered by him. Additionally, one of the girls was talking about how shaking hands with Kattan made her boob shake. And, boy, did it shake! But, that's immaterial right now because the awkwardness was amplified by ten when his wife shows back up again. Even still it wasn't as amusing as other reality moments.

Additionally, some of the hotshot spray tanners goes to Vegas, and one of them is in a relationship. But, he has crazy girls climbing all over him. Not just crazy girls. Crazy NAKED girls. While this is the single man's fantasy, home dude's not so jazzed. And, his boss is pissed because he DOESN'T want naked girls climbing all over him, biting him, and being generally hot in his presence while paying him to be there to spray a tan on. This moment has almost legitimated this show for me. A sleazy older man tells his younger worker that if he doesn't want girls climbing all over him, he needs to go back to Los Angeles. Brilliant, but it just keeps up E!'s track record of shitty reality programming.

Aside from reality shows, E! is also really bad at list programming. They tried to copy the well-tested method of Video Hits 1 of putting no-name NYC and LA comics and low-budget actors in front of a blue screen, paying them peanuts, and telling them to say something funny about something they may or may not know about (I don't believe that Michael Ian Black loved the 1970s). While they may not have known anything about what they were talking about, it was generally amusing to hear folks such as Black, Beth Littleford, and Rachael Harris go off on random topics. E! tried to do this as well, but the only thing that E! has going for it is the presence of Chelsea Handler (she helps to prove that those crazy broads can tell jokes). Everyone else is absolutely terrible. I rarely see an actual funny person on these shows. E!, a note for you: Kelly Packard is not funny! Just because she was on Baywatch and Ripley's Believe it or Not! does not mean that's qualified to comment on stuff in a humorous, effective manner. Also, their list programs are way too long. They spend too much time on each thing. 25 things should only take one hour, not two. An hour and a half at most. If it takes you two, you're not doing enough jump cuts, the bread and butter of teen/young adult programming.

Because of the shittiness of like 75% of its programming, I'm putting E! on notice. If it didn't have the decidedly low-budget Soup, which should air all of the time instead of once a week, it would be intolerable in comparison to its already insufferable companion channel The Style Channel. I can't watch visibly hot girls complain about not being hot for more than 30 minutes, but this is the entire premise of the hour-long Instant Beauty Pageant: girls buy clothes and cry about how they don't think they look hot even though EVERY OTHER PERSON AROUND THEM says they are hot over and over again and I'm screaming to myself about them overreacting. Style should just stick to showing Fashion Television with Tim Blanks, editor of Fashion Magazine. E! needs to go take a look in the mirror and reconsider their programming to make it actually funny and entertaining outside of True Hollywood Story and its celebrity video biographies.

The Lameass Channel

Now that the Women's College World Series is over for today and the French Open is already over for today, I have been struggling to find programming to watch for the day. The best option that has materialized is An Astronaut Scorned: The Lisa Nowak Story. An Astronaut Scorned is a one-hour documentary on the Lisa Nowak scandal, how she drove across the Southeastern United States to possibly kidnap/murder a romantic rival. Although the program is an hour, I'm fairly confident that I went over pretty much the primary material of this show. Time how long it takes you to read the sentence that starts An Astronaut Scorned. Multiply the time by about 10, and that's how long this program should have actually been. There's literally not an hour's worth of material to this story. The fact that they would even want to present this as a story that long is an affront to my intelligence and my connection to reality and current events. If this is what TLC is trying to pass off as respectable programming, the Discovery Channel should re-assess its goals for the channel. Yea, I'd rather someone shank me with a spoon than watch this any longer.

Something I Haven't Done For A While

I realized while I was resting on the rainy day here that I hadn't posted some random tracks, showing a clear sign of laziness. I wouldn't let that stand. So, I'm fixing that today. Additionally, I'm posting a video from a band called For Against. 80's shoegaze out of Nebraska. A criminally overlooked band that still plays today! I hope that I can catch them out in Nebraska sometime in the near future. Since I already seeing myself being out that way, it might be a cool trip to go on their turf and see the masters in the old watering hole.



Also, consider this an epilogue to the earlier post about breast cancer awareness. I was sitting at our table, kicking myself for forgetting that I needed to wear pink (I have forgotten both times) and some family friends arrive. Everything's cool, we are looking over and notice that one of the men has brought his other. She was an alright looking woman, but that is a point that is somewhat immaterial for this story as it didn't involve the front of her face. As I am facing directly at them, I notice that she is wearing a bra. While wearing a bra is not a bad thing, especially for a woman as endowed as her, it is when you are wearing a shirt that is not supposed to be worn with a bra. Men, you might not know what I'm talking about, but the women in the room do. You go out and you see that girl with her bra straps showing or the back of her bra is exposed. That's this chick. I thought I was the only person who noticed this, but Gretchen did as well and swiftly commented. Another woman also came by the table and made another observation that the rest of us didn't notice. She said it's ok if you are going to wear your bra out, but you can at least put the tag down. These are the people that will cure breast cancer.

Random Songs:

Androids of Mu - Bored Housewives
The Cure - Play For Today
The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Dang
M.F. Doom - One Beer
Janet Jackson - Escapade
The Sugarcubes - Motorcrash
Saint Etienne - Boy Scouts of America
Pink and Brown - Meter Reader
DJ Drama and Little Brother - I Need You
The Microphones - I Felt Your Shape
Shadowy Men from a Shadowy Planet - Harlem by the Sea
Some Velvet Sidewalk - Right - Wrong
Geoffrey Landers - The Ever Decimal Pulse
The Soft Boys - Black Snake Diamond Rock
Kylie Minogue - Better the Devil You Know

Boobs Don't Always Swing

Every year in the summer, my aunt in Frederick has a formal ball for her Walk for the Cure team. Because it's a nice cause, the people are involved are family (my aunt and her daughter do the walk together with a couple of other people as well), and know that I would never hear the end of it if I didn't come, I wear a tie for one of two or three times all year and attend.

I have gone to this event twice, and it really has yet to let me down. Last year, the ball was full. There was a local blues band playing along with a DJ who had no clue of what it meant to make the dance floor move. But, luckily, the DJ's inability to make people dance did not stop some of the people at the party from busting a groove. When I say busting a groove, I mean busting a groove. Nothing can make a group of people get really, really raw on the dance floor than drinking a shit ton of booze. Honestly, booze is the only way to explain why a guy would get on the dance floor and do the worm not once or thrice. But four times! four! And it wasn't during the DJ; it was actually during the blues band. Yea, my jaw dropped to the floor, too. It left me laughing the whole night and thoroughly enjoying the experience of the night even though no one could do the electric slide all that well and the buffet sucked.

While the year has changed, the event hasn't really changed. The blues band was rebooked but cancelled before the event so it was just the DJ by himself. This was a tragedy within itself, but it wasn't as much of a tragedy as the buffet was this year. Chicken, potatoes, green beans, pre-made salads, and rolls. That was the meal because I don't consider the piece of leather that they gave me and called roast beef to be a part of the meal (If I ask for medium, I don't expect a piece of meat to be brown all the way through). But, like last year, there was more than enough liquor flowing through the room, especially since the liquor was dirt cheap and being shelled out with the efficiency.

While there weren't as many people as the year before, there don't need to be a lot of people for someone to make an ass of themselves on the dance floor. This year that title when to this guy and his "friend with benefits" (read: fuck buddy, booty call). The FWB, apparently, never danced in a formal dress and hiked it up far too high. So high, in fact, the DJ, and almost the entire room, found out what kind of underwear she was wearing when she got low. Oh, also, she had ridiculously fake breasts. They didn't move. And, yes, I did stare and I'm not ashamed. If you were there, you would have stared too. They were unreal *rimshot*.

Even though we were mesmerized by her boobs, we, and I do mean we, stopped looking at her to gape at her buddy who was clearly on another level. Adopted family member Gretchen (she comes to enough of our family events to be a member of our family)noted that he dances like he has prosthetic legs; his knees don't bend. Her assessment is right, but that's an insult to people with artificial legs because I'm convinced that they can dance better than this guy. He couldn't do the cha cha slide. The cha cha slide tells you how to do the cha cha slide. I can't understand how someone could be off of it. But, at multiple points over the four hours of music, him and another guy threw rhythm out the window and went all out. It was amazing to watch, but, wow, it was definitely some of the worst dancing that I've ever seen in my life. I can only hope that when I attend this event next year b/c I probably will have to again that it is so drunken and rhythmless.

This event was legitimated from being a misplaced house party (there were like 30 people at an event meant for about 100-150) after we found out that one of the women catering the event was actually suffering from breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and was still being treated. She thanked us immensely for what we were doing. That did make it worthwhile. But, it also probably would have been worthwhile if I had donated some actual money to the cause. But I can't donate the money that I don't make due to my unemployment, so cut me a little slack. I'm not so heartless as to not donate to a cause that would affect many people in my life such as Breast Cancer if I can.